All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners Graduate Magna Cum Laude

Young man: I think I hurt my throat when impersonating Mark having an orgasm.

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Harmony Davis

Older queer to boyfriend: Uh! Uh! I'm gonna cum! I'm gonna cum! I have to have this record! It's so good! It makes me orgasm!

–W 72nd S, Record Store

Overheard by: Never achieved an orgasm that way…

Punk kid to two friends: I want to pierce my shaft and put different things in it so I can give girls better orgasms.

–West Village

Overheard by: Andy & Nick

Man on pay phone: I want to come all over your cock.

–Astor Place

Overheard by: sofia

Drunk chick, loudly as the bar goes silent: I could make you come with one finger!

–Bar, Fulton St

Overheard by: Izzy

Carrie Nation’s Wednesday One-Liners

German dude sits right next to drunk guy and fiddles with his Blackberry, ignoring drunk guy.

Drunk guy: I can’t believe I am sitting here talking to myself, drunk off my ass on an empty train, and you sit right here next to me.

–Nearly empty R train

Drunk college guy on phone: Dude, you’ve gotta come down here… Seriously, everyone’s gonna be here! There’s these two guys coming — the first guy is the first dude and the second guy, he’s the second dude! It’s gonna be freaking sweet!

–Serendipity 3, E 60th St

Overheard by: a. keane

Drunk girl points to a huge heap on the sidewalk: This is my first New York City garbage!

–2nd Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: acep

Drunk girl: …And so Tiffany came over to me and was like, ‘Josh is such a douche bag.’ And so I was like, ‘It’s okay, have another drink.’ And so she was like, ‘Okay. If he comes over here I’m gonna kick him in the balls.’ And Josh came over, and he was like, ‘Can’t you just talk to me?’ And Tiffany was all like, ‘I hate you, get away from me,’ and he was like, ‘But you’ve got a really nice rack,’ and so they started hooking up.

–A train

Angry drunk hobo to security guard outside office building: I am never staying at this hotel again! Wait, is this a hotel?

–48th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cara

Drunk guy, shirt in pieces after being forcefully removed by bouncers: Good show… Good venue.

–In front of B.B. King Blues Club & Grill, 42nd St

Overheard by: Bluesybyer

Wednesday Sung Liners

Metalhead, playing guitar and singing: Buy some fuckin' poptarts /buy some fuckin' weed/ buy some fuckin' cigarettes/buy everything you need!

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: j

Singing hobo pushing cart: I am wiiiise. I am wise!

–Union Square Station

Overly flamboyant gay guy, singing: I kissed a girl and I liked iiiit. (swishes hips while walking)

–11th St & 7th Ave

Overheard by: Mal Sullivan

Singing gay guy to another, clapping hands in rhythm: You look like a cunt, you act like a cunt, you smell like a cunt, you feel like a cunt…

–2 Train

Overheard by: drew

Hobo, getting into train and taking out electric guitar and amp: Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please! This song is for the white lady with the orange pocketbook. She reminds me of Martha Stewart…when she got out of jail. (starts singing) 3 train white lady is my girl, my girl, my girl!

–Downtown 3 Train

Overheard by: Jingles

Little girl in stroller, singing happily: Doe, a deer, a hee-hale deer. Ray, a drop of golden pee-pee…

–E Train

Wednesday One-Liners Will Fuck You Up, Son

Thug: I’m a super duper human being! I’m a super duper human being! I’m a super duper human being!

–Queens-bound F train

Overheard by: sunburned like a bitch

Teen Latino thug to friend: Yo, there be some mad hot wizards up in this bitch! Or should I say, ‘wizard-ettes.’

—Harry Potter screening, Loews, 34th St

Thug: … And he was there, with his cane and beard, lookin’ all Gandalf and shit.

–86th & Lex

Overheard by: Catherine

Teen thug: She is extra violent! She got UV rays!

–W 4th St platform

Overheard by: Emily B.

Thugette leaning against mail truck: Yeah, I’s the post bitch.

–Church St

Wednesday One-Liners Leave a Note

Columbia student on cell: Man, I need Spring Break so bad. I need it more than I needed to mess around with that suicidal chick last weekend.

–W 114th St

Overheard by: arthur digby sellars

Middle-aged lady on cell: Well, does Mom know about this? … That’s not a suicide pact, Dad, it’s a murder-suicide.

–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn

Old suburban lady: Well, maybe I should try killing myself for once!

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Ian

Teen to friend, enthusiastically: Let’s hold hands and skip and tell him to go kill himself!

–Henderson Ave, Staten Island

Overheard by: Green Star

Old guy: Guy is holding up traffic for five hours because he wants to jump off the George Washington Bridge. You wanna kill yourself, take a bottle of pills!

