Three-Piece Wednesday One-Liners

Suit on cell: Yeah, man, I’m so jealous. I mean, my holes have been full for years!

–Times Square

Overheard by: biting my tongue

Suit: I just met you. I can call you an asshole.

–Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sean McGurr

Suit: Are you listening to me?! The Projects are not natural!

–125th St

Overheard by: Kerry & Bob

Suit: … So then I grabbed the vise-grips and got him by the lips…

–59th & Lex

Overheard by: I really hope he was talking about a fish

Suit on cell: … So he was going to build this underground tunnel to the road from his house. Like, an escape tunnel thing. No, he sold the street-legal side and handles the government contracting. Well, he couldn’t get the zoning for a tunnel, so he’s building a retractable bridge.

–55th & Park

Suit: I hate getting buzzed in the afternoon. It makes me feel like a craven bastard.

–Liberty & Broadway

Overheard by: Mondo Man

Posted on March 26, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Etiquette, Government, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, On Cell, Paranoia, Questions, Street, Suits, Time, Times Square, Tourist Attractions, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Violence, Weirdness

Finishing Off a Big Scoop of Ben & Jerry’s “Bi-Curious”

Man: It just got to the point that if I took another bite, it would explode all over me, so I shoved the whole thing in my mouth. [Woman eating ice cream cone snickers.]

–Central Park

Posted on March 25, 2008
Body Parts, Central Park, Default, Food, Men, Threats

There’s a Lot of Competition to Be Liza’s New Understudy

Man: How’s this?
Woman: Like that, but way more sequins. It’s got to catch the eye!

–Kohl’s, Bay Parkway, Brooklyn

Posted on March 22, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Default, Men, Questions, Store, Women

After Many Rigorous Hours of Research, They Would Conclude He’s a Dude without a Belly Button

Girl #1: I wanna see that show Kyle XY, because he doesn’t have a belly button. I wanna know what he is.
Girl #2: Maybe he’s a sperm.

–96th & Riverside

Overheard by: ovaries

Posted on March 18, 2008
Body Parts, Cum, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Girls, Upper East Side

A Resounding Chorus of Wednesday One-Liners

Three-year-old: Hey, hey, you, you, I don’t like your girlfriend!

–60th & 5th

Overheard by: Rich

Hobo singing to self: Pussy’s like a lickety split, but if you miss, you wind up in a world of shit.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Blind weelbo: Amaaazing grace, how sweet the sound… I once was blind aaand I still am…

–F train

Overheard by: Sara

Large thug, singing in falsetto: I will looove agaaain, even if it takes a lifetime to get ooover youuu…

–Milano Market, 113th & Broadway

Overheard by: Ladle

Talentless busker, singing: All my loving, I will send to you… All my loving, darling, I’ll be true [tries to whistle instrumental break, and fails]. My lip! There’s something wrong with my lip!

–63rd & Lex Ave station

Overheard by: Aloof Loner

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Body Parts, Dating, Default, Gripes, Handicaps, Hobos, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, Musicians, On the Subway, Retards & Handicaps, Staten Island Ferry, Thugs, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vagina, Wheelbos

Larger, Lovelier Wednesday One-Liners

Fat lady elbowing her way onto train: Shit, they need to get some bigger subway cars.

–6 train, 28th St

Wife to hubby, after daughter got up from table: She still has a big ass and thighs, but she’s getting better.

–City Bakery, W 18th St

Overheard by: katherine

Man holding huge burger in small bun: Dude! This is like a fat man in spandex!

–Upper West Side

Blonde rubbing grouchy guy’s head: I’m sorry, baby, but you know how I get around fat people, and those two women were huge! Just disgusting!

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Ryan

Hobo: Anyone have a dollar? Anyone? I’m askin’ because all you ladies are beautiful. I don’t bother with ugly people or fat people! They just have problems. Their wife is cheating on them? It’s my fault! No, I just walk on by all those fat people.

–Brooklyn-bound L train

Overheard by: Colleen

Mom to six-year-old son: Junk food is crap. If you eat it, you will be fat. Like Mommy.

–Central Park

Posted on March 12, 2008
Advice, Ass, Body Parts, Central Park, Compliments, Couples, Default, Diet/Weight, Fashion, Fat People, Gripes, Hobos, Junk Food & Fast Food, Men, Moms, On the Subway, Panhandling, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women

Wednesday One-Liners: More Than Just a Hippie Musical

Thug to friends: Yo, it’s not like I’m gay! Just… the kid had some nice hair!

–Ave M, Q train stop

Overheard by: LoRna

Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son… That shit is phat!

–Southern Blvd, Bronx

Overheard by: E.J.

Seven-year-old blonde to friend: … And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!

–Washington Square West

Overheard by: SELENA

Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn’t have any hair, so he better be good-looking.

–13th & 6th

Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McFreaky

Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We’d like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we’ve got a sista in Harlem waitin’ to do her hair.

–R train

Overheard by: Marisa

Posted on March 12, 2008
Asians, Body Parts, Boys, Columbia (& Barnard), Compliments, Default, Girls, Gripes, Hair, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, Politics, Psychology, Sexuality, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Teens, The Bronx, Thugs, Washington Square Park, West Village

Unfortunately, Neither of Them Had a Tap

Hobo #1, rubbing another’s belly: Hey, man, what ya got in there?
Hobo #2: Beer.

–Canal & Broadway

Overheard by: Stonned def

Posted on March 11, 2008
Body Parts, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Hobos, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

He Should Get a New Doctor So He Can Ask the Old Doctor Out

Teen guy #1: When you get a physical, it’s normal to get a thumb up your ass, right?
Teen guy #2: Are you serious?
Teen guy #1: Why?
Teen guy #2: No, dude. That’s fucked.
Teen guy #1: Yeah… Time for a new doctor.

–51st & 2nd

Overheard by: Your mom

Posted on March 10, 2008
Ass, Body Parts, Default, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Stupidity, Teens

Body Parts