Sex

Stop Using Sex as a Weapon

Hipster guy: Wax makes my hair too sticky, I like the mud better.
Hipster girl: I can’t believe we have sex.

–Mott & Spring

Girl: “Feeling sick? Sex can help–”
Professor lady: You haven’t had any lately, have you?

–Pace University

Guy #1: With fiction books, if someone tells you the ending, it’s like there’s no point to them. But with non-fiction, you can know exactly what’s going to happen and they’re still a joy to read.
Guy #2: Man, you really should try getting laid sometime. Stop bothering me.

–Clovis Press, Williamsburg

Overheard by: nalin

Probably Best to Do It While You're Spanking Her

Man #1: That's tough…
Man #2: Yeah. It's like asking your girl to lick your balls. There's no nice way to do that.

–Steinway St

Overheard by: Jake Blaxwell

The Most Romantic Quote We've Received in a While

Girl: How was your date last night?
Guy: He had a sick body but an ugly face. I slept with him anyway.

–84th St & 2nd Ave

I Can Teach You, But I Have to Charge

Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.

The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.

Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?

–M15 bus downtown

Overheard by: hannah g

Have You Considered Putting a Television on the Ceiling?

Girl #1: So, sex has really been terrible lately, he just pounds me and I lie lifeless.
Girl #2: You think he even realizes you're there?
Girl #1: Who knows, it's just boring as hell.

–Morris & Washington

Wednesday Gettin'-None Liners

Man screaming into phone: We've been having fun and fun and fun. The thing we ain't having is fucking sex!

–Greenpoint

Overheard by: LisaLisa

Psych prof: Now, I don't know anyone who's ever died from not having sex. Maybe they tried to get some and failed in some horrible way that led to their demise, but I don't know anyone who's actually died from not having sex. (later) If you go on a starvation diet, which I don't recommend, be sure to drink water because, uh, you will die.

–Barnard College

Overheard by: High Aspirations

Guy to friend: He's fucking 57 years old and he's still a fucking virgin.

–W Broadway & Thomas

Gay man to straight female friend: I haven't had sex in almost two years… I need to get a dog.

–G Train

Overheard by: Sunny

Show Me the Wednesday One-Liners!

Angry teen on cell: I'm not gonna pay 18 dollars for a wedgie!

–Lingerie Department, Macy's

Overheard by: me neither

Girl on cell: I don't have a problem with camping, but why do they have to give me a sleeping bag? Can't they give me linens? It's not like I'm not giving them an insignificant amount of money.

–W Broadway & Grand

Suit on cell: At first I was only making $30,000 a year, but last year I got shot in the foot, and then I got a $1,000 bonus, so now I'm making $32,000 a year. Shit!

–F Train

Overheard by: Brittany Smith

Loud woman on cell: I like and don't mind fucking you, but I need to get paid. I'm unemployed right now.

–108th & Broadway

Elevator operator for observatory, upon leaving: Please come again! We want your money.

–Empire State Building

Old guy in dark suit to young guy in dark suit: You're not embezzling money!

–48th & 8th

Mexicans by Osmosis Are One of the Most Pressing Immigration Issues

Big black dude #1: You want to leave all the white women to me? That’s fine.
Big black dude #2: Oh, [laughs], I don’t have a problem getting white women. I’m half Indian and half Puerto Rican. I got that Boricua thing going.
Big black dude #1: Oh, shit. Well, I got Mexican in my family…
Smaller black dude: You part Mexican? Where were you born?
Big black dude #1: Well, I was born in Haiti, but I grew up in the Bronx, and my uncle recently married a Mexican.

–Changing room, Church St Boxing gym, Church & Park

Sadly, He’s Packing a Puck

Guy #1: Oh man, Alexa is so hot. Sucks that she has a boyfriend.
Guy #2: Dude, how many times do I have to tell you? Just because there is a goalie doesn’t mean you can’t score.

–42nd & 8th

Only in New York and Only in Her

Cum slut: I thought the spermicide would take the sperm away. But it stayed in there and just got itchy. And burns.

–Ginger, Ave. A

Overheard by: Tibbie X

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