Hotels

Wednesday One-Drink-Minimum Liners

Man arguing with woman: I was single and drunk and shit happened.

–3rd Ave & 13th St

Man to woman: If I wasn't so diabetic I wouldn't have got so drunk.

–14th St & Ave A

Overheard by: S

Enthusiastic 30-something woman: This is a fine time for me to start drinking again!

–Blue Bar, Algonquin Hotel

Overheard by: Terry

Girl to friends: I don't think I'm a whore. It just enhances what you would normally do with less judgment.

–Astoria

Overheard by: The Princess og Fancy

Excited girl: I haven't drunk since the last time we drank!

–1st Ave & 7th St

Overheard by: Erin

I Hear Death Is Very Slimming.

Thin, younger sister: What's with all the magazine ads?
Slightly overweight, older sister: It's thinspiration.
Thin, younger sister: I will kill you.

–Lobby, Hampton Inn

Wednesday One-Liners' Meters Are Running

Girl to boy: You're just upset that I kicked you out without shoes, and I didn't give you cab fare.

–Black Bear Lodge, 3rd Ave

Guy, after cab splashed water on him: That cab just jizzed on me!

–Broadway & Eagerly

Waspy queer on cell: No, no, take the subway. Just for the experience. Don't take a cab. Cabs are for spoiled people.

–M23 bus

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Girl, yelling into window of off-duty taxi: Fine! We're waiting for the cash cab anyway!

–3rd & Sullivan

Overheard by: Heather

Wow, Am I Wearing the Wrong Shoes

Girl #1: It's gonna snow. It'll be fun.
Girl #2: Yeah. (sighs) Wait, you mean “blow,” right?
Girl #1: Uh, no. I mean “snow.”

–Ba, Hudson Hotel, 58th & 8th

Winesday One-Liners

Mom on cell: So, she's a drunkard and you're taking her to a wine tasting?

–Park Ave

Overheard by: bad idea

Snooty hipster to girlfriend: This event is missing two things. One is wine and the other is cheese.

–Book Signing, Cobble Hill

Man to woman, looking at a wine list: Sure it's good wine. Brandon buys it by the case and takes it fishing.

–W Hotel Restaurant

Overheard by: Bob Leblaw

Crazy MTA employee lady: If you step over the line you will get a fine! And will not be able to dine on all that boxed wine! The fine, it will not be divine! And then you will whine. So don't step over the yellow line!

–4 Train

Overheard by: also stepped over the line

An Inconvenient Wednesday One-Liner

Mother to small child: Well, the weather's nice today, so it's a good afternoon to go to the park, play on the playground, go on the swings, or attack daddy. (pause) Or…you know, whatever else you feel like doing.

–Gramercy

Overheard by: Max

Fancy woman waking out of building, on cell, during snow squall: It's either snow or debris. I can't tell.

–Grand Army Plaza

Overheard by: snow. trust me.

Five-year-old girl: It's snowing way too much in Columbus Circle! Fuck! I am going to file a complaint!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: queenofscots

Older hot guy: It's as cold as a drunken French whore in the old Bastille days!

–W 4th St

Woman to neighbor: Hey, girl, do you see this snow? It's the end of the world!
(pause) Have a great day!

–140th St & Amsterdam

A Shitload Of Wednesday One-Liners

Eight-year-old Russian boy, in Martin Luther King voice: I had a dream, that one day…I pooped. (giggles)

–Q Ttrain

Overheard by: Robert G.

Drunk bro on phone: I know I'm not the guy you fuck in the shower, but can I shit on your chest?

–Fordham University

Woman on cell: There's no law against defecation.

–3rd Ave & 10th St

Overheard by: SophieMed

Man whispering into cell: I'm going to have to take a number two while we're talking.

–Sunshine Suites

Young man on cell: We're in the ticket line. Are you still pooping?

–Castle Clinton

Overheard by: B Fraz

20-something guy to friends: When I poop on something, I want someone to notice!

–Bushwick, Brooklyn

Overheard by: I prefer to flush

Or at Least Scissor-Kick Him to the Face

Hobo, sticking his face in cab window: Oh shit, it's Charlie's Angels!
Girl inside: Shut the door! Shut the door!

–Outside Gansevoort Hotel

But Maybe We'd See Tim Curry!

Son, coming out of The Plaza hotel: How come we didn't stay here?
Father: Because that would have been our whole vacation.

–The Plaza Hotel, 5th Ave

Overheard by: Rachel

Wednesday One-Liners Locate Carmen Sandiego

Guy on cell: I'm walking to my room from breakfast. Then I'm going to take a dump. Then I'm going downstairs.

–Hallway, Marriott Courtyard Hotel

Barista walking in, to no one in particular: Unfortunately, I'm here.

–Starbucks, Brighton Beach

Overheard by: Robert

Lost tourist: We are stuck here in the middle of Times Square!

–Rockefeller Center

NYU girl on phone: Hello? No. No, I can't meet you. Because I'm lost. I'm lost in the West Village. You know how the streets there get weird? I have no idea where I am. I've been wandering around for hours and I don't know if I'll ever make it back, ever! No, don't try to find me, I haven't seen any street signs in ages. Okay, see you tomorrow…maybe not.

–Union Square

Loud black drag queen yelling into cell: Bitch, don't play with me! I know where you at!
(pause) Where you at?

–34th St & 8th Ave

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