Stupidity

Wednesday One-Liners Prefer to Think Of It As “Long-Term Borrowing”

Rich girl: I went to Forever21 and bought a dress. Then I stole some sunglasses and other accessories along with it, cause you know, times are rough.

–Metro-North Rail

Run-down-looking middle-aged guy: I got my phone stolen. Uh-huh. No, it wasn't even a trick, it was a friend!

–Home Depot, 23rd St

Overheard by: STC

Very loud child at display of cars to mother in line: It's okay, mom! You don't need to buy one for me. I can just take one and run out. Maybe even two, easy!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn

Overheard by: oneofmanymikes

Shopping lady to friend: It's okay to steal but it's not okay to be gay.

–94th & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: venniblue

Girl on phone: So you actually caught him stealing from you? (pause) Okay. (pause) Well, you didn't want that anyway. So you're still going to fuck him, right?

–Broadway & 21st St

Ten Bucks Says She’s Thinking of Telly Savalas

Chick #1: You know Gandhi? The Indian guy with the bald head and the robes?
Chick #2: Oh, yeah — he starred in that film.

–Parson’s School of Design

Wednesday One-Liners Clutch Their Fannypacks

Tourist: What’s that entrance right over there… Where it says, ‘Exit’?

–Museum of Natural History

Overheard by: Ms. Dubs

Man to wife and children: I don’t know why you’re following me! I have no clue where I’m going!

–Rockefeller Center

Drunk male tourist: What time does Times Square close?

–Outside Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: Genissimo

Southern tourist dad: ‘Papa Yaking’? What in the hell kinda crazy Jewish name is that?

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Manhattman

Fat Southern lady with teal leggings standing beside fat man with large rodeo belt buckle and USS Nimitz hat to security guard: We’re tourists…

–MoMA

Overheard by: Daniel B

Oh. My. God.

Camp leader: Okay, everyone. I think we should all meet at five behind the naked cowboy.
New Yorker camper: John, the naked cowboy is a man.

–LIRR

You So Stupid You Puke From Your Ass

Meathead #1: I think I just threw up in my pants.
Meathead #2: Cool.

–51st & 2nd

Starbucks: Where Six of One is Not a Half-Dozen of the Other

Employee: Ma’am, can I help you?
Woman: I’d like a half dozen of your chocolate chip cookies.
Employee: We only sell them, like, 1, 2, 3…
Woman to friend: Is she serious?
Friend: She’ll take 6.

–Starbucks, Rockefeller Center Concourse

I Ain’t Evolved From No Damn Sea Monkey!

Woman #1: When we got off the cruise we had to adapt to having land legs.
Woman #2: Well, sea legs is probably our natural state, from way back.

–100th & Broadway

I Thought It Was a Finless Porpoise

College chick #1: It can’t be a muscle. It’s not a bicep.
College chick #2: Yeah, but the heart is a muscle, and the heart is an organ. It’s both.
College dude: It’s an organ. That’s why people always say, ‘He put his organ in her.’ [Passerby turns to look at them] See, that’s why I didn’t want to talk about this.

–50th St & Lex

Overheard by: Ben

The Password is, “Fencing”

Guy: Is that for picket or chain link?
Old man: No, it’s for an Olympic event.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Ray Fisher

The Best NYU Answer Since Mary Kate Admitted She Doesn't Read but Likes Tootsie Rolls

Professor: How many countries are there in the world?
Student: Seven. (silence, then some laughter)

–NYU

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