We Also Carry Real New York Beatings

Woman #1: You ever just have one of those days?
Woman #2: Yeah.
Woman #1: I’m having a whole week. I swear to god. And I just walked here from…Oh, forget it.
Woman #2: Oh.
Woman #1: And now I can’t even find my makeup! I swear to god, if they don’t have it, I’m gonna fucking…I don’t know!…I’ll fucking kill a tourist!
Woman #2: Oh, I hope it’s not me!…Ha, ha, ha!

5 minutes later.

Woman #2: That’s her! That’s her! That’s the New Yorker who cursed at me and threatened me!
Woman #3: It’s like seeing one in their natural habitat! I can’t wait to tell everyone a real New Yorker threatened you!
Woman #2: I know! It’s awesome!

–Sephora, Broadway between 43rd & 44th

Overheard by: Non-Bitchy New Yorker

Posted on January 26, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Anger Management, Assholes, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Only in New York, Store, Threats, Tourists, Violence, Women

Parts Of Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Quite Nice

Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Erin and Willa

Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"

–Rivington & Essex

Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.

–2 Train

Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!

–5th Ave & 86th

Overheard by: GerMan in NY

Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!

–New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station

Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.

–1st & St. Mark's

Posted on January 24, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Couples, Directions, Food, Girls, Hipsters, Kids, Lower East Side, NYC Geography, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Penn Station, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Questions, Street, Train Station, Travel, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

Wait, Let Me Make Sure the Flash Is On

Female tourist to friend: Oh my god, do we really get to take the subway? Gosh, you have to take a picture of me with the subway! C'mon, take the picture!
Man, overhearing: Oh my god, let's push you down the stairs and see how much you like the subway.

–Rockafeller Center Subway

Overheard by: Kirby

Headline by: Ryan

Runners-Up:
· “A *Real* New Yorker Would’ve Just Pushed Her” – Thaniel
· “Give a Tourist a Pin and She’ll Remember NY for a Week, Push Her Down the Stairs, and She’ll Remember It for the Rest Of Her Life” – Prole
· “How Tourist-Tossing Got Started” – Barry
· “It Would Save Her That Stop at Planned Parenthood” – niqua
· “Throw in a Rape and Mugging and You’ll Get the Full Subway Experience” – Forensic Photographer
· “Why Is It Called “Tourist Season” If We CanÂ´t Kill Them?” – Fresca P.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on January 13, 2015
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Friends, Headline Contest Winners, Only in New York, Pictures, Public Transportation, Questions, Rockefeller Center, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Threats, Tourists, Violence

‘Hey, Dad,’ I Said

Girl #1: You know how I knew I was back home? I saw a Duane Reade.
Girl #2: Yeah, they don’t have those out there.
Girl #1: No, actually, you know how I knew I was home? I saw a crackhead on my block jerking off as he was walking. Then, I was like, ‘Yeah, I’m home.’

–6 train near 23rd St

Overheard by: Kathy

Posted on January 7, 2015
Druggies, Drugs, Duane Reade, Hard Drugs, Masturbation, On the Subway, Only in New York

She’s Been Listening to the New Stern Show

Old lady: Please stop!
Conductor: I didn’t see you.

The train pulls away.

Old lady: Fuckhead.

–23rd Street F station

Posted on January 3, 2015
Anger Management, Conductors, Etiquette, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Only in New York, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Terrorism, Travel, Women

Where It’s Part of the Public School Curriculum

20-something chick #1: … So was she, like, dating that married guy?
20-something chick #2: No! Man, you can’t date a married guy, he’s married! You can only fuck a married guy.
Lady with kids: Do you mind?!
20-something chick #2: If you don’t want your kids to hear about fucking married men, then don’t raise them in New York!

–34th & Madison

Overheard by: I hate kids too…

Posted on December 31, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Biotechs, Infidelity, Moms, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Only in New York

There Was an Incident With the Natives

Receptionist: Hi, I'm calling from Bridgehampton, New York and would like to invite to a gallery event we are having in Southampton this weekend.
New York woman: Oh… is that in the Hamptons?
Receptionist: Why, yes, it is.
New York woman: Well… we don't go to that shithole anymore! (hangs up)
Receptionist: Thank you for you time.

–Publication Office

Posted on December 20, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Clerks, Insults, Offers and requests, Office, Only in New York, Questions

The TWU Strikes Again

Man #1: Open the door!
Bus driver: Go to the back door!
Man #1: …Open up!
Man #2: Let this guy on!
Man #3: Open the door!
Bus driver: Back door’s broken! Ha, ha, ha!

She hits the gas pedal.

–Q train shuttle bus

Posted on December 19, 2014
Anger Management, On the Bus, Only in New York

Apparently It's the Bitching Hour.

Girl on bench to woman walking past: Pardon me, do you have the time?
Woman, without stopping: No, I don't have the time for you, because you don't have a watch.

–19th St & Irving

Overheard by: Mikaela

Posted on December 15, 2014
Comebacks, Gadgets, Girls, Only in New York, Union Square and East Village, Women

Fair Enough! Enjoy Your Day, Sir!

Woman walking against massive subway crowd: Woah, this is fun. Hey, everybody!
Man, after passing her: Fuck you, lady.

–Lorimer Stop

Overheard by: richhorner.com

Posted on December 7, 2014
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Insults, Nice People, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Strangers, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Only in New York