Wednesday One-Liners Will Slap You Like a Red-Headed Stepchild

Woman on cell: Shut up! Shut up! I'm going to punch you in the face! I love you.

–A Bus

Spanish chick: Two things can't happen tonight. One, I can't get in a fight tonight. Two, I can't see nobody I don't like.

–5th Ave & 11th St, Park Slope

Overheard by: Matthew K. Johnson

Homeless, burnt-out surfer lady: Then I looked up, and this cunt is about to hit me like a man!

–139th & Broadway

Overheard by: Jesse Cromer

Guy to girl: The next time your parents chuckle at my misfortunes, I'm gonna kick 'em in the nuts. I'm gonna kill 'em!

–20th St & 5th Ave, Brooklyn

Jamaican conductor over PA: Don't move between cars while the train is in motion. I don't want to have to knock you the fuck out.

–1 Train

Overheard by: Got Knocked Out

Posted on October 22, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Brooklyn, Bus, Couples, Family Ties, Fighting and ass kicking, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Kick, Love, Murder, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Public Transportation, Punch, Subway conductors, Threats, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

No, Two More Hostages

Male passenger: Man, come on, move the bus! There’s a fucking war in Iraq, and I have to take two more buses! There’s a war in Iraq, and I have to take two more buses!
Female passenger: What, to get there?

–Q76 bus

Overheard by: Samn

Posted on January 20, 2007
Bus, Iraq, On the Bus, Straight Trippin', Strangers, Travel

Wednesday One-Liners Thought Felicity Huffman Deserved that Oscar

Skater kid: What’s the point of being gay if you like girls who dress like boys?

–42nd St, between 7th & 8th Ave

Lady on phone: Yeah, she was working at a factory, but she was passing as a man… Well, she didn’t last a week at the factory.

–Bus in Lincoln Tunnel

TA: We live in a two-gender system of society. There’s no green ‘It’s a hermaphrodite!’ balloon to put out on your front lawn.

–NYU Silver Center

Overheard by: Limey

Chick: I mean, I feel frumpy here. For real. I’m sick of being like, ‘That guy is skinnier than me, has on nicer jeans, and has better makeup.’

–26th St

Overheard by: agrees with that girl

College student on cell: Great, I’ll see you soon. Can I be dressed as a woman?

–114th & Broadway

Mom to very young son: Some things are for boys, and some things are for girls. It was cute when you were little, but now it’s time to differentiate.

–Target, Atlantic Ave, Brooklyn

Posted on January 3, 2007
13 Bar, Advice, Age/Aging, Airports, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Anger Management, Animals & Nature, Astoria, Barbershop, Bars & Clubs, Bodegas, Bowery Ballroom, Buildings, Bus, CBGB, Classroom, Cruise Ship, Dean & Deluca, Delis, Duane Reade, Elevators, Empire State Building, Grand Central, Grocery Stores, Ground Zero, Gyms, Hospitals, Hot dog stands, Hotels, JFK Airport, LaGuardia Airport, Laundromat, Long Island City, Madison Square Garden, Movie Theaters, Museums, Office, On the Bus, On the Subway, Parades & Festitivites, Parks, Penn Station, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, School, Shea Stadium, Stall Spies, Starbucks, Staten Island, Staten Island Ferry, Store, Street, Stuyvesant Town, Subway Stations, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Tattoo Parlor, Taxis, The Bronx, The Hamptons, Topics, Tourist Attractions, Train Station, Trains Not Subway, Venues, Whole Foods, Yankee Stadium

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Make Change

Greyhound driver, on rest stop time limits: I’m not supposed to lose people along the way… but I do.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Lost

Bus driver: I’m movin’, I’m movin’! Jesus, all these people are in a hurry to go nowhere. They’re just going to go home and watch TV! That’s all New Yorkers do, is go home and watch TV!