–Chiropracter’s office

Overheard by: sara n.

Undomesticated Wednesday One-Liners

Guy on cell: That? Oh, that’s nothing. It’s just a bunch of angry baboons trapped behind a…

–Columbia University

Overheard by: wish I’d caught that last word

Barnard bimbette, about global warming: So, with the polar bears drowning and all, like, what are people worried about? Because, like, there are polar bears at the Central Park Zoo and stuff…

–Columbia University classroom

Overheard by: yeah, cages are a great alternative

Dude to pal: You want tigers, bro? There’s over five thousand tigers to choose from.

–W 4th & Jones

Male economics professor: I must confess that over time, in my lifetime, I’m a monkey.

–NYU Cantor Center

Overheard by: NYU student

Curly-haired woman: Did I mention that the penguins have returned to my lobby?

–113th St

Overheard by: McFreaky

Student: You know how snakes can swallow their food whole? What if a person swallowed a snake whole, and then the snake turned inside out, and then ate the person from the inside? That would be awesome.

–Stuyvesant High

WASP on cell: I said ‘camels.’ He wants to go to Radio City to pet the camels. Fucking psycho.

–Metro-North

Wednesday One-Liners Make All Stops

Conductor: Welcome to another day on the N train, ladies and gentlemen. If you will look out the window to your right you will see absolutely nothing!

–N train

Conductor on speaker: Kings Highway?! Why’s it gotta be Kings Highway?

–B train, Kings Highway station

Overheard by: I feel his pain

Lady conductor: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, blah blah blah, blah blah blah. If you need to get to 28th Street, 23rd Street, or 18th Street, well, you’re screwed.

–1 train, 34th St

Overheard by: Nettle

Conductor: There’s another train right behind us. There really is. I can see the lights. It could be a bus, but we are in a tunnel underground with tracks running through it, so I’m sure there is another F train behind us.

–F train

Overheard by: I can see the light too

Conductor: Please take small children as you exit the train… Oh… I mean, please take small children by the hand as you leave the train.

–NJ Transit, Penn Station

Cheerful conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, there is no downtown 2 train, but luckily we’re going uptown, so it doesn’t matter.

–2 train

Overheard by: andy kleiman

Conductor: We’re not the NYPD or the FDNY, New York’s finest and bravest. Above or below ground, we’re the MTA, and we move New York. Ya heard?!

–A train, between 125th & 59th St

Wednesday One-Liners Are Probably a Nine… Maybe a Nine and a Half

Preppy chick: She’s lucky that she’s so beautiful that she can have a name like ‘Agnes.’

–12th & Park Ave South

Overheard by: fey

Hipster chick: Hey! I didn’t know it was you — you look so pretty!

–Rockefeller Center

Overheard by: triphere

Man, to no one: The federal government is after the woman. You know why? Because she breeds, dammit! But she’s gonna get old, and I’m not paying child support! If a woman is so beautiful, then why can’t she use the toilet?

–4 train

Woman on cell: That ho said my baby girl was beautiful! I said, ‘I know she beautiful — I made that bitch!’

–Tompkins Square Park

Overheard by: Robbie

Mom to four-year-old daughter: I do not need you telling me I’m not beautiful on the inside!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Kates

Parts Of Wednesday One-Liners Are Really Quite Nice

Irate professional woman on cell: I raced down to Penn Station to buy a ticket to New Jersey, and now you tell me you're going to Hooters?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Erin and Willa

Blonde hipster: I knew I needed to get out of there when I heard her saying, "we should go to that bar next because it's near the PATH!"

–Rivington & Essex

Train conductor: The next stop is Park Place. Transfer is available to the a, c, e and PATH to Newwwwwwwwwww Jersey. I also have wonderful news that I am dying to tell you today. All 2 and 3 trains are making local stops this weekend. There are no express trains because of service changes.

–2 Train

Girl, interrupting singing couple: Guys, we need to class it up, we are not in Jersey anymore!

–5th Ave & 86th

Overheard by: GerMan in NY

Four-year-old boy: I don't wanna go to New Jersey!

–New Jersey Transit Terminal, Penn Station

Hipster: But you were in New Jersey when you got pregnant, it's okay.

–1st & St. Mark's

Ebony & Wednesday One-liners

Black woman: I kept telling him, “You don’t see a black woman from the ghetto every day.” He has to understand.

–51st Street station

Parking attendant: All the white people I know are crooks.

–Parking lot, 46th between 8th and 9th

Overheard by: eristic

Jewish Professor: …for example, we have the white people that vote, and we have the nig…bla…African-Americans that vote…

–NYU classroom

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