Are You Afraid of Wednesday One-Liners?

FDNY lieutenant to EMTs: Hey, get this! Some guy just called 911 because some guy looked scary!

–34th & 10th

Overheard by: guy in back of ambulance

Gay guy to another: I'm terrified of successful women!

–23rd & Park Ave

Overheard by: Moy

(guy with drums finishes a performance in the train)
Guy with drums: Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for listening. Help a brother out and donate some money if you enjoyed this performance. (lady in front of him looks scared)
Please donate and if you don't know what to do or are scared, smile and nod. Everything will be okay.

–E Train

Overheard by: Sleepy

Crazy bag lady to high school boy: I ain't scared of you. I'll beat you with a crowbar. Cuz I gotta crowbar in my pussy and it's way up there!

–B54 Bus

Suit on cell: And I was scared, right? Because her legs were open in the cemetery.

–Gramercy Park

Posted on December 23, 2014
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Body Parts, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Crazy, Death, Fears, Firemen, Gender issues, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Music, Musicians, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Panhandling, Queer guys, Sexuality, Stupidity, Suits, Threats, Weirdness

Further Knowledge Is Now Unwelcome

Girl #1: Did you know that if you lick the wrapper of Big Red it'll stick to your forehead?
Girl #2: I learned about pineapple yesterday.

–Theater

Posted on December 18, 2014
Body Parts, Drinks, Fruit, Girls, Questions, Theater

All Hitler Really Wanted at Munich

Crazy guy: Somebody needs to give me the right hand! No one is ever willing to give me the right hand. Why won’t anyone give me a right hand?
Timid guy, sitting across from him: [raises his right hand]Crazy guy: Thank you.

–1 train

Overheard by: Only had the left hand

Posted on December 17, 2014
Body Parts, Crazies, On the Subway

“I'm Having a Wednesday One-Liner– And It's Yours!”

Man in floor-length green dress to passersby: How do you know if you're having a baby? It's by the way you lift your legs!

–8th & 34th

Guy to girlfriend: Just make sure you tell me if you're on antibiotics. I already got like three babies that way.

–Battery Park

Overheard by: It's how I got mine

Large black man: She was poppin' those babies out like an Easy-Bake Oven!

–Coney Island Broadwalk

Hobo woman yelling at random pregnant woman: I told you be careful with that belly! That baby's gonna die! It gonna die!

–Broadway & Liberty

Overheard by: CG

Man talking animatedly on cell: Yeah! Don't be surprised if the baby comes out with a hairy red ass!

–Spring Street, SoHo

Middle aged woman: Your baby wouldn't stop crying, so I put my tit in his mouth.

–W 12th & W 4th

Overheard by: michael diamond

Posted on December 16, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Babies, Battery Park, Black People, Body Parts, Boyfriends, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Colors, Compare/Contrast, Coney Island, Crying, Death, Fears, Guys, Hair, Health and Hygiene, Hobos, Men, Nipples, Offers and requests, On Cell, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Questions, Soho, The Village, Weirdness, West Village, Women, Words

Do Wednesday One-Liners Amuse You? Do They Exist to Make You Laugh?

Professor: Fat people are often funny.

–Baruch College

Girl to friend: When she OD'ed on him, it was so funny!

–Riverdale

Overheard by: Caitlin

Ditzy-looking middle aged woman on cell: The funniest thing today with the kids! They slammed me to the door and one of them bit my arm and I drew blood! (pauses) Yeah, I know, I'm going back tomorrow!

–F Train

Girl: So, like my friend thought it would be funny to jump in a pool that didn't have water in it.

–8th St & Broadway

Brooklyn artist: After four or five organic vodka tonics, all the ironic hairstyles in the bar start to actually be funny.

–Williamsburg

Posted on December 16, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Artists, Blood & bleeding, Body Parts, College, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Friends, Girls, Hair, Hard Drugs, Laughter, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, The Bronx, The Village, Violence, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Williamsburg, Women

Wait. Who Drives in New York?

Woman: I just felt it when I ran it over.
Coworker: Wait. An arm?
Woman: Yeah… I think maybe I moved into the wrong neighborhood.
Coworker: You ran over an arm?
Woman: Yup. It was severed just above the elbow.

–Office building elevator, 770 Broadway

Posted on December 14, 2014
9 to 5-ers, Body Parts, Elevators

And a College Boy Would Never Put That in an Inappropriate Place

Guy #1: Yeah, so I'm going back to the doctor to get the rash checked out. They think I might be allergic to my girlfriend's…
Guy #2, interrupting: Oh god, I don't want to know.
Guy #1: Skin lotion!
Guy #2: Oh.
Guy #1: Dude, what did you think I was about to say? It's on my hand.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: I wasn't thinking it.

Posted on December 10, 2014
Body Parts, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Penis, Vagina, Wishes & desires

Where Pentecostal Preachers Come From

Seven-year-old girl pointing at a spinal column in glass case: What’s that?
10-year-old brother: It’s a snake.
Seven-year-old girl: No way… No, it’s not…
10-year-old brother: Yes, it is. It lives inside you. If you make it mad, it eats your brain.

–Bodies exhibit, South St Seaport

Overheard by: snakebite

Posted on December 8, 2014
Animals & Nature, Body Parts, Kids, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

Wednesday One-liners Up the Wazoo

Queer: It was, like, 8:30 in the morning and my colon called and said it needed a filling.

–Christopher Street Pier

Overheard by: Fourth Axiom

Posted on December 2, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Body Parts, One-liners, Players, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Sexuality, West Village

Body Parts