Guy #1: Who, Trisha? Hell nah, She never calls me. She sucks.
Guy #2: Nah nigga, she doesn’t suck; she licks.
Guy #1: What the fuck?
Guy #2: Isn’t she a lesbian now or some shit?
Guy #1: I don’t know!
Guy #2: Well I heard she is and like I said, she doesn’t suck. She licks. The bitch eats vagiburgers.
–McDonald’s, 42nd & 7th
Overheard by: Shanny O.
Teen boy: I like touching fat people.
–69th St & 5th Ave, Bay Ridge
Overheard by: Jon A.
Guy to friends: So I was on the subway the other day and I was counting some guys’ chins and I realized, I’m just not a nice person.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: CUMT
Large black woman on cell: Of course I’m loud, I’m fat!
–25th & 8th
Overheard by: Beckerman
Chick to guy: I’m thinking of keeping it, as an excuse to get fat.
–Times Square
Overheard by: Ladle
30-something with heavy NYC accent: Ya know, if I had to do high school all over again, I woulda fucked a fat chick. I wouldna cared so much.
–34th & 5th
Man yelling on cell: I would be so much better at Jeopardy then her! Her fat Indian hands can’t hit the button as fast as I can!
–35rd St & 5th Ave
Female house manager: He comes over and he’s like: "What are you doing?" and I said: "My job." and he goes: "You’re fat."
–Theater, St Mark’s Place
Overheard by: Mariah
Program manager: So what's the difference between living in New York and living in San Francisco?
Swedish developer: More ball grabbing in San Francisco.
–Lafayette & Grand
Overheard by: Ritik
Guy #1: What if it’s a crime or something?
Guy #2: So what? It’s not like you’re a rapist or anything. It’s not like you had sex with a little girl, right?
–Prospect Park
Girl: Thank you.
Guy: For what?
Girl: For being you.
Guy: Can't you be more specific? I thank you for sex.
–24rd St & 3rd Ave
Guy: Okay, here’s the plan: we paint your van, then you have sex with Susan, then I’ll have sex with…someone else. Then we both smoke a lot of weed…
–1st Ave
Overheard by: chris & daile
Teen boy: Yo, I just stopped smoking weed, cause, like, I heard it was bad for you. So I started smoking cigarettes again.
–G train
Queer on cell, taking deep drags of cigarette: No, I’m not! I told you I quit. [Exhales] Umm, that was just me blowing my bangs out of my eyes.
–Outside Bally Fitness, 50th St
Smoker: I read somewhere that if you quit smoking by the time you are middle aged your body can still recover, and I thought, “Great I still have a couple more years to quit.” Then I read what they define “middle aged” as. I’m fucked!
–Upper East Side gallery
Hipster guy: Wax makes my hair too sticky, I like the mud better.
Hipster girl: I can’t believe we have sex.
–Mott & Spring
Girl: “Feeling sick? Sex can help–”
Professor lady: You haven’t had any lately, have you?
–Pace University
Guy #1: With fiction books, if someone tells you the ending, it’s like there’s no point to them. But with non-fiction, you can know exactly what’s going to happen and they’re still a joy to read.
Guy #2: Man, you really should try getting laid sometime. Stop bothering me.
–Clovis Press, Williamsburg
Overheard by: nalin
Man #1: That's tough…
Man #2: Yeah. It's like asking your girl to lick your balls. There's no nice way to do that.
–Steinway St
Overheard by: Jake Blaxwell
Girl: How was your date last night?
Guy: He had a sick body but an ugly face. I slept with him anyway.
–84th St & 2nd Ave
Snappy white woman from Long Island to group of noisy black kids with a baby carriage: When are you guys getting off this bus? I need to know when. Just tell me what stop you’re getting off at so I can decide whether I need to catch another one.
The baby’s mother has her breast out and is squeezing and batting it around, a look of glee on her face. The baby is fast asleep in the stroller.
Mother: Look, milk comin’ out of it!!
Long Island woman: Seriously, when are you getting off?
–M15 bus downtown
Overheard by: hannah g
