Clap If You Believe in Wednesday One-Liners

Stagehand: I’m telling you, in my next life I’m gonna be a yeti impersonator, and it’s gonna be great!

–Lincoln Center

Curly-haired woman on cell: The gnomes you’ll be seeing are among the friendliest, I think.

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Poogins

Crazy hobo, walking down the street: I bought Jesus! I bought Santa Claus! I bought the tooth fairy!

–Parsons, 40th & 7th ave

College girl to friend, pointing at native-american diorama: Oh look, they even have mermaids here! [walks closer and sees mannequin’s feet.] Never mind, it’s not a mermaid!

–Museum of Natural History

Yuppie mom, to toddler son: You can live on the upper west side and I’ll be the tooth fairy!

–Times Square Subway

Overheard by: Lillian

Posted on April 23, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, College, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crazies, Happiness, Hobos, Holidays, Jesus, Jobs & Careers, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Museum of Natural History, On Cell, On the Subway, Penn Station, Shopping, Sorority Girls, Times Square, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Weirdness, Women, Yuppies

From An Ecstasy-Lover’s Guide to New York City

Tourist #1: Guys… The floor is sparkling!
Tourist #2: Ooooooooooh!!!

–Times Square

Posted on April 21, 2008
Default, Guys, Straight Trippin', Times Square, Tourists

I Particularly Like the One in Which Sigmund Freud Defeated the Three-Headed Dog

College girl #1: If you believe in any god, you should really resepct all other religions, like mythology gods and shit too!
College girl #2: Who can believe mythology?! That stuff was written like, a hundred years ago!

–TGI Fridays, Times Square

Overheard by: m spot

Posted on April 21, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, History & Geography, Questions, Religion, Restaurants & Cafes, Sorority Girls, Stupidity, Time, Times Square

Not If She Fakes Orgasm –Then It’s Performance Art

NJ guy #1: So right after I left my parents house I met up with the hooker, best use of birthday money ever.
NJ guy #2: But you’re underage, that’s like illegal!

–McDonald’s, Times Square

Overheard by: Stewart Lane

Posted on April 19, 2008
Age/Aging, Celebrations/Parties, Crime and Punishment, Default, Friends, Guys, Money & Class, Prostitution, Restaurants & Cafes, Times Square

Now That’s Comedy

Tourist to comedy show hawker: Knock-knock.
Comedy show hawker: Um… Who’s there?
Tourist: I hate comedy. [He walks away.]

–Times Square

Posted on April 18, 2008
Default, Flyer people, Questions, Street, Times Square, Tourists, Weirdness, Words

Does It Wednesday One-Liner When You Pee?

Man on phone, while withdrawing cash at the ATM: Congrats, dude. It could still be chlamydia though!

–LES

Overheard by: Romano

Kid: I don’t like this place, it has aids.

–F Train

Overheard by: Richard J. Anderson

Man on cell: You can’t just sleep in somebody’s bed and not tell them you have scabies. That’s… irresponsible.

–Home Depot

Professional woman: So I think you have an STD and blah blah blah.

–Times Square

Customer: Can we get an extra plate? He’s sick and I have herpes.

–Freemans, Freeman’s Alley

Twentysomething businesswoman: I was like, ‘oh my god, don’t hook up with my mom’… she has crabs!

–13th & 2nd

Overheard by: Natalia

Posted on April 9, 2008
Advice, AIDS, All Wednesday One-Liners, Customers, Default, Illness, Kids, Lower East Side, Men, On Cell, On the Subway, Questions, Sex, STDs, Store, Times Square, Union Square and East Village, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Can’t Drive the Bus Below 50 MPH

Tourist: This is New York. Nothing happens fast here.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Get out of my way – I’m in a hurry

Empowered shopper: I have a cart. I can go as slow as I want.

–Chelsea Whole Foods

Overheard by: and she did

Girl to friend, after introducing her boyfriend: It’s not that he’s slow. He just hesitates before answering because he’s thinking of movie quotes and stuff.

–515 Bar, 34th Street & 3rd Ave

Mom of fast-walking baby: YO YO! Slow your roll.

–Grand St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Alicia Van Couvering

Woman, while swiping metrocard: Gotta do it fast, just like a handjob.

–79th St Subway Station

Loud beeatch: Dammit, why you movin’ so slow? Don’t you know what city you’re in? Shit!

–42nd St & Madison

Overheard by: Jen

Conductor on PA: Attention, passengers. We have red signals ahead of us. Still working out the kinks. The good news is, once we get past Bergen, we’ll be back up to our normal speed. [pauses] which still isn’t too fast.

–F train

Overheard by: He ain’t kiddin’

Posted on April 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Biotechs, Brooklyn, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Hand-Jobs, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Money & Class, Movies, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Questions, Relationships, Shopping, Subway conductors, Times Square, Tourists, Weirdness, Whole Foods, Women

It’s Unlikely Grandma Will Be That Grateful.

Comedy promoter to guy carrying flower: Oh, a flower! Somebody’s getting laid tonight!
Guy carrying flower: That’s doubtful.

–Times Square

Posted on April 4, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Compliments, Default, Guys, Hook Ups, Nice People, Strangers, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Trees and plants

Was He Actually Talking about That? Because That Would Be Sad.

Wannabe gangster, on opposite Up escalator, watching couple in their mid-20s kissing on Down escalator: Yeah, that’s what I’m talking about.
[Girl flashes a thumbs-up behind the guy’s back.]Wannabe gangster: Yo, that bitch is COOL!

–AMC Theatre, Times Square

Overheard by: just eating popcorn

Posted on March 31, 2008
Default, Gangstas, K-I-S-S-I-N-G, Theater, Times Square, Words

Wednesday Just Can’t Commit to a One-Liner

Mid-20s girl: I never date a guy who gets more than three questions wrong on the SATs. I don’t plan it, it just works out that way.

–23rd & 8th

Overheard by: Limey

Hipster on cell: I went through this time when I was like, ‘I could have 800 girlfriends at the same time and just not tell them about each other.’ That was much easier…

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Guy pointing to nothing in particular on the sidewalk: Uh, dude, you dropped your girlfriend.

–Times Square

Overheard by: christine

Muslim woman in full abaya, dragging husband along: Right now I need to focus on my needs. Do you hear me? This is about my needs!

–Atlantic Ave, in front of Brooklyn Heights YMCA

Man to woman on the sidewalk: Well, we had our one, but it wasn’t so much a fight as it was a mini-series.

–12th, between 6th & 5th

Overheard by: Karen

Girl: My asshole boyfriend! I was just staying with him until Valentine’s Day so that I could get a present, and tomorrow he’s history! But then I didn’t even get that!

–NYU Silver Center

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Breaking Up, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Dating, Default, Education, Gifts, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Holidays, Islam, Lies, Men, NYU, Promiscuity, Relationships, Street, The Village, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Washington Square Park, Williamsburg, Women