Family Ties

Now, Less Than Ever

Salesguy: Would you ladies like to come in? Can I help you find anything?
Chick #1: Oh, no thanks.
Chick #2: The perfume's too much for us.
Salesguy: You could hold your noses.
Chick #2: Uh, I think we'd pass out eventually.
Chick #1: Yeah, you don't want that. Ambulances are bad for business.
Salesguy: I've always wanted to ride in the back of an ambulance!
Chick #2: Um…
Chick #1: Actually, it's a bit of a role reversal. We're waiting for my husband to finish shopping.
Salesguy: Oh, which one is your husband?
Chick #1: He's right there.
Salesguy: The one with the ponytail? Looks like a vampire? Hot.
Chick #1: Uh, yes, that's him.
Salesguy: Boy, you're one lucky lady.
Chick #1: I know. Thanks.
Salesguy: Hey, does he have a brother?
Chick #1: Yes.
Salesguy: Just kidding. Does he have a sister?
Chick #1: No.
Salesguy: Oh. Well, I was still kidding. You sure you don't want to come in?

–Outside The Body Shop, 76th & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

“No; I’m more well hung than he is.”

College Professor: Do you have any brothers or sisters?
Female Student: I have one sister and a twin brother.
College Professor: Are you identical?

–American Musical & Dramatic Academy, UWS

The United One-Liners Of Wednesday

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

“You’re Not 40 Anymore!” She’ll Scream

Cashier: In 20 minutes I can go home… Go home and play some video games.
Middle-aged lady customer: Yay!
Cashier: Either that or drink.
Middle-aged lady customer: Why not both?
Cashier: Well, then my mom will yell at me in the morning.

–Douglaston Waldbaum’s, Queens

Overheard by: Teen Girl #1

NYPD Booked Them Posthumously

Tourist father to family, crossing mid-block: Okay, this is our first jaywalk!
Little kid: I'm so excited!

–45th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Linda Stein

But I Was Once in an Elevator with the Original Becky from Roseanne

Chick: Oh yeah, my grandmother was a prisoner in Auschwitz with Elie Wiesel.
Dude: That’s ballin’

–Brooklyn F Train

He Won't Even Use Old Ones to Line His Bird's Cage

Wanna-be preppy: Hey! Is that the newspaper?
Slacker: Yeah.
Wanna-be preppy: Let's have a look at it.
(slacker throws paper into locker and locks locker)
Wanna-be preppy: Aw, why did you do that?
Slacker: I can't let you see it. It's not mine.
Wanna-be preppy: Whose is it?
Slacker: My girlfriend's brother. He's really sensitive…
Wanna-be preppy: Really sensitive about the newspaper?

–Midtown

Overheard by: Kane

If My Son Beat Me at Katamari Damacy, I’d Take His Games Away, Too

Little boy: My daddy took my games away.
Mother: Why? Were you being bad?
Little boy: NO! Daddy was being bad; I had to kick his ass!

–A train

Overheard by: Gen

We're Jewish, Dad

Son having tantrum: I don't want to go to the park! (throws his coat on the ground)
Father: Did you just take your coat off? I'm going to tell the Virgin Mary you're not wearing your coat, and then you know it will get back to Santa!

–Prospect Park

Overheard by: canvasser

…As I Will Explain on All My College Applications.

Blonde seventh grader, about Holocaust: Yeah, like, I'm Jewish on my mom's side, you're Asian. So, basically everyone in our class would have died from the Nazis.
Asian seventh grader, to other friend: Except for Laura.
Laura: What? Why?
Asian seventh grader: Because you're white.
Laura: I'm not white! I'm like… Pinkish or something.

–93rd St & Amsterdam

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