Wednesday One-Loiners

Drunk jock: She left cuz she said she was hungry. Well, I'll put that fuckin' falafel on my dick!

–LaGuardia & W 4th

Overheard by: Not drunk

College guy to no one in particular: She was trying to suck my dick! …so I slapped her with it!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Kate V.

Woman to man: See, I don't have a dick, I have a pussy, but I told him to suck my dick.

–South Park Slope

Drunk guy outside subway entrance: Racism can go suck a dick! I don't care who you are, if you're racist, I. Will. Fight. You.

–Central Park Entrance

Overheard by: HAIR-y

Woman to another: I never had to dress up my vagina to get a dick. An old man would have had me pinned against a wall in a second.

–Century 21 Store

Girl on cell: Yeah, well, you know what his defense was? (pause) Yeah, he tried to tell the judge he couldn't have done it because his dick was too huge. (pause) I know! And it gets better! He wanted to make a plaster of Paris mold of his dick to prove it was too big! (pause) Oh, I'm serious. (pause) Yeah, no…I don't know what he was going to do with the mold of his dick. Maybe he was gonna submit it as Exhibit A or something, and shove it up in her to prove his point.

–Penn Station

Posted on July 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, BJs, Central Park, Crime and Punishment, Drunks, Ethnic Food, Frat Boys, Girls, Guys, Height, Insults, Jocks, Men, On Cell, Park Slope, Penis, Penn Station, Port Authority, Race, Sex, Store, The Village, Vagina, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I've Fucked Dozens Of People I Disapprove Of Completely

Bisexual guy: They say a boner is the body's natural thumbs up.
Transexual guy: Wait a minute.

–Harlem

Posted on July 7, 2015
Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Erections, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Penis, Trannies

Many People Are Simply Incapable Of Political Discussion

Hipster guy, finishing a story: And so I said “suck on that, commie!”
Hipster girl: Wait, what?
Hipster guy: By “commie”, I mean “communist.” And by “suck on that,” I mean my cock.
Hipster girl, disappointed: Oh.
Gay hipster guy: I get it! But, I mean, what about the chafing?

–Q Train

Overheard by: Alexx

Posted on July 6, 2015
Guys, Health and Hygiene, Hipsters, Insults, On the Subway, Penis, Politics, Queer guys, Questions

But, to Be Fair, We Also Said That About the Cast Of The Real World

Little girl #1, looking at Neanderthal diorama: I just saw her pupils move!
Little girl #2: I just saw her hair move!
Little girl #3: I just saw her blink!
Little girl #1: I just saw his penis move!
Little girl #2: I just saw her boob move!
Little girl #1: I think those are real people!
Little girl #2: Me, too!
Little girl #3: Me, three!

–Museum Of Natural History

Overheard by: Jennifer

Posted on July 5, 2015
Body Parts, Hair, Kids, Museum of Natural History, Penis, Rack, Sensory Experiences, Weirdness

Finally, a Phrase Everyone Can Use!

Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I’m about to get my dick wet.
Flamboyant queer: That’s something straight people say.
Queer: Can I bum a cigarette? I’m about to get my dick stinky.

–Soho

Overheard by: Daniel Scott

Posted on June 30, 2015
Backdoor, Gays and Lesbians, Penis, Queer guys, Questions, Scents of the City, Smoking, Soho, Words

A Steady Stream of Wednesday One-Liners

Guy: Yeah, that was the night I pissed all over his walls.

–Fanelli’s, Prince & Mercer

Overheard by: hjane

Dude: I think she’s pretty cool, even though she tried to pee on me that one time.

–Rumours, 55th & 8th

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Girl on cell: …Well, I was, until he peed his pants. It was all downhill from there.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: kelsey

Guy on cell: She got pissed on… So do I. I guess if she can survive another two months… How much damage do you think he can do?

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Al E Ro

Guy entering bank: Fuck that dragworm! It’s my bank! I’m gonna give him a tip because he stepped in front of me to hold the door? Fuck that! It’s like if I was gonna piss and he knocked my hand aside to grab my dick.

–Washington Mutual

Posted on June 26, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Pee, Penis, Questions, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Love the Skin They're In

Skinny pale male hippie with hair in top knot, to friend, calmly: I'm going to lose my brain. A piece of my brain.

–E.11th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Man on cell: Yeah, he crossed the line. Then, when he started talking about my wife's anatomy I was just disgusted.

–31st Parking Garage

Thug, about his baby son: So, I'm lookin' at this kid. I be lookin' at him real hard. He got everything I got! Square head, the shoulders, the flat feet, everything! Straight down to the penis!

–Staten Island Ferry

Out of towner to friend: I just want to let you know your armpit is making my wrist very warm right now.

–3 Train

Overheard by: there are worse places you could put that, I guess…

Man to friends: He empties his mind into your face.

–5th Ave & 11th St

Posted on June 25, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Family Ties, Foreigners, Friends, Hippies, Kids, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Penis, Staten Island Ferry, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

His Nuts Look Like Violet Beauregarde

Flea: I eat four boxes of blueberries a day; it makes my cock big.

–Randall’s Island

Overheard by: AJIN

Posted on June 25, 2015
B-List, Body Parts, Celebrities, Food, Guys, Parks, Penis, Stoners, Vegetarian & Vegan

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Can Cook

Drunk college girl: I don’t mean to have sex with ugly guys but more often than not…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Lo

Thuggish dude on cell: … You want to look in the mirror and be like ewww, while everyone else looks at you and is like, ooh, you know what I’m saying? When I wake up in the morning and I look in the mirror I think to myself shit, I am one ugly motherfucker, how the hell do I get so many bitches?

–7 Train

Overheard by: Andrea

Dumpy man waiting on line: I didn’t know court was a beauty contest for ugly women.

–Downtown NYC Courthouse

Man fighting with random woman on train: You’re as ugly as the tip of my dick!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Marlon B

Teenage girl to group of friends: Oh! Did I tell you *Jessica had her baby? Yeah, that shit ain’t ugly.

–Cobble Hill

Loud girl: Omigod I’m soooo pissed! Like, she’s so ugly. Much uglier than me. And you know on Halloween, if I hadn’t been bleeding from my vagina and puking in a bowl he would have hooked up with me instead.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: I was puking in a bowl when I heard this too

Posted on June 24, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Beauty, Blood & bleeding, Brooklyn, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Drunks, Fat People, Fordham, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Holidays, Insults, Lower Manhattan, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Penis, Physical appearance, Questions, Sex, Sorority Girls, Teens, Thugs, Vagina, Vomit, Weirdness

She Had to Fake It Until His Bar Mitzvah

30’s artist-type woman #1: Ok, so he was a decade younger. But I have an excuse!
30’s artist-type woman #2: His penis excused his age?
30’s artist-type woman #1: Well, I think it grew a half inch per year since the day he was born.

–9th & Bedford, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Lauren

Posted on June 23, 2015
Age/Aging, Artists, Bimbettes, Brooklyn, Penis, Women

Penis