Age/Aging

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

Only Way to Learn Anything

Mother to friend: So, I had a hot flash the other day, and I was like, ‘Oh my god! Am I going through menopause?’ and–
Son: –Mom! What does ‘menopause’ mean? [Mother ignores him.] If you don’t tell me, I’ll yell it in public until you do!

–Starbucks

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Felicity Huffman Deserved that Oscar

Skater kid: What’s the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?

–42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man… Well, she didn’t last a week at the factory.

–Bus in Lincoln Tunnel

TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There’s no green ‘It’s a hermaphrodite!’ balloon to put out on your front lawn.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I’m sick of being like, ‘That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.’

–26th St

Overheard by: agrees with that girl

College student on cell: Great, I’ll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?

–114th & Broadway

Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it’s time to differentiate.

–Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Now It’s Sex with the Same Guy at Random Intervals

Late-20s chick #1: I wish I was 22 again so I could just have random sex with some guy.
Late-20s chick #2: Yeah, me too… Me, too…

–Beer Line, Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Still Pretending to be 22

To Slimy I Bequeath 100 Dollars. All My Love, Elwood

Waiter: Every time I see you, you look younger.
Older man: Oh?
Waiter: Younger, fresher, more rejuvenated…
Older man: I’ll remember you in my will.

–Diner, Broadway & 78th

Besides, Paul Newman is Still Hot

Queer #1: Oh my god! I can’t believe you tricked with him! He looks like he’s 70 years old!
Queer #2: Honey, everyone’s the same age when there’s a hand in your ass.

–51st & 9th

Overheard by: Geri AssTrick

No: Reading / Female / Soup-Eating / Myopic / Eccentric / Interested in Nutrition

Queer pointing at eccentric woman reading sides of soup cans with a spy glass: I want to be more like that.
Girl: What, ugly?

–Food Emporium, 50th St & 8th Ave

No More X for You Tonight

Chick: There sure are a lot of old people in this line.
Boyfriend: No they aren’t, baby. Do you mean Asian?
Chick: No! I know the difference!

–53rd & Lex

Overheard by: Emily

When You Get So Fat and Wrinkly and Saggy That No One Would Ever Do You Again, That’s How You Know It’s Over

Old lady #1: Oooh, I’m so cold on this bus! That’s why I have to wear this sweatshirt.
Old lady #2: Well, I just wanna know when my heatwave’s gonna end. I’m going through the changes.

— B61 bus

She Only Feels Well in Even-Numbered Years

Mourner: Hi, I haven’t seen you in a long time! How’s your mother?
Priest: She’s okay. She won’t be coming today because she’s not feeling well. She just turned 95.
Mourner: 95! She’s that old? Holy crap!

— Funeral Home, Rockaway Blvd, Queens

Overheard by: Les Izzmore

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