Wednesday One-Liners Do Not Go Gentle Into That Good Night

Reverse-Necrophiliac: I hate dead people. They have such attitude.

–Time Warner Center

Elderly bathroom attendant, finding a used tampon on the floor: Whoever did this, I hope she die! That shit is nasty! I hope her pooty fall out and she die!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Leah Beirne

Hefty guy: No, I will not take pictures of a dead body… Not if it only died for a few hours.

–Target, Queens Blvd

Overheard by: barbat

Co-Worker on phone: If you do die 25 years ago, you don’t die now!

–52nd & 5th

Proselytizer: Listen! Listen to me! You must abstain! Abstinence is the only way! I tell you the truth–if you have sex, you will get pregnant, you will get an STD, and you will die!

–125th St

Overheard by: slightly intrigued

Woman: You’re born, yadda yadda yadda…You learn how to type. You get clarity. And then, ya die.

–24th & 7th

Overheard by: Dennis

Compassionate man on cell: The kid died from an overdose…[laughs] But the kid died from a drug overdose. So it’s not my fault.

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Posted on September 13, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Death, Druggies, Drugs, Etiquette, Fat People, Fears, Grocery Stores, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Health and Hygiene, Illness, Kids, Manhattan, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Private Parts, Queens, STDs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Whole Foods, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Always Thought Slim Goodbody Was Hot

Woman: You better get that uvula home soon!

–Brooklyn bound F train

Overheard by: PoisonIvy

Cracked-Out queer, holding US Weekly: Mmmmmm, Ashlee lookin’ good! You know why? Whole lotta crack in her belly!

–1 train

Guy: So they took out my spleen and rummaged through my internal organs…

–1 train

Overheard by: sara n.

Woman on cell: I can’t believe it; your brain muscle must be telepathetic or something!

–18th & Park

Overheard by: edward

Vendor: What if they test it and find that it’s from his ear?!

–Wooster & Broome

Professor: My favorite magazine is one for undertakers. It’s called Caskets and Sunnyside. You can order ears. Right ears, left ears; there’s a market for them.

–Fordham

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Chick on cell: Wait, your uterus is what? What? Your uterus is what?! I’m on the street. I can’t hear–Oh, tilted! That’s totally fucked up. I’m sorry.

–23rd & 6th

Posted on September 13, 2006
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Celebrities, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Classroom, College, Druggies, Drugs, Fordham, Girls, Hard Drugs, Manhattan, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, People, Places, Pop Culture, Private Parts, Psychic, Queers, Soho, Street, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Topics, Vagina, Vendors & Street Performers, Venues, Women

And Apparently, She Kisses Her Kids with That Mouth

Mother: Bitches, get your asses over here!
Son #1: There’s no seats.
Mother: There’s one right here next to me.
Son #2: I wanna sit next to him.
Mother: I said, motherfuckers, get your asses over here. I don’t want to sit by myself.
Son #1: There’s nowhere to sit!
Mother: I said, get over here. I don’t want to sit by myself. I don’t know no one over here!
Older woman: Don’t no one make friends with her.

–A train

Overheard by: Rehey

Posted on September 11, 2006
Anger Management, Biotechs, Boys, Brothers, Family Ties, Kids, Moms, Old People, On the Subway, Women

It Was on the Invitations

Woman: So, did you hear so-and-so is getting married?
Man: Really? How does her fiancé feel about her being a lesbian?
Woman: She’s not a lesbian.
Man: Really? Does anybody else know that?

–Central Park Reservoir

Overheard by: Jill

Posted on September 10, 2006
Central Park, Gays and Lesbians, Lesbians, Marriage, Men, Parks, Queers, Women

The Gorgon Sisters Tour Manhattan

Old tourist lady #1: Nobody looks at you here. Nobody looks into your eyes.
Old tourist lady #2: They probably would if we were better looking.

–Midtown

Posted on September 10, 2006
Beauty, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, Only in New York, Tourists, Women

Is This the ‘Grandfather Paradox’?

Young woman: So you got any kids?
Older man: Nope, no kids.
Young woman: What about grandkids?

–1 Penn Plaza

Overheard by: Toastmaster

Posted on September 5, 2006
Buildings, Family Ties, Idiots, Men, Old People, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Women

Just like George Washington and Thomas Jefferson

Man, to driver who has almost hit them: No turns on red, you fucking asshole!
Woman: Calm down. He’s from Virginia–he’s obviously an idiot.

–60th & Madison

Overheard by: Todd Garrin

Posted on September 5, 2006
Anger Management, Cars and Driving, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Stupidity, U.S. Geography, Upper East Side, Women

Iraq Did the Same Thing, and Look at Them

Black woman: You’re my lawyer! Ain’t it your fucking job to take care of shit like this?! All you white people, controlling everything–you’re all incompetent! Fuckin’ white people!
White attorney: Sandra*, please calm down.
Black woman: Fuckin’ white people!
White attorney: Ma’am, speaking as a white person who happens to hold $379,000 of your money in escrow, may I suggest you stop cursing at us and calm down before I get up and take your checks with me?
Black woman: I will not calm down!!

White attorney gets up and leaves the room.

Woman’s husband: See what you did? You done upset the white man. I ain’t got no problem wit you cursin’ at crackahs, but why you gotta go and piss off the white man who got all our money?

–54th between 7th & 8th

Overheard by: Amused white intern

Posted on September 5, 2006
Anger Management, Assholes, Black People, Ghetto Chicks, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, White People, Women

Retail Therapy Soothes Even the Most Troubled Upper East Side Soul

Upper-East-Side lady on cell: I know, but I was at a funeral all day…Yeah, it was sad, but I really didn’t know him at all…This saddest thing was seeing his daughters upset. They’re the same ages as–Wow! This shirt is only $19!! You can’t even buy a freaking Frappuccino for $19! I’m getting it in blue.

–Banana Republic, 86th & 3rd

Overheard by: DC

Posted on September 3, 2006
Compare/Contrast, Death, Family Ties, Ladies Who Lunch, Money & Class, Retail Therapy, Store, Upper East Side, Women

The AKC’S New Slogan

Park employee: Look, lady, if you want to have your dog off leash, you can bring it in after nine o’clock at night.
Upper-East-Side lady: Oh, that’s a great idea. I’ll just bring my dog into Central Park after nine…and get raped!
Park employee: What good is a dog if it can’t stop you from getting raped?

–Central Park, 85th St

Posted on September 2, 2006
Blue-collar workers, Central Park, Man's Best Friend, Rape, Rich people, Talking/Convos, Women

Women