–Gray Line downtown loop bus

Overheard by: keri

Bus driver: If your child is over 36 inches tall, you must pay full fare for him. If you are more than 30 years old, live with your parents, and don’t pay rent, you must pay for everyone else on the bus. Next stop: Brooklyn Hospital.

–B38 bus

Overheard by: Nathan

Bus driver: If it weren’t for bad luck, I wouldn’t have no luck at all.

–M31 bus

Overheard by: Suze V.

Commuter bus driver: Attention riders: we are now arriving at Port Authority. To the students who ride this bus, you must show your ID. If you do not want to, that is no problem — find another way into New York City. Everyone, please gather your belongings, and have a nice day.

–Port Authority

Bus driver: This is the bus to Long Island Jewish Hospital. That will be the last stop. We aren’t there yet. For those of you who are going there, sit back and relax and I’ll alert you when we’ve reached the pearly gates of Long Island Jewish.

–Q46 bus

Overheard by: SuziQ

Bus driver: Good morning, everyone. Today’s my first day… my first day, y’all! And guess what happens in eleven years? I will retire. That’s right: retire. There’s all the big guys meeting at the UN this morning, so traffic’s crazy. Please, folks, be nice to me. I’m just drivin’ my bus. Is anyone late for work? Well, I sure am twenty minutes late with my bus. Ah, one person late. Come on up here and I’ll get you a cab… I said get you a cab, not pay for one!

–M4 bus

Posted on November 22, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus, Bus Drivers, Public Transportation, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Enter a Persistent Vegetative State

Hipster on cell: Yo, eggplant can be vegetarian, right?

–77th between 2nd & 3rd

Overheard by: Anonymous Ambivore

Middle-Aged woman: Damn vegetarians, always trying to take over the world.

–Starbucks, 51st & Broadway

Overheard by: Emaline

Girl: Are bums allowed to be vegetarian?

–Chipotle, 6th Ave between 21st & 22nd

Overheard by: Rabid-Panda

Guy: She’s vegetarian?! I thought she was an alcoholic?

–B7 bus

Shrewd observer: You’ve had way too much cock in your mouth to be vegan.

–Outside The Lucky Cat, 245 Grand St, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Constintina

Shoeshine man to group of young people: It ain’t natural. Our bodies, they have the hormones to digest meat. If we were like a goat–and not to insult you, miss, ’cause you’re prettier than a goat–but then that’s okay that we don’t eat meat. But we ain’t. We’re carnivores. If you’re a vegetarian, you gotta listen to your body. It’s tellin’ you: “Meat me!” You know, like, “Meat me!”

–Washington Square Park

Overheard by: jacqmander

Posted on August 23, 2006
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bus, Diet/Weight, Food, Girls, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Vegetarian & Vegan, Williamsburg, Women

The Wheels on the Wednesday-One Liners Go Round and Round

Bus driver: Attention, ladies and gentlemen, I have an idea: the next stop is going to be Las Vegas! Vegas, y’all! Get out those cell phones and start calling your husbands and wives. Tell ’em you won’t be home tonight. Vegas!

–M103 bus

Overheard by: Tina

Bus driver: Everyone, please move to the back of the bus…Come on, people. I’m speaking English here. Move to the back of the bus so these people can get on. There’s nothing wrong with the back of the bus. It’s not scary. There are no monsters back there. You won’t get hurt. So please move back.

–Q12 bus, Main Street, Flushing

Overheard by: Jo

Bus driver: This is Westchester Ave. Here you can transfer to the 9 and the…uh…I don’t even remember. Hey, you back there! You look like Charles Bronson! You ever heard that?…Whateva. You know you look like Charles Bronson. And the world needs another Charles Bronson.

–Bx40 bus, E Tremont Ave

Overheard by: vegannramember

Posted on August 16, 2006
Bus, Bus Drivers, Cars and Driving, Cell Phone, Crazies, Fears, Languages, On the Bus, Public Transportation, Travel

Bus