Wednesday One-Liners Phone Home

20-something woman: Why do I have a phone number for "Shrek" in my phone?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Poogins

Older, bald man on phone: Mom! I told you, you don't have to call me everyday. Just call me once a month…to see if I'm alive!

–Times Square

40-something suit on cell: You know what would be fine, mom? If you just stopped calling. That'd be fine! Just fine! Of course I want to hear from you, but just stop calling. It's over. Over. Don't call no more.

–Park Slope, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Oedipus

Crazy lady on cell (at the top of her lungs): Yo, douchebag! Where are my fucking children? I want to see my children. You owe my $10,000 in child support. And you know what? They're not even your kids! Ha! Oh, and my phone's dead.

–AirTrain

White girl on phone: Well, on the phone he doesn't even sound black. So just introduce him to your parents over the phone…

–28th & Broadway

Overheard by: Vanessa

Lunching lady: She's 718, acts like she's 212…but really, she's so 516!

–4 Train

Overheard by: JC

Posted on September 10, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Death, Girls, Insults, Kids, Men, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Parents, Park Slope, Questions, Race, Relationships, Suits, Times Square, Trains Not Subway, White People, Women

Remember When You Tried to Stack Those Turtles?

(a guy is selling brightly colored books titled How to Roll a Blunt for Dummies)
Five-year-old kid: Mommy, whats that book about???
Mother (flustered and pushing him away): Umm…umm…uhhh… Honey, not all books are educational!

–Penn Station

Posted on September 9, 2008
Books & Writing, Default, Education, Kids, Moms, Parents, Penn Station, Questions

And I Do It Out Of Love

Baby thug: Why do you yell at me so loud when you're angry?
Mama thug: I never yell at you when I'm angry.
Baby thug: But, mama, you always yell at me so loud when you're angry.
Mama thug: Yeah, I do. It's because I'm so angry.

–Sunset park, Brooklyn

Posted on September 6, 2008
Anger Management, Brooklyn, Default, Kids, Moms, Parents, Parks, Questions, Thugs

Who's My Little Two-Legged Birth Control?

(toddler in stroller gleefully tosses mangoes from display on floor)
Older brother: No! Stop it! (picks up mangoes as toddler keeps pushing them off display) Stop! We're not buying those!
(mom looks the other way)
Cashier: Ma'am, your child is dropping the mangoes.
Mom: I know.
Cashier: But..
Mom: I know, my son's rude.
Cashier: But the other customers…
Mom: He does this all the time, you should come to my house and
see what he does.

–Gourmet Garage, 96th & Park Ave

Overheard by: Mark

Posted on September 2, 2008
Brothers, Cashiers, Customers, Default, Fruit, Grocery Stores, Kids, Moms, Parents, Should've Used a Condom, Stupidity, Upper East Side, Weirdness

I Know I'll Never Need Anything Else As Long As I Live

Little girl: Please?
Father: I'm not paying attention to you.
Little girl: Pleeeeeeease? Do you want me to cry? I'll cry. Do you want me to cry, daddy? (holds up stuffed owl) Just get this for me and I'll be happy, please?

–Gift Shop, Museum of Natural History

Posted on August 29, 2008
Crying, Dads, Default, Girls, Kids, Museum of Natural History, Offers and requests, Parents, Questions, Store, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

But I Desperately Need a New Facebook Photo!

Mom: Give me my phone.
Son: Photo?
Mom: No, you cannot take a picture.
Son (sticking phone in the butt of his pants): Please.
Mom: No, it's too loud. At home…

–NJ Transit

Posted on August 25, 2008
Boys, Cell Phone, Default, Ew, Jersey, Kids, Moms, Offers and requests, Parents, Trains Not Subway

Jesus, Quinn, There Are Always Other Options!

Rich girl #1: What are you going to do when your parents cut you off?
Rich girl #2: Move to Brooklyn.

–West Village

Posted on August 22, 2008
Default, Girls, Money & Class, NYC Geography, Parents, Questions, Rich people, West Village

When I Spit on the Homeless, I'm Just Saying, “Thanks, Mom and Dad!”

20-something guy: You know, it's like people hate me for having money. But it's like, my parents worked *really* hard for that money, and they worked for it for *me*. So I deserve it.
20-something girl: Yeaaah. I know.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Ladle & Jen

Posted on August 21, 2008
Default, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, On the Subway, Parents, Stupidity

Yo Quiero Wednesday One-Liners

Woman to male teacher: I thought you were a middle aged Latino woman.

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Alex and Colin

Chubby Latino: I don't want to go there. It'll just be a bunch of angry Dominicans throwing tables.

–Cooper Park, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Confabulation Nation

Drunken lady, sitting uninvited at a Hispanic family table: Cinco cuatro cinco… en Chicago. I have a business at 545 Chicago. In Chicago. I am a successful woman. Stay in school, sweetie. Learn your math and arithmetic… Yes, your math, and your arithmetic. And be good to your mommy. You only have one mommy, so be good to her. Alright, ciao, guys. Adios, coco! What? A cab? No, no, I'm fine.

–Pio Pio Restaurant, 91st & 1st

Overheard by: HJWC

Hasidic Jew answering cell: Hola? Hola? Hola!

–30 Rock

Overheard by: Micky

Bespectacled man on cell, walking a dog: And I owe it all to the politically incorrect Frito Bandito.

–Bryant Park

Posted on August 20, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bryant Park, Business and Commerce, Drunks, Education, Fat People, Fears, Fordham, Gender issues, Jews, Languages, Latinos, Men, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Pop Culture, Restaurants & Cafes, Rockefeller Center, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Because a Simple “Fuck Off” Just Isn't Very Classy

(very pretty girl waiting for the cross light to change)
Crazy old man: Yum, you sure are pretty.
(no response)
Crazy old man (excited now): Yummy! I like them pretty ones.
(pretty girl hisses at him and walks away)
Tourist dad to little girl: See, darling? That's how you handle those situations.

–Broadway & Houston

Posted on August 12, 2008
Beauty, Compliments, Crazies, Crazy, Creepsters, Dads, Default, Kids, Old People, Parents, Pedophilia, The Village, Tourists

Parents