(teenage girl goes to stand next to her friend in line for the bathroom)
Crazy hobo: Bitch, get to the back of the line! I gotta take a shit!
Teenage girl: Oh, I'm not in line, I'm just talking to my friend.
Crazy hobo: If you don't get outta line, I will take a shit on your chest. Do you want me to take a shit on your chest? Cause I will! (to teenage girl's friend) Oooh girl, you pretty. Why you hang out with cunts like these?
–Starbucks, 6th & Christopher
Young fashionable hipster girl #1: There's this piece of art, called Piss Christ.
Young fashionable hipster girl #2, interrupting: Oh! Is that the poop one?!
–Houston & 1st Ave
(construction man #1 is peeing at the urinal. Construction man #2 is inside a stall)
Construction man #2: This is the place where all the dicks hang out, eh? Haha.
Construction man #1: Do these things flush by themselves, then?
Construction man #2: Yeah, man, you're taking a shit and you don't even get to see the turd sitting there.
Construction man #1: Whoosh!
Construction man #2: It just gets sucked away. You don't get to see the tapeworms, or whatever freaky crap is in there this time.
–Basement, NYU Tisch Film School
Overheard by: Knoll
Young boy to mother: You poop too much. You poop all the time.
Mother: But everyone poops all the time. It's good to poop. People who don't poop are in trouble because they are constipated.
–Food Coop, Park Slope
Overheard by: Sometimes I'm in trouble too
Large man on payphone: I'm gonna kill her, man! I'm gonna fuckin' kill her! Then I'm gonna kill my cousin! I'm gonna go back to my house, kill that bitch, get my fuckin kittens, and kill my cousin! I want my kittens, man!
–SoHo
Overheard by: trying not to laugh
Father to kids: Which would you prefer, kitty casserole or puppy stew?
–72nd & Broadway
Suit: So one time I went into the bathroom and the cat was just like sitting on the toilet so I just unloaded on it. I told my roommate, like, "don't touch the cat" and then later I saw his girlfriend playing with it and hugging and kissing it. It was very funny.
–Downtown 6 Train
Upset-looking college student on cell: Ugh! My cat almost just died…and you're making this about your feelings?!
–Columbia Quad
Student: That's okay, I'll just eat my mom and fuck my cat.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Toddlington
Student: Well, the situation in the essay is hopeless, you know? It's like finding a kitten in the subway and you want to take it with you because kittens just don't belong in the subway. But then you remember that you live in a building that doesn't allow pets and your roommate is allergic. So, your roommate is going to hate you and your landlord is going to evict you. I realize this is a bad example. I just really want a kitten.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Colleen
Korean girl to white guy: Why do you find it necessary to squint your eyes when you do an Asian impression?
–L Train
Overheard by: john.ainley
White girl to friends: And then a ninjician pulled a chopstick out of her ear!
–Veniero's Pastry Shop
Overheard by: Amy
Asian chick: Asians are obsessed with analyzing poop.
–Max Restaurant, Tribeca
Overheard by: Shringle
Woman begging for change: Can I get some quarters? (pause) My cousin-in-law is Chinese. Come on!
–52nd & Lexington
Overheard by: NMT
Asian woman, after sneezing: Just cuz I'm a sneezin' Asian don't mean I got SARS.
–Port Authority Bus Terminal
Overheard by: CNaughty
White girl on cell: Okay, I'm going to sound crazy, but there's this Asian guy in one of my classes…and he looks just like Ashley…and I just want to run up and say "Can I take a picture of you? Because you look just like my black girlfriend!"
–Dorm Building, Cooper Union
20-something girlfriend: Ooh, I just got a sharp pain in my stomach.
20-something boyfriend (angrily): Why'd you hold your doody in!
–56th & 6th
Overheard by: Twiggy
Short haired woman: You didn't see in the car?
Little girl: No, no! Tell me, tell me!
Short haired woman: Ask your mother.
Mother: It was like an elephant exploded diarrhea all over the seat.
Little girl: I wanna see! I wanna see!
–A Train
Teen boy: May I be excused from the table? I have to take a shit.
Older teen sister: Ewwwww, you're disgusting!
Dad: Be thankful. At least we've got him eating with utensils.
–Buddha Bar
Overheard by: Big Larry
Homeless dude #1: I need something to read when I go to the bathroom.
Homeless dude #2: I got “Can you afford to retire?”
–Broadway & W 4th
Overheard by: Danielle
