Man trying on hat: Hey! Do I look like John Wayne in this hat? Watch out, pilgrim! I'm planting roses!

–Botanical Garden

Girl to friend: I need a twig or a leaf or an herb or somethin'.

–C Train

White guy on cell: It's the goddamn Cherry Blossom Festival… so get your ass out here.

–Outside Brooklyn Botanical Garden

Maintenance worker to another: Oh, come on! It's not working now. Let's try plugging it into the tree.

–42 St & 2nd Ave

Flower vendor: Shut up nigga, I'll slap you! Fresh roses!

–7th Ave & 26th

Overheard by: Todd

Bimbette: So yesterday he called me to tell me that he’s going to beat my ass, and then he calls me today to ask if he can use my CD player.

–Staten Island Mall

Overheard by: Robert

Seven-year-old girl: She better watch herself before I pimp slap her.

–Amsterdam Projects

Girl, to rest of her punk skater group: But I be like: "Bitch, I don’t skate… I just beat bitches with it."

–Astor Place & Broadway

Overheard by: Jynx

Lady on cell: Is someone else going to smack you?

–1 Train

Overheard by: Krisztina

Man on cell: What… You flubbed what? Listen dude, I’m in midtown, but it’s too far a cab ride to come beat a grown man’s ass.

–W Hotel, 49th & Lex

Overheard by: Miami Hitman

Bus driver to angry man: You want a piece of this? There are 26 places on the body that can kill you instantly. I can hit 4 in one shot. You wanna dance?!

–M16 Bus

Overheard by: nora!

Woman: So… After she took the banana, the monkey just up and slapped her! Can you believe that?
Man: What did she do?
Woman: What do you think she did? She slapped that bitch right back!

–JFK Airport

Guy #1: … And then she tried to shank me in the back, and that’s when I had to slap a ho.
Guy #2: Damn, I feel some percolatin’ goin’ on.


Girl #1: So he slapped you with his penis?
Girl #2: Well, yeah — what else does he have?

–2 train

Overheard by: RetroSarcasm

Thug to tourist taking picture: Yeah, bitch, I’m in your picture! I’m in your picture! Put it on MySpace, bitch!

–W 34th & 7th

Overheard by: nisey79

Thug to friend: Nigga, it’s hard to explain… It looked… like a decorated cosine curve!

–110th & Lenox

Overheard by: Curly Ku

Thugette to thug boyfriend: This ain’t Valentine’s Day. You slap me I’ll slap you back!

–Bronx-bound D train

Overheard by: Krissss

Thug to his baby, after carrying her stroller down the subway steps: Woo-hah, I got you all in check.

–6 train station, 59th St

Overheard by: Jackie

Thug: Shit. Jimmy Hoffa’s lucky he don’t gotta pay taxes.

–Brooklyn-bound F train

Overheard by: In debt on the F train

Thug: That thang was so big you could put a whole paragraph on it!

–6 train

Big black man is minding own business when two-year-old child sitting behind him slaps him in the back of the head.

Big black guy turning around, startled: What the fuck?!
Child’s mother: What did I tell you about hitting people?! [Child shrugs his shoulders and looks confused.] I told you we don’t hit people. That’s not nice. Now, what do you say?
Child: Thaaank yooouuu. [Big black guy’s eyes go very wide and he turns back around slowly.]

–N train

Overheard by: Trying not to laugh because that guy was pissed!

Drunk girl: [Singing.]Boyfriend: Can somebody just smack her in the face for me?

–43rd & 3rd

Overheard by: Blaze Boy

Guy #1: She’s so sensitive sometimes, I don’t know how to handle it.
Guy #2: Yeah… Do you ever hit her?
Guy #1: Wait… What? No!
Guy #2: You should.

–5 train

Boy: Yeah, I mean, the only way that I’d be pissed is if you stabbed me…

–Butler Library, Columbia University

Dude: He threw a bagel at me — knocked me the fuck out!

–15th St & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael Pantozzi

Guidance counselor mediating a conflict between a flock of tween girls: Okay, Yamira* can still go on the field trip, because she told the truth about punching Janalin* in the face.

–PS 8, Washington Heights

Little boy: Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother in stroller.] Smack that, lalalala! [Smacks brother again.] Smack that! Lalalala!


Overheard by: amused sales associate

Guy on cell: Yeah, after that hug I wanted to punch her.

–Walgreens, Union Square