Wednesday One-Liner Is Murder!

Girl to friend: Yeah, so before I came in here I wasn't a vegetarian, but now my expectations have changed.

–New Williamsburg Cafe

Overheard by: Nick Ace

Jenny*: When I say that I'm a vegan, the other Jenny, the little Texan Jenny inside of me goes, "you are so disgusting!"

–Tisch School of the Arts

Overheard by: Southern Carnivore

White flyer lady, singing: Peeeeople! Veeeegans have bet-ter-sex, bet-ter-health, and live decades longer to enjoy it all!

–LaSalle & Broadway

Wannabe vegan on cell: Is applesauce vegan?

–Denny's

Guy: You know how vegetarians say they won't eat anything with a face? So what about that woman that got attacked by the chimp? Would they eat her? (stunned silence) Too soon?

–Steinway & Broadway, Astoria

Overheard by: Go Rangers!

Posted on June 17, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Body Parts, Brooklyn, College, Compare/Contrast, Flyer people, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, On Cell, One-liners, Psychology, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sex, Vegetarian & Vegan, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Williamsburg

The First Glitch in Your Matrix Is Always the Hardest, Honey

Obese middle-aged lady: So I went to mail a letter…and the mailbox I've used for 25 years was gone! What do you think that even means? Did someone steal it? Why would they just remove a mailbox?
Skinny middle-aged white man, incredulously: I've never heard of anything like that in my entire life.
Obese middle-aged lady: I know, I was literally standing there for 15 minutes wondering what to do. I missed my train, I really don't know why they would remove a mailbox.
Skinny middle-aged white man: That is crazy. I've never heard of that.
(couple then repeats variations of the same conversation for the next three stops)

–Downtown 1 Train

Posted on June 13, 2009
Crazy, Fat People, Men, On the Subway, Skinny People, Stupidity, Thievery, Weirdness, White People, Women

Notice How Bruce Willis Never Eats in The Sixth Sense

Latino sandwich artist to sassy white girl: Is that all or do you need to order a sandwich for your husband too?
Sassy girl: He doesn't exist, so he doesn't get a sandwich.

–Subway Restaurant

Overheard by: missalicious

Posted on June 5, 2009
Clerks, Customers, Girls, Junk Food & Fast Food, Latinos, Marriage, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, White People

…But, Um, No.

Black comedy show promoter: Do you want to see a comedy show tonight?
Teenage white girl: Um…no.
Black promoter: Come on. Do you even like black people?
Teenage white girl, with huge smile on her face: Why yes! I love black people!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Haefster

Posted on June 2, 2009
Black People, Offers and requests, Questions, Race, Teens, Theater & Dance, Times Square, Vendors & Street Performers, White People

Wednesday One-Liners, Cracked but Not Broken

Large woman attempting to sit down: Y'all better slide down, cause my ass is wide!

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: squished

Limping black hobo to preppy white male: Maaaaan…what's that got to do with wiping yo' ass?

–10th Ave b/w 50th & 51st

Middle aged man to daughter: Come on, let's go look for baby bottle butt!

–H Mart

Professor: I got excited because another man touched my ass in public!

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Haven't we all?

Seated man to mom letting her child run around restaurant: Your daughter just put her hand in my butt crack.

–Park Slope

Posted on May 27, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Asshole, Black People, Cleanliness, Dads, Diet/Weight, Fat People, Fordham, Grocery Stores, Height, Hobos, Horny, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Park Slope, Poop, Preppies, Teachers/Professors, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People, Women

Girls Are Actually More About the Dew Point

Tall awkward white dude: So you mean to tell me you never question your sexuality?
Girl, shaking her head slowly: No.
Tall awkward white dude: I mean, it's not like it's conscience. It's like a barometer thing: when you meet someone, you just respond.

–7 Train

Posted on May 19, 2009
Compare/Contrast, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, On the Subway, Questions, Sexuality, Weirdness, White People

You Were Supposed to Learn That In, Like, Kindergarten

White teenage girl to friends: I have two Asian cousins.
Friend: Why?
White teenage girl: Because Asians like Italian pussy, that's why.

–22nd St & Lexington Ave

Posted on May 14, 2009
Family Ties, Friends, Girls, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Questions, Race, Teens, Vagina, White People

Wednesday One-Liners: Because You're Worth It.

Girl: I can't decide if I should wear my hair up or down. (friend nods) I mean, you know when you have to make, like…decisions?

–Bathroom, Columbia University

Very white middle-school boy, yelling to friends: He say yo' momma got a cheap-ass weave!

–87th & Lexington

Girl with huge curly hair: You see I, ugh…randomly wake up reaching up to feel, and see if my hair is still there. Then my subconscious is like "wait! Am I breathing?" Oh yes. I'm breathing!

–Chat N Chew Restaurant

Young teen guy to girlfriend: You see, I got hairline issues. You know, 'cuz when you get older, your hair follicles increase and your hair is less. I'm not used to my hair. It used to be here (points to his forehead), but now it's here. (points to the same place on his forehead) I got hairline issues.

–4 Ttrain

Overheard by: Megz

Nanny, adjusting ward's ponytail: If I fall, I'm taking your hair with me.

–5 Train

Posted on May 6, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Girlfriends, Girls, Hair, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Psychology, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Teens, Upper East Side, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, White People

When You Unwittingly Help a Tourist, We All Lose Out

Chubby Mideastern white tourist: Hey! Is this Houston Street?
Thug: I've had enough of you tourists! One more of this Hooostin Street shit and I'mma bust a cap in yo Midwestern fat asses!
Husband of Mideastern white tourist: I'm guessing it is.

–Houston Street

Posted on May 5, 2009
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Ass, Couples, Directions, Insults, Midwesterners, Only in New York, Questions, Street, Threats, Thugs, Tourism, White People

Ever Seen a Big Rawhide Chew?

Asian chick: I was looking for dog toys.
White chick: And how'd you get from that to vibrators?

–Dallas BBQ, Chelsea

Overheard by: Saaaandwich?

Posted on April 25, 2009
Asians, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dildos and Vibrators, Girls, Man's Best Friend, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Weirdness, White People

White People