4 Out of 5 Dentists Prefer Wednesday One-Liners

Sleazy guy: I love going to my dentist, the new one. The hygienist holds my hand while they’re giving me a shot. She talks to me. She pets me like a chinchilla. It’s fantastic.

–Elevator, 360 Park Avenue South

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Old man with pet lizard: Thirty-four years ago we got married. She had dental coverage. It’s very easy to find a girl with medical coverage… Dental, not so easy.

–77th St & 37th Ave, Jackson Heights

Overheard by: Gail Montemayor

Blonde tween: they usually take out 2 teeth before they put on the braces. They took 4 of mine. It felt great! I wanted ’em to take all of mine and be all gums.

–D Train

Overheard by: Going to keep those wisdom teeth a bit longer

Girl on cell: So I was able to brush my teeth without feeling like I was going to puke.

–77th and 2nd

Cleaning woman on cell phone: She is a butterface. You know, everything’s lookin’ good but her face. Her body is nice, but she has some ugly-ass, skanky ass face. I told her she ain’t gonna get no man without any teeth in her face. I told her she’s gotta get some nice grilles put all up in there.

–Atlantic Mall

Overheard by: jsillyfun

Ghetto girl spouting knowledge to friend: Sometimes, you just gotta bite your teeth, and turn the other head…

–4 train

Guy on acid: I can’t get the taste of teeth out of my mouth!

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on April 9, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Beauty, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Druggies, Elevators, Ghetto Chicks, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Malls, Marriage, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Straight Trippin', Teeth, Tweens, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vomit, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

I Mean, It Tasted Udderly Disgusting!

Asian girl: O-M-G, did you try the bull’s penis?! Was it big?!
Asian guy #1: Yeah, it was pretty nasty.
Asian girl, pointing to Asian guy #2: Oooh, he tried the cow’s tongue!
Asian guy #2: Uh, can we not talk about that?

–Famous Pizza, Kisseria Blvd, Flushing, Queens

Overheard by: Sajel

Headline by: KatieNB

Runners-Up:
· “Everybody Knows All the Best Asian Sex Clubs Are in Queens” – PeterG
· “Eww, He Ate the Tongue That Licked the Bull Penis That I Ate! That’s Like Hooking Up Indirectly.” – Whoscawatziz
· “Fear Factor Here = Food Network Over There” – Jimmy
· “One’s a Lifestyle Choice, the Other’s Just Sick” – Gerald Lanning
· “Penis, It’s What’s For Dinner!” – DR G LUV

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on April 7, 2008
Animals & Nature, Asians, Body Parts, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Headline Contest Winners, Penis, Queens, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes

I’ll Settle this. Did it Bounce Off, or Vanish?

Umpire: Foul ball. It hit her in the box.
Teammate of batter: No it didn’t, it hit her in the stomach.

–Riverside Park

Overheard by: Ramrod

Posted on April 1, 2008
Accidents, Athletes, Body Parts, Default, Parks, Sports, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Until Uncle Walter Showed Me.

Girl #1: So, I watched that movie Thirteen the other night. It was awesome.
Girl #2: Yeah, that was a really good movie. The girls in that movie were so mature for 13-year-olds. When I was 13, I didn’t even know what an ovary was!

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Posted on March 28, 2008
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Whole Foods

Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!

–Times Square

Overheard by: biting my tongue

Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.

–Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!

–125th St

Overheard by: Kerry & Bob

Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish

Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.

–55th & Park

Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Mondo Man

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Government, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Paranoia, Questions, Street, Suits, Time, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

Finishing Off a Big Scoop of Ben & Jerry’s “Bi-Curious”

Man: It just got to the point that if I took another bite, it would explode all over me, so I shoved the whole thing in my mouth. [Woman eating ice cream cone snickers.]

–Central Park

Posted on March 25, 2008
Body Parts, Central Park, Default, Food, Men, Threats

There’s a Lot of Competition to Be Liza’s New Understudy

Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!

–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn

Posted on March 22, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Men, Questions, Store, Women

After Many Rigorous Hours of Research, They Would Conclude He’s a Dude without a Belly Button

Girl #1: I wanna see that show Kyle XY, because he doesn’t have a belly button. I wanna know what he is.
Girl #2: Maybe he’s a sperm.

–96th & Riverside

Overheard by: ovaries

Posted on March 18, 2008
Body Parts, Cum, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Upper East Side

A Resounding Chorus of Wednesday One-Liners

Three-year-old: Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend!

–60th & 5th

Overheard by: Rich

Hobo singing to self: Pussy’s like a lickety split, but if you miss, you wind up in a world of shit.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Blind weelbo: Amaaazing grace, how sweet the sound… I once was blind aaand I still am…

–F train

Overheard by: Sara

Large thug, singing in falsetto: I will looove agaaain, even if it takes a lifetime to get ooover youuu…

–Milano Market, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Talentless busker, singing: All my loving, I will send to you… All my loving, darling, I’ll be true [tries to whistle instrumental break, and fails]. My lip! There’s something wrong with my lip!

–63rd & Lex Ave station

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Dating, Default, Gripes, Handicaps, Hobos, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Musicians, On the Subway, Retards & Handicaps, Staten Island Ferry, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wheelbos

Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Ass, Body Parts, Central Park, Compliments, Couples, Default, Diet/Weight, Fashion, Fat People, Gripes, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Moms, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Body Parts