Wednesday One-Liners for Celebretards

Young black guy to another: You know, Obama is to politics what Richard Simmons is to exercise.

–PATH Train

Guy standing outside bar: And she was like, "What, like Gary Coleman?" and I'm like, "No, not like fucking Gary Coleman!"

–4th & 10th

Girl to boyfriend: Well, Tom Green only had one testicle. It's totally fine.

–E 11th St

Overheard by: j

Suit on cell: And I was like, "Fuck you, Ryan Cabrera"!

–Bedford & 6th St

Black girl on cell: I told you, we're like the Paris Hiltons of Liberia.

–Borders, Wall St

Overheard by: step

Guy (after taking picture with Jeremy Piven): Damn! I can't put this on MySpace. I'm wearing the same shirt I wore when I met Chazz Palminteri!

–Outside Barrymore Theatre

Overheard by: Pasta…Salad

Posted on May 13, 2021
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Black People, Boyfriends, Clothing, Compare/Contrast, Girls, Gossip, Guys, Insults, Movies, Music, Myspace, On Cell, One-liners, Physical appearance, Politics, Race, Sports, Store, Suits, Theater, Trains Not Subway, TV, Union Square and East Village, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village

There is No Transfer There There

Man #1: Oh no…
Man #2: Can we go back to LA now?
Woman: Please do.

–Bedford Avenue station

Posted on April 24, 2021
Brooklyn, Insults, Subway Stations, Tourists

Sasha Cohen: I Am a Fucking Olympian, Dickwad

Midwestern man, about woman spinning in center of ice rink: Awww, someone’s reflecting on times passed.
New Yorker: Look at that chick in the middle — thinks she’s a fuckin’ Olympian! [Yells at her] Nice work, retard!

–Rockefeller Center

Posted on April 16, 2021
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Insults, Rockefeller Center

The 21st Century Equivalent Of “I Bite My Thumb at You, Sir”

13-year-old skateboarder to friends: Suck my dick!
Friend #1: I like you, you're my friend, and I'll invite you to my birthday party, but I won't suck your dick.
Friend #2: You provoke me with your boner.

–A Train

Overheard by: devon

Posted on April 4, 2021
Birthdays, BJs, Celebrations/Parties, Erections, Friends, Friendship, Insults, On the Subway, Penis, Skaters, Teens

And by “Do” I Mean “Steal Your Money and Jerk Off on Your Shoe”

Girl to friend: Fucking prick!
Hobo: Girl, you nasty. You nasty, but I’d still do ya.

–6 train platform, 33rd St

Posted on March 31, 2021
Etiquette, Girls, Hobos, Insults, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

Home Is Where You Hang Your Wednesday One-Liners

Saleswoman to customer on busy day: Some days you really should just stay at home. You’re cranky.

–Macy’s, Herald Square

Loud black lady on cell: Mothafuckah, I ain’t no one-night stand. If you think you can fuckin’ call me at 10:30 to 11:00 at night and fuckin’ pull me out of my home with my kids, then you must think I’m some other… [whispers] bitch.

–Mail room, Financial District

Woman on cell: Good, that way she won’t be able to beat on anyone else’s house guests! Let her sit at home and beat on her own house guests!

–M14 bus

Overheard by: Eyeteeth

Conductor: Jessica! Jessica! Girl, you on this train. Jessica Elizabeth! I’m taking you home, girl.

–6 train

Overheard by: fridaholic

Posted on March 23, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Anger Management, Black People, Conductors, Gossip, Gripes, Home, Sweet Home, Insults, Names, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Sex, Store, Vendors & Street Performers, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Women

If Only That Worked with Ashlee Simpson

Hobo, singing: Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb! Mary had a little lamb whose fleece was…
Man, holding out dollar: I will give you one dollar to shut the fuck up.
Hobo: (shuts up)

–14th St Subway Station

Posted on March 20, 2021
Hobos, Homeless, Insults, Men, Money & Class, Offers and requests, Singing, Subway stations, platforms, etc.

There's No Crying in Wednesday One-Liners!

Conductor: This is Willets Point/Shea Stadium. You know, home of the other team. (passengers laugh) You may laugh, but we all know no one really likes the Mets. Anyhoo, have a nice day, everyone. Stand clear of the closing doors.

–7 Train

Overheard by: Kristen

20-something guy wearing Red Sox hat to girlfriend: There's no way we can have kids in New York. They'd be going to school with a bunch of brainwashed Yankee fan offspring, and every night we'd have to be telling them bedtime stories that end with "and they all lived happily every after, except for Derek Jeter, because he's a fuckin' asshole."

–1 Train

Young woman on cell: I'm from New York, but live in Boston, but want to move back to New York… It's hard being a Yankees fan surrounded by fucking Red Sox fans. I can't do it anymore.

–L Train

Overheard by: I agree…

Subway conductor: Yankees fans. This is a Bronx-bound express D. This will not stop at Yankee stadium. Transfer at the next station to the B. (20 minutes later) Yankees fans. I promise you this train will not stop at Yankee stadium. You can transfer to the B at the next station. Or you could just not go to the game. The choice is yours.

–D Train

20-something mother to another, trying hard to look knowledgeable: The Yankees and Mets are playing two games today, the first at Yankee stadium and the second at Fenway, where the Mets play.

–Barnes & Noble Cafe

Woman in Jesus t-shirt: Jesus hates the Yankees.

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: Penny

Conductor to packed train: Attention, attention passengers. To all Yankee fans on this train, please have a safe day today, and enjoy the game. Personally, I am a Red Sox fan. That is all.

–Uptown 4 Train

Posted on March 19, 2021
All Wednesday One-Liners, Christians, Conductors, Football, Girlfriends, Gripes, Guys, Insults, Jesus, Kids, Laughter, Mets, Moms, On Cell, On the Subway, Passengers, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, School and studying, Subway conductors, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women, Yankees

At Least Wednesday One-Liners Are Pretty

Girl to friend: I wonder what’s the difference between hard tacos and soft tacos.

–Line at Taco Bell, Queens Mall Food Court

Overheard by: NTA

Guy talking to his friend: I don’t believe there is a first time for everything, but I do think there is a first time for anything.

–2nd St & Ave B

Overheard by: Max Berlinger

Girl on cell in hallway: She told me to get bacterial soap.

–Fordham University, Rose Hill

Overheard by: Krisztina ,who uses anti-bacterial

Subway comedian: My wife is so stupid. I told her to take the 2 train, she took the 1 twice. [Awkward silence follows. Comedian proceeds to dance around a subway pole pretending to be a stripper.]

–1 Train

Overheard by: Subway rider

Guy on cell: Dude, you’ve got to stop doing this "living paycheck to paycheck" thing because every time you get a check it’s like an emotional highway.

–Columbia University Campus

Overheard by: Alina

College girl, after closing a Nutella jar: I solved it! I solved the puzzle!

–Broome St

Overheard by: YJL

Posted on March 14, 2021
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Comedians, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Guys, Happiness, Health and Hygiene, Insults, Junk Food & Fast Food, Money & Class, On Cell, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queens, Restaurants & Cafes, Sorority Girls, Stupidity, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, Words

Insults