Girlfriend: Did I ever tell you about the time I was on this train really late at night and this old guy sitting across from me was looking at these comics that had, like, really graphic drawings of vaginas?
Boyfriend: With like… vines crawling out of them?
Girlfriend: [Pause.] Ummm… No.
–Downtown 6 Train
Young lady suit: Hey, I just fund twenty bucks in my purse! Don’t you love when that happens?
Older lady suit: Yeah, I found a Valium in my underwear drawer last week. It made my day.
Young lady suit: That’s cool too…
–A Train
Female conductor: Do we have a line-up, partner?
Male conductor: Yabba dabba dooooooo!
–Manhattan Bound E Train
Overheard by: I Am McLoVey
Chubby Asian #1: I’m making a headcheese.
Chubby Asian #2: What’s that?
Chubby Asian #1: Like a meat, with parts of other meats.
Chubby Asian #2: …So it’s not a cheese?
Chubby Asian #1: No.
Chubby Asian #2: Wow, gross.
–L Train
Little girl: Mommy, it’s snowing in my eyes!
–Park Slope
Overheard by: blistexaddict
Elderly Hispanic woman wading through snow: Skoosh! Shoosh! Skoosh! Wee! Skoosh!
–28th & Park
Overheard by: Adam Nathan
Bus conductor in droning, somber voice: Ladies and gentlemen, due to inclement weather, the express trains are temporarily discontinued. [Suddenly sounding bright and chipper.] In other words, it’s cold outside, folks! So if you think you can just wait for the local, you wrong! So all y’all just get out the way o’ my doors and let’s go!
–4 Train
Drunk blonde: Omigod, is it like raining? There’s like water falling from the sky outside.
–LIRR
Girl on cell, on first nice day of spring: This weather just makes me want to drink…I have been sitting outside for ten minutes and all of a sudden I can’t get booze off my mind.
–72nd & Columbus
Pilot: Welcome on board flight number [mumble]… We have a 45 minute flight to Ithaca, New York, where the weather is [dramatic pause] fucking awful! Why you guys going there?
–LaGuardia Airport
Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.
–Staten Island Mall
Overheard by: Robert
Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.
–Amsterdam Projects
Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."
–Astor Place & Broadway
Overheard by: Jynx
Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?
–1 Train
Overheard by: Krisztina
Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.
–W Hotel, 49th & Lex
Overheard by: Miami Hitman
Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!
–M16 Bus
Overheard by: nora!
Girl: I found a giant pill on the floor.
Friend: Oh nice! Giant pill!
Girl: Giant pill!
Friend: What kind is it?
Girl: I dunno, it doesn’t have anything written on it.
Friend: Nice! Those are the best kind! I call them surprise me pills, take it and see what happens!
–D Train
Conductor #1: Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. This is the Manhattan-bound, Sixth Avenue local F train. The next stop is…
Conductor #2: There is no next stop. Let’s go.
Conductor #1: Stand clear of the closing doors.
–F Train
Loud black girl #1: If you got the same father but different mothers you half siblings. If you got the same mother but different fathers you whole siblings!
Loud black girl #2: No it ain’t! You’re wrong.
Loud black girl #1, to older black man standing in front of them: Excuse me, sir. You look older and wiser than us. Which one of us is right?
Older black man: If you got the same mamma y’all sistas.
Loud black girl #2: That’s not right.
Loud black girl #1: You just wait till we get out this train and have service and we will both text message Google and see who’s right. Same mamma makes you whole siblings!
Loud black girl #2: Fine, but you wrong.
Loud black girl #1: Yes you are, cause you all come out the same pussy! It’s the pussy that matters!
–6 Train
Overheard by: Alie
Drunk nerd #1, extremely loud: Accountancy! Woo!
Drunk nerd #2: Yeahhhh!
Drunk nerd #1: Revenues and expenditures!
Drunk nerd #2: Awright!
Drunk nerd #1: Balance sheets and shit!
Drunk nerd #2: Huh?
–L Train
