50-something woman: Do you have baked goods?
Girl with empty wicker basket: Excuse me?
50-something woman: Baked goods. Where are you going with them?
Girl with empty wicker basket (slowly looking into basket and then back at woman): To grandmother's house.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Little Red Riding Ho
Professor: Why do people take drugs? Because their lives suck. That's right…all of you.
–Manhattan College
Chemistry professor, discussing quantum physics: If you beat on something hard enough, you can get it to do what you want!
–St. John's University, New York City
Property professor, after playing Barbra Streisand's version of "Not While I'm Around": Now, is that the same song as Steven Sondheim's version in Sweeney Todd?? (dreamily) Well, when Barbra Streisand does a song…is it ever the same song?
–St. John's Law School
Overheard by: Cori
Professor: If Obama wins the election, I'll buy you all beer.
–The Cooper Union
Professor: So the way Saint Augustine broke the Lord's commandment not to steal (nobody in class is listening) Was all just his way of honoring the Lord's law, by creating his own. It's sort of like when you have a child that's not allowed to stay up past nine but he knows his parents can stay up as late as they want, so in an act of rebellion he smears his shit all over the walls.
–NYU
Professor: Now, for your presentations, there is a time limit. If you go over nine minutes, I will cut you. (silent pause) …off.
–City College of New York
Overweight middle aged Southern tourist pointing to approaching train: Where is this train going?
Semi-annoyed girl: Queens.
Tourist: Yeah, but where is that?
Quite-a-bit-annoyed girl: Queens.
Tourist: Yeah, but where is that?
Deflated girl: It's… Never mind.
–1 Train
Overheard by: Melanie C.
Guy: You don't understand–it doesn't have to be well-written, there doesn't need to be a good plot… It's *porn*!
Woman: No, you're missing my point. If the plot, writing, and characters don't matter, why have them at all? Why not just the sex?
Guy: Oh… That's a really good question, actually.
Woman: But all the inefficient parts are still there, so there's obviously a market value for them.
Guy: Only that they keep me from feeling like a total perv.
–Broad St & Beaver
Ghetto girl #1: I went over there, and she's pregnant.
Ghetto girl #2, gasping: Pregnant with a *baby*?
–Q30 Bus
Overheard by: Cori
Headline by: missquirk
Runners-Up:
· “‘Cuz If It’s an Alien Again, I’m Skipping the Shower” – 1310 (formerly SNA)
· “Depends on Whether You Ask Pro-Lifers or Pro-Choicers” – Ryan
· “I Better Go Back and Check” – Mike
· “Judging by the Bleeding Statues and Pentagrams, No” – The Least Funny Demon
· “Never Take a Roofie at the Zoo” – Nick Pollotta
· “No, Just Shoplifting Again” – Skug Skellum
· “No………She Just Likes to Pause a Lot” – clair
· “Rosemary’s Friends Saw It Coming” – asdfghjkl;
· “She Was Drunk. The Dog *Looked* Like a Dude” – Jim
· “Someone’s Seen Alien a Few Too Many Times…” – Kei
· “Well It’s Either That or the Spawn Of Satan…” – J
Standing dude: Yo, why are you staring at me?
Seated girl: Oh. Never mind. From the side, you looked like this dude I went to boarding school with. But you're not. I think he's on mushrooms.
Standing dude: I was on shrooms yesterday…
Seated girl: Scott?
Standing dude: Julia?
Seated girl: Shit!
–L Train
Girl on phone: Oh my god, mom! Aren't you so excited about these new reforms? I am so excited about these new reforms! Almost as excited as I am about my new water bottle!
–Barnard College Campus
Black guy to two other guys: And then he disrespected me… So I threw a bottle of Snapple at his head.
–Central Park
Guy selling water in the street: Ice cold water! Ice cold water! One dollar. Only a dollar. It's only a dollar, assholes!
–Harlem
Guy speaking to someone else: Juice! It's moose, with a j, holla!
–Highline Ballroom
Overheard by: Pasha
Black hobo to rush-hour crowd: So, did ya' hear now Obama's president they gonna tear down the Statue of Liberty? Yeah, they gonna put up a new statue–one o' Aunt Jemima!"
–Shuttle Train GCT
Overheard by: Mrs. Butterworth
Hobo: Hey, kids! I wish I was a kid again. Then I'd have a hundred million dollars!
–Henry St, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: Jesse
Hobo to clerk: Don't worry, baby, I'll take care of the Gaza Strip.
–Deli, 45th & 3rd
Overheard by: LP
Hobo to girl with boxing gloves attached to her backpack: Hi, there! Give a little money to help the homeless? (silence) I'll take anything but a punch in the face!
–Astor & Lafayette
Overheard by: Andi C.
Shouting hobo: The family that scratches their butts together has smelly fingers!
–34th St & 3rd Ave
Overheard by: Kramer
Hobo crossing street and pushing shopping cart: Hi ho Silver!
–23rd St & Park Ave
Wardrobe consultant chick: Hey Jorge*, el foodo is here! Wait a minute, what’s the word again?
–Men’s Wearhouse, 34th & 5th
Overheard by: erak
Tourist woman on cell: That’s not even the right thing to say to somebody in a fight. A "punk" is from the 50s. It’s like a tough guy or a street guy.
–56th & 5th
Woman on cell: You know what pull my finger means? Well you better start pulling your finger. Pull it 24/7.
–12th & 1st
Guy: Korean words don’t end in vowels, you fuckhead. Except for "Korea"… and "Hyundai".
–Chelsea Market
Yuppie dad lecturing two school-age sons: Last week, this girl in my class said that something just sucked and I told her, "You know, when you’re in English class, vocabulary is cool, and it’s better to say that something is disappointing instead of saying that it sucks."
–Tip-Top Shoes, W 72nd St
Overheard by: Susan Volchok
Man on cell: Do you know what trifling means?? No! It does NOT mean truffle-making!
–17th & 6th
Overheard by: Thirsty Violet
Guy, passing "La Bagel Delight": That means "The Bagel Delight" in
French!
–7th Ave, Park Slope
Old man #1: It was uplifting.
Old man #2: Dead babies?
–Cranberry Cafe
Overheard by: Jordan
