U.S. Geography

You Laugh, But This Is How We Decided to Invade Iraq

Guy #1: So are we gonna make out later? I’m going back to LA; we’ll never have to see each other again.
Girl: No, I don’t think so.
Guy #2: Yes! That’s a maybe!

–The Delancey, Delancey between Clinton & Attorney
Headline by: Kane, OKC

Runners-Up:
· “At the Clubs He Goes to, Pepper Spray to the Face Means ‘I Love You'” – Bardley
· “Breaking News: Harsh No/Yes Polarity Outlawed in LA” – LoneRhino
· “Governor Schwarzenegger, Would You Please Take the Stand?” – not a terminator fan.
· “His Glass Is Half Full… Of GHB” – Panthea
· “Jennifer Aniston and Brad Pitt’s Final Conversation” – QueenNisha
· “Surprisingly ‘Between Clinton & Attorney’ Only Describes the Location” – matintin
· “Why the ‘Just Say No’ Policy Failed: Men Were Involved” – Mark Manne
· “Women Are from New York, Men Are from LA” – Alika
· “Yeah, and Maybe We’ll Still Find the WMD” – 999er
· “Yes! He’s Probably Sold His Screenplay, Too! Maybe!” – David Terrenoire

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Wednesday One-Liners Are All About the Benjamins

Fashionista: I’m not ready for a rich man.

–East Village

Woman: Yeah, he’s got money. Like, when Michael Jackson tried to buy the Elephant Man? That kind of money. Giraffe money!

–Uptown 6 train

3-Year-Old: My daddy makes a lot of money so my mommy and me can live the life we want to live.

–Playground, DUMBO

Overheard by: grimrosary

Salesperson: Yeah, so he was like, “That’s what it means to be rich. I can buy whatever makes me and my fiancé happy. I can buy her all the Harry Potter memorabilia that she wants.”

–Paragon Sports, 18th & Broadway

Overheard by: LSB

Wall-Street-Intern chick: So, if the weather is bad here in the Hamptons I may just fly to California or South Beach for the weekend. Hopefully nobody at work will need me because I may have to get a flight on Friday morning. You know, I have to do what’s fiscally feasible for me…and by “me”, I mean my parents.

–D train

Overheard by: I hope she reads this, and then dies…

Male customer to deli worker: Do you know where can I get a fake Rolex with counterfeit money?

–19th & 6th

Overheard by: Hobo Hank

Little girl, talking for a teddy bear with a stocking over its head, to another teddy bear: Give me all your money!

–Goodwill

How Else to Explain All These Kentucky Fried Chicken Franchises?

Man: You know what the tristate area is? New York, New Jersey, and Kentucky.
Woman: What?

–181st & Riverside

Overheard by: Josh H

Nobody Makes You Vomit but Me!

Doctor: What do you mean you vomited? When did you find the time to vomit? I don’t care if you’re in California, get on a plane back here! What do you mean, you vomited? How could you?!

–Lenox Hill Hospital

Overheard by: mademoisellezoo

Just like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson

Man, to driver who has almost hit them: No turns on red, you fucking asshole!
Woman: Calm down. He’s from Virginia–he’s obviously an idiot.

–60th & Madison

Overheard by: Todd Garrin

They Came Up the Mississippi Along with Jazz

Spanish girl: Why are there so many Mexicans in Minnesota? Isn’t that really far north?
Spanish boy: I don’t know…
Spanish girl: I mean, how’d they swim that far?

–23rd & Lex

If Wednesday One-Liners Can Make It Here, They Can Make It Anywhere

Chick: Nothing says New York like a wire frog.

–Battery Park

Lady who has loudly complained to the waiter about the poor service: It’s people like that who give New York City a bad name.

–Lindy’s, 7th Ave

Overheard by: joemikehap

Amateur anthropologist: Of course I have a snarky attitude! I’m a New Yorker; it’s practically a requirement!

–F train

Overheard by: Braincurve

Tourist on cell: Yeah! I’m in New York! Yeah, it’s kinda like New Orleans, except bigger and you can’t drink in the streets.

–Grand Central

Man on bicycle: New York is about freedom! Suck a dick!

–Astor Place

Overheard by: Laura

Guy watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre trailer: See, that’s why I never leave New York. You never see crazy motherfuckers like that in New York…except for niggas on the train.

–Regal Cinemas, Court St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Clitoris Rex

Little girl: There’s a lot of people in this New York City!

–Times Square

Wasn’t Roosevelt a Character on the Early Sesame Street Episodes?

Girl #1, showing Girl #2 a website: Look at how beautiful this place is; it’s in Rhode Island.
Girl #2: I love Rhode Island. I used to go there a lot.
Girl #3: Yuck, why would you go to Rhode Island? That’s where that mental institution is. Why would you want to go there?
Girl #2: No, Rhode Island is a state in our country. You mean Roosevelt Island, and that institution has been closed for, like, ever.

–W 77th St

But the Rocky Mountain Oysters Are a Little Better Back Home

Tammy Ealom: When I’m in New York, I eat way too much Chinese food.
Dude: Did you go to Chinatown?
Tammy Ealom: No, just some place up the street. When you come from Denver, pretty much everything is good.

–Dressy Bessy show, Sin-e, Attorney & Stanton

Overheard by: Hobo Whisperer

Fawn Hall and Ollie North Do Some Catching Up

Person #1: So, what’s the third state in the tri-state area? I know: New Jersey…Certainly New York. Is it Connecticut?
Person #2: You never hear about a bi-state area.
Person #1: What about Nicaragua. Didn’t you have sex with both a girl and a boy there?
Person #2: I don’t think the country of Nicaragua bases its sense of identity on my sexual exploits.
Person #1: Is Long Island a state?

–9th & Ave A

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