Union Square and East Village

Older woman to bored-looking male dinner companion, as they are seated at a table: Now we have to think of something to talk about.

–The Place, West Village

Overheard by: Colleen

Female grad student: I was trippy enough to talk to Shrek, but not trippy enough for him to answer.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Poogins

Hobo with huge afro chasing after two chatting women: Are you talking when the champion is speaking?! How dare you?

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Teacher to class entering auditorium: Children, stop talking! This is a building!

–College of Mount Saint Vincent

Man on cell: Ray Romano, you're talking to a millionaire!

–Chelsea

Overheard by: Katie

Girl on phone: It's just like, he seriously has a really squishy face that you can stick your finger in, and it goes like a million miles in, and you're just like "what the fuck!" But yeah, nothing happened, we just talked.

–Palladium Residence Hall, NYU

Black person #1: Did you see Obama's speech last night?
Black person #2: No, what did he say?
Black person #1: Someone asked if he knows how much debt he is putting us in, and he says “Listen, I'm not the motherfucker that got us here.”
(they high five)

–Barnes & Noble, Union Square

Ranting teenager: Pregnancy hurts! I just don't understand why we can't just lay eggs like chickens.
Random hobo: No one likes their babies sunny side up!

–2nd Ave & 10th St

Skater boy: (horrible screeching dinosaur-like scream)
Crowd of skater boy's friends: Pterodactyl orgasm!

–Union Square

Girl on cell: Oh my god, I was watching some porn the other day and saw the creepiest thing! (pause) No, it's not a penis. I've seen penises before. (pause) No, it wasn't an ugly penis. That would be like…what, a herpes penis? (pause) So anyway, I was watching this porno, right? This guy lubed up his head and stuck it into a vagina. Like, up to his friggin'…past his nose! (pause, then laughing) I get off on lubed-up heads? (pause) Yeah, he was bald.

–11th St & 5th Ave

Preppy guy: If it's made out of brass, it's not pornographic.

–Brooklyn Botanical Gardens

Overheard by: Hunter (aka

Guy on cell: Yeah, so I got this one called Stick it in Deep.

–St. Mark's Place

Overheard by: j

Indignant law student: Look, the fact is, the videos of animal torture were not being used for sexual gratification!

–Fordham Law School

Beatnik professor: The internet is only good for two things. Online banking is not one of them. If you online bank, then you're fucked for life. They'll steal your identity. The internet is good for porn, and for getting underwear on sale. Now, I know many people may find buying a brassiere online to be strange, but women do it anyway. Now, the internet is great for porn, but you can't do kiddie porn. If you do kiddie porn then they'll get you. We all know who they are.

–Queens College

Fat black girl #1: Remember that time he didn't come out because he said he had diarrhea?
Fat black girl #2: Yeah, and then we went over to his house, and he didn't even have diarrhea!

–14th & 2nd

Cute young male suit, smiling: Was I erect?
Cute young female suit, smiling: Yes.
Cute young male suit: Did I stay that way?
Cute young female suit: Yes!
Cute young male suit: Amazing!

–E.2nd St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: Liz A.

Blond girl in elevator #1: You know, you really shouldn't do that to your body there.
Blond girl in elevator #2: I know, I know–I guess it's not exactly an orifice…

–Building, E 12th St

Overheard by: Strickles

16-year-old girl to friend: Halfway through the date he took out a puppet and started singing.
Excited friend: Really? Oh my god, he is husband material!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Justin

Girl #1: Listen, I will tell you how I get skinny. I don't work out and I just don't eat real food. I eat like pudding and yogurt and candy. That's it! And I get skinny.
Girl #2: Yeah, totally works!

–Union Square