Middle aged guy: I keep getting injured at concerts.
Friend: You do?
Middle aged guy: Yeah, like, when I fell off the stage at Girl Talk… Well, more like I got pushed.
–E Houston & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: BenRC
Middle aged guy: I keep getting injured at concerts.
Friend: You do?
Middle aged guy: Yeah, like, when I fell off the stage at Girl Talk… Well, more like I got pushed.
–E Houston & 2nd Ave
Overheard by: BenRC
Young man: You're fat because you need to release. Look at me, that's why I'm slim and sexy. I beat off every day.
–Prospect Heights, Brooklyn
Salesgirl to salesgirl friend: I wanna thank you for taking the time to repeatedly hit me in my arm fat and make it jiggle.
–Henri Bendel
Overheard by: Stephan Dion
Professor to class of girls: You guys are all thin (looks around classroom and notices there are some fat girls) …mostly.
–Fashion Institute of Technology
Suit to another: All I'm trying to say is, she's not tall enough for her weight.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: ednapontellier
Black girl: Fat people can do splits because they have no bones.
–Pizza Place, St. Mark's Place
Five-year-old to very overweight man while waiting for Thanksgiving Day parade: Are you one of the balloons?
–Broadway & 50th St
Overheard by: Peter
Ghetto fab bus driver : Hello and good morning. Welcome to the Bolt Bus, my name is Jacques and I'm going to be your operator today. We do appreciate your business. Well, I appreciate your business. For my nails. Getting my hair done. Yeah.
–BoltBus
Overheard by: Julie and Mark The Snob
Bus driver (as bus leaves Lexington stop): The stop after this stop will be the next stop.
(as bus turns into Central Park) Ladies and gentlemen, the next stop will be Central Park West. Please have your passports ready.
–Crosstown Bus
Bus driver over intercom (as bus passes Unisphere): Oh, everyone's from New York? Then y'all already know this spot! I can't tell you nothing! Bye.
–Shuttle Bus, Flushing Meadows Park
Conductor: Good morning! This is the bus dispatcher. It's a sunny 78 degrees on a beautiful Wednesday! I'm happy to report the bus lanes inbound to New York are slicing through traffic like a hot knife through butter! Enjoy your day, control center, out.
–NJ Transit Bus
Overheard by: Jerzey…CloseEnough
Conductor: Alright folks, remember to keep cool today and drink plenty of water. I recommend ya'll eat some Honey Nut Cheerios. Honey Nut Cheerios will make ya'll nicer to each other. Stay away from that bacon and eggs. Too hot. Yes, Honey Nut Cheerios. Have a nice day.
–B61 Bus
Overheard by: should have eaten breakfast
Girl #1: Fergus's apartment is down there. Have you ever seen it?
Girl #2: I have. Actually, I did ecstasy in that apartment once. Wait, you were there! We ate ostrich. You rolled around on the carpet.
–Lexington & 51st St
Mother: How’s your pizza?
Little boy: Okay. It tasted better when I was high.
–Giorgio’s Pizza
Overheard by: ramona
Cheerful female conductor: This is the express train. That means it's not not not not not not not the local train. Don't screw up.
–Metro-North Rail
Overheard by: Lynne
Conductor: Behold! This is Woodside! Change here for the former Shea Stadium, now Mets-Willets point. Have a great time!
–LIRR
Conductor: After Syosset, the next stop will be express, directly to Hunters Point Avenue. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars.
–LIRR
Overheard by: morningcommute
Conductor: There is an uptown express train across the tracks. When the doors open, get off if you want to get off. Don't just stand there looking at it.
–Uptown 6 Train
Overheard by: Julie
Conductor, as doors open for passengers: Ladies and gentlemen, we know you've been waiting a long time for a train… (doors close abruptly) Wait for another.
–Q Train
Hispanic dude, about large Pitbull: Yo, this nigga is the one! I'ma take this nigga home with me!
Girlfriend, about adjacent dog: I like this one!
Hispanic dude: Bitch, fuck you! I'ma take the dog and leave you here! Put you in the dog cage, take this nigga home!
–Animal Care and Control, Adoptable Dog Ward
Overheard by: Vicksburg
Smoking man to another: I've heard being pregnant is really bad for your health.
–Columbia University
Overheard by: CS
Large black woman: An' I been tellin' him I got all these ideas for t-shirts… Like one for a pregnant lady that says "Congratulations, you're not the daddy!"
–BX12 Bus
Overheard by: shayshay
NYU boy on cell: Wait, you're pregnant? You're pregnant!? I thought you were just fat. (pause) But he said he didn't come in you, just on your face.
–Union Square
Woman to date: Let's go get pregnant!
–Santos Party House, Lafayette St
Overheard by: alisa
Wife: I think we might need a stiff drink after this.
Husband: (doesn't respond)
Wife: It's supposed to be sad.
Husband: I think I want to take a nap now.
Wife: Do you want me to wake you up when the show starts?
Husband: (grunts)
Wife: Was that a yes or a no?
Husband: Yes.
–Cherry Lane Theatre
Overheard by: Emily B.
Woman #1: Have you ever been with a married man?
Woman #2: No. Not even when I was married.
–23rd & 9th Ave
Overheard by: C-Belle
Headline by: Rob
Runners-Up:
· “…But My Husband Has.” – Jen
· “Among the More Common Transexual Paradoxes” – Leary Blaine
· “I Could Never Schedule an Appointment With His Secretary” – Lizzay
· “I Knew There Was a Reason I Shouldn’t Have Married a Priest…” – Lukas
· “What Are You Trying to Say, Mom?” – dazed and confused
