Conductor: Use all available doors, please. Don’t be afraid of open doors.
–6 Train
Overheard by: Jon A.
Man looking at the BDSM exhibit: That’s not scary. I have one of those!
–Museum of Sex
Overheard by: Rachel K
Big black man to his big black friends: Yo, and I was totally afraid he’d crush my vagina.
–Starbucks, 9th & 57th
Overheard by: newsyspice
Homeless guy: I don’t know why all you people are looking at me scared! This is my game face! Halloween is over!
–G Train
Overheard by: drum
Teen dude: You just can’t be tall and survive on a mountain!
–Halloween Adventure, 11th St & 4th Ave
Overheard by: da sarkastik ninja.
Teenage boy: Girls are so lucky… They can feel themselves up whenever they want.
–LIRR
High school girl: I said to her: "What they call you?" … And she said, "TND". And I said, "’TND’?, What’s ‘TND’"? And she said "Top Notch Diva". [Howls with laughter.] She said "Top notch". Nobody say "Top notch"… That was like, last summer… Top notch… [laughs and snickers] and then she say: "What they call you?" and I said "BB"… "Betta bills". [Howls with laughter.]
–#1 Train
Teen boy, with a sigh: Sometimes the world just isn’t as shiny as you want it to be.
–42nd St
Teenager to Mexican friend: Don’t make me call immigration on you.
–Q train, to 57th st
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen: I like the beginning part of the Dido song "Thank you", you know, the depressing part, because I can relate to it. Well, aside from the parts about missing the bus because I have a car and paying bills because my parents do that for me.
–Union Square
Overheard by: UCB
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: [sign language].
Black lady #1: [sign language].
Black lady #2: Motherfucker!
–A Train
Guido: If Mike Rowe died and you were there… Like if he died from natural causes and just went to sleep and died… Would you have sex with him?
Bitch: Hmm, I mean, I don’t know, I’d have to like take a peek.
Guido: You mean you’d look at it?
Bitch: Yeah, maybe touch it.
Guido: But would you have sex with him?
Bitch: Roberto! It wouldn’t be hard!
Guido: But what if he got hard and then died… Would you have sex with him?
Bitch: Maybe, but like why do I need to do that when I can just… You know… Ohh nevermind.
Guido: Oohh because you’ll be doing all the work anyway? You could just buy a blow up doll.
Bitch: Exactly, so why do I need to hump Mike Rowe’s dead body?
–6 Train
Overheard by: wet willy
Adolescent son to father: I’m worried about the essay section.
Father: Just BS it and you’ll be fine. If you’re like me you should be pretty good at BS-ing. Just write something like: “The current political situation in blah blah really makes me contemplate the mysteries of life.”
–1 Train
Overheard by: bildita
Dumb teen girl #1: So how did they “almost have sex”?
Dumb teen girl #2: Haha, she said “His dick was like -in my vagina… Except we had clothes on”.
Dumb teen girl #1: That’s called dry humping. We did that in like – seventh grade!
Dumb teen girl #2: I know.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Lasar
Young hipster professional: …I mean, you’ve seen the signs, right? “If you see something, say something”? …So I ran to the conductor’s car at the next stop and said, “Hey, there’s a really suspicious guy in the second car, he’s acting strange”.
Girlfriend: Oh my god! What did he say?
Young hipster professional: He said, “Stand clear of the closing doors.”
–6 Train
Obnoxious Latino #1: Man, that guy was such a faggot! With that mohawk and those gay-ass glasses.
Obnoxious Latino #2: Hey, I’m wearing the same glasses.
[Silence.]
–1 Train
Conductor: [Steps out of the booth.] People, let me tell you about the day I’ve been having. Hold on. [Makes an announcement and steps back out.] First of all, we get a report that there are two men making love in the last train and have to go in there to break it up. Then we get two homeless women in here with all their bags and this lady all throwing a fit because they smell. The homeless woman says to her: “You better be getting out of my face!” and the yelling lady tries to grab her bags, she pulls out pepper spray and gets her right in the face! Hold on [Jumps back into booth.] and this lady right, she has her arms out in front of her face like this [crosses arms] like she got the power of Christ to protect her. We had the cops waiting at the next station and everything.
–A Train
Schoolboy to girl: You know you like him.
Schoolgirl to boy: No I don’t! He’s disgusting! I wouldn’t let him even touch me or come near me… Well, unless we were dancing.
–6 Train
Overheard by: CSneed
