Teenage hippie: Are we at Queens yet?
African American man: Yeah, duh.
Teenage hippie: How can you tell?
African American man: See those trees? Trees don't grow in Brooklyn. They only grow in Queens.
–J train
Overheard by: Charlie Zhen
Teenage hippie: Are we at Queens yet?
African American man: Yeah, duh.
Teenage hippie: How can you tell?
African American man: See those trees? Trees don't grow in Brooklyn. They only grow in Queens.
–J train
Overheard by: Charlie Zhen
Teen girl: So I deleted my Facebook.
Teen guy: See! There's another one!
Teen girl: Another what?
Teen guy: Another difference, my last girlfriend deleted her MySpace and kept her Facebook. That's, like, so weird.
Teen girl: But we both had both.
Teen guy: Don't argue.
–2 Train
Large black lesbian to friends going into a sex shop: I don't wanna see no dildos unless I'm being fucked!
–Greenwich Village
Overheard by: J.D.
Mormon girl, loudly agreeing with friend: Yeah, I know, I know! I didn't even know what a dildo was until I got here! Like, freshman year!
–Outside Lerner Hall, Columbia University
Overheard by: But what about a vibrator?
Loudest black girl in group of loud black teens: What I recommend, to every fuckin' nigga, is the vibratin' cock ring.
–14th St, Outside Urban Outfitters
Overheard by: Now curious about cockrings
Loud tourist girl: But Susan's butt-plug was only $75.
–Orchard & Rivington
Overheard by: MattyB
Man with thick Brooklyn accent on cell: I got the thing…yes the fuckin thing for the thing…yes, but I'm tellin' you the fuckin thing is definitely not big enough for her.
–31st St & 7th Ave
30-something woman to friend: So, between the time I got back from the meeting and the time you called me, I used my vibrator three times. (pauses and realizes everyone on the train is listening) Oh. Did I say that really loudly?
–D Train
30-year-old man: Hey, I don't do this very often but I need a date to the Mets game tomorrow. Here's my number.
Girl: Do you know how old I am?
30-year-old man: Um…
Girl: 17.
30-year-old man: Oh.
–5th & 48th
Woman: Hey, who's the kid?
Friend: Oh, he's coming with me for “Take Your Kid to Work Day.”
Woman: I didn't know you had a son.
Friend: I don't. This is my nephew. He was stealing money from my purse, so I'm gonna make his life hell for a day.
15-year-old (sarcastically): Yeah, because any day I get to miss school is total hell for me.
Friend: Shut your hole or I'll leave you for the hobos!
–F Train
Teen girl, calmly: My nigga, I only got one car, and I need that car to kill my momma.
–125th & 5th
Overheard by: Caroline
Loud Eastern European man to older guy: If I get you car, you get me woman. Woman for fucking! (gestures a jackhammer motion)
–Union Square
Overheard by: BK
Surprised woman: $15,000? Tonya! For $15,000 you could've bought a car, gone to a psychologist and finally learned how to drive!
–Park Ave & 39th St
Girl on cell: He drove his truck into the pool. No…he drove his truck into the pool. So, I just hope it's not because he was doing something stupid.
–Barnes & Noble, Union Square
Overheard by: Pretty Sure He Was Doing Something Stupid
Man on bike on cell: There ain't no peanut butter in the car.
–West 4th & Sullivan St.
Overheard by: Anna P.
Screaming guy, sticking head out of cab during traffic jam: Fucking three inches per hour!
–Greene St, SoHo
Overheard by: seb
20-something yuppie guy: You said your name is Demetria?
Sassy black teenager: My name is Demetriatis: Rhymes wit' goddess, cause I'm da hottes'.
20-something yuppie guy: So your name is Demetria?
–PATH Train
Teen boy: May I be excused from the table? I have to take a shit.
Older teen sister: Ewwwww, you're disgusting!
Dad: Be thankful. At least we've got him eating with utensils.
–Buddha Bar
Overheard by: Big Larry
Teen girl: The teacher was like, "Everybody did well on the oral part, that's a good thing, because I hadn't thought it was too long or hard." And then a kid in the back shouted, "That's what she said!"
–Times Square
Teen girl, after being hugged by two boys: Okay, which one of you fingered me?
–Outside Queens Center Mall
Overheard by: disgusted educator on bus
Teen on cell: Stuff? What the hell? Wait, stuff and things? What the fuck, man?!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual
Teenage boy: Every time you type "lol" a baby gets kicked in the head.
–150th & Columbus
Teen girl on cell: Why you always call me "ghetto?" I'm not ghetto. (long pause) Okay, I am! But I can't help it!
–Park Avenue
Overheard by: taylor
Teen punk girl on phone: Yeah, I kinda got to third in a dumpster… No! No, it was a clean dumpster!
–St Mark's & 2nd
Girl yelling at guy wearing ridiculously oversized shorts: Eat my shit out the toilet! Stew my shit and eat it!
–109th & Manhattan
Random girl: The only thing is, you have to flush your own toilet paper.
–Brooklyn Botanic Garden
Overheard by: the old fashioned way
Teenager: So then I pooped my pants, and my belt buckle exploded!
–Fulton Street
Overheard by: The Lane Train
10-year-old boy walking with his mom and sister: I'm a good guy. I don't pee on the floor. Or doo doo.
–Broadway, Astoria
Teen on cell: Alright, I'm gonna go home. I gotta clean up some poop.
–49th & 3rd
Girl: He called me last night and said he wanted to see me! When the maid knocked on the door I thought it was him and I thought, "I think I have to poop!"
–Milford Hotel Lobby
