Wednesday One-Liners by Dan Brown

Loud bar patron, reading new item on menu: Anybody know what artisan cheese is? Anybody at all? (mutters) Shit man, this is Astoria, we don't know no artisan cheese.

–Astoria

Overheard by: Jesse

Guy: He said "when you cum yourself." I looked at him and said "that is not how you say that."

–Hunter College

Overheard by: Jill

Girl to friend: So, you see, I was right! It's spelled w-h-e-r-e!

–McDonald's

Guy: And stop trying to rhyme words with other words.

–16th St & 8th Ave

Guy to girl: I am really into words, especially long ones. I love them, and like, collect them. There is a word for people like that, but it's pretty long, so I can't remember it.

–Q Train

Overheard by: Eavesdropper

Lady: He doesn't speak English good, so he gots deported.

–Park Slope

Posted on September 9, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Bosses, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crime and Punishment, Cum, Food, Friends, Girls, Guys, Hunter, Languages, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

Are You Saying They Should Have Bigger Things to Worry About?

White teen bimbo #1: I can't believe I got that parking ticket! Police have nothing better to do.
White teen bimbo #2, totally serious: Yeah, I mean… they still don't know who killed biggie, but they have time to give parking tickets? That's fucking ridiculous.

–72nd & Columbus

Overheard by: soyloaf

Posted on August 25, 2009
Bimbettes, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Insults, Murder, Stupidity, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, White People

…And I Wouldn't Have Thought “G-String” Was a Musical Term

Oblivious teenage girl: Are strip cubs illegal?
Less oblivious friend: Um, no. Why would you think that?
Oblivious teenage girl: Cuz while I was going out with Matt he said something about a strip club getting busted.
Less oblivious friend: You went out with Matt? You slut!
Oblivious teenage girl: No, if I was a slut I would have known whether strip clubs are illegal or not.

–Central Park

Posted on August 6, 2009
Central Park, Crime and Punishment, Dating, Friends, Insults, Parks, Questions, Strippers, Teens

Unless It's Your Gay Cousin

Round white lady: Once with my cousin, Ned.
Stringy-haired white lady: Well, we don't count cousins in my home town.
Round white lady: So what if your uncle is your cousin?
Stringy-haired white lady: I suppose ain't no laws in West Virginia 'gainst that, neither.

–A Train

Overheard by: Raven L.

Posted on August 3, 2009
Crime and Punishment, Family Ties, On the Subway, Questions, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Make Partner

Crying woman in pink bathrobe and wet hair, as she chases pimp-looking male: I'm taking them to court. I'm taking those motherfuckers to court! I'm calling 1-800-lawyers!

–14th & 8th

Overheard by: Rebecca Meyers

Attractive female law student on cell: Whatever, he can feed me dinner. I know it's "unethical" or whatever…

–11th St & 5th Ave

Blonde Columbia Education School girl to friend: Isn't this supposed to be a graduate school mixer? Why aren't there any law school guys coming up to me?

–Havana Central, near Columbia University

Overheard by: I <3 Gold Diggers Subway hobo: Yeah, thats right. (yelling) I'm gonna be the best judge this town has ever seen!

–6 Train

Overheard by: watching&waiting

Six-year-old girl walking up some wet slippery steps: If I slip, I'm gonna sue.

–33rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Em

Posted on July 29, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Columbia University, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Crying, Food, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Hobos, Insults, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Sorority Girls, Street, Students, Stupidity, The Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women, Words

“You Have the Right to Remain Wednesday One-Liner”

Cop to another, about uniform and belt: I can't run in this thing.

–Havemeyer & 2nd, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Sandy Riverside

Random guy, watching 300-pound gangster being arrested: He was throwing the police around like pancakes!

–14th & 7th

Overheard by: Alex

Guy with garbage bag of purses on St. Patrick's Day: Leprechaun stole my pot o' gold and left me these damn bags! Who wants to buy some stolen shit while the cops are drinking?

–46th St b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: Madeline

Police officer to another: He knew I was on the force, and that nigga still gave me a ticket for speeding!

–1 Train

Female train conductor: Nigga, I hate them undercover cops! Always holding the doors! You can never be sure if they cops or if they just guys with gats!

–1 Train

Posted on July 22, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Cops, Crime and Punishment, Diet/Weight, Drinking & Drunk People, Fighting and ass kicking, Gripes, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Public Transportation, Street, Subway conductors, The Village, Thievery, Wednesday One-Liners, Williamsburg

Um, I Meant with the Stock Market.

Suit #1: Hey, did you hear about what happened yesterday?
Suit #2: Yeah, I did, and the amazing part is that female sex offenders exist–that's crazy!

–City Hall Park

Overheard by: Amused Onlooker

Posted on July 10, 2009
Crime and Punishment, Parks, Questions, Rumor Has It, Sex, Suits, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

I'm Not Letting the Baby Take the Fall for Us Again

Wife with baby in stroller: Watch the coke! Don't spill.
Husband: Are you going to keep saying that out loud until we get arrested?

–SoHo

Posted on July 9, 2009
Babies, Cocaine, Couples, Crime and Punishment, Families, Parents, Questions, Soho

Wednesday One-Lineups

Girl: I feel like she's really good at illegal stuff.

–34th & 9th

Overheard by: hellothere

Haggard-looking woman, screaming into cell: What? Now you're gettin' locked up and I am going to fucking prison now! Perfect! (sprints out of store)

–King Kullen, Staten Island

Preteen to another: So when you get arrested and your mom asks you where you were, you weren't with me.

–1st Ave & 16th

Overheard by: Wes Mantooth

Female teen to another: Yeah, that's what my dad got arrested for, too.

–Central Park

Teen boy on cell: I get a lot of shit from authority figures. Especially when I'm getting arrested.

–Carroll Gardens, Brooklyn

Overheard by: The Man(dy)

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Crime and Punishment, Girls, Insults, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Prison, Psychology, Staten Island, Store, Street, Teens, Tweens, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Have the Reich Stuff

Fat guy in telephone booth: Yeah, well, Hitler invented the Volkswagen bus.

–7th Ave & Waverly

Overheard by: Mark Martin

Woman in alpine hat to another: I was not about to drag your half-conscious ass around a concentration camp!

–Zum Schneider German Restaurant/Bar

Overheard by: Nella

Guy: Jury duty is like the Holocaust. They put you in line and march you into a strange room.

–Off The Wagon Restaurant

Overheard by: thankfully not jewish

Teen boy: Yeah, after I watched that movie I couldn't talk to German people at all. For like a month afterwards, every time I saw a person who looked German I was like, "you evil, evil Nazi!"

–Bull Statue, Bowling Green

Little boy to friends: And next year, we're going to assassinate Hitler!

–66th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Liz

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Cars and Driving, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Fat People, Foreigners, Friends, Glad the Condom Broke, Guys, Hitler/Nazis, Kids, Movies, Murder, One-liners, Parks, Physical appearance, Restaurants & Cafes, Street, Stupidity, Teens, The Village, Time, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Crime and Punishment