Wednesday Undie-Liners

Guy: Oh, man! It is not a good day to be my underwear!

–Wine Store, 75th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Raven

10-year-old to little brother: Hey! C'mere! You wanna play Captain Underpants?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: dogboy

Guy on cell: I'm not paying her to smell your underwear!

–57th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagsalot

Loud older gentleman watching people at subway entrance: They don't wear brassieres anymore!

–23rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Zombie Boyfriend

Older lady in funeral procession behind bag piper wearing kilt: I looked. He's wearing underpants.

–120th & Broadway

Posted on November 9, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Brothers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Musicians, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Sensory Experiences, Store, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap

Gleeful little boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts into giggles.]

–1 train

Overheard by: caitlinj

Guy: I mean, I wasn’t expecting being fucked, either!

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Mariah

Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.

–Forest Hills

Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, buddy! Don’t fucking push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!

–1 train

Overheard by: wba

Hispanic lady with stroller, on cell: Mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Fuckin’ asshole [Spanish]… Son of a [Spanish]… Fuckin’ mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Bunny rabbit [Spanish]… Fuck.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N (doesn’t speak Spanish)

Posted on October 30, 2020
Boys, Dads, Default, Etiquette, Guys, Insults, Kids, Latinos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Music, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Queens, Singing, Street, Violence, Weirdness, Women, Words

It’s Like Being Erased from the Book of the Universe

Young woman: How many children do you have?
Old woman: Two… well, I had three, but one moved to Florida.

–Doctor’s office, 166 E. 63rd

Posted on October 21, 2020
Kids, Office, Old People, Parents, U.S. Geography

Come on In– The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!

20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.

–A Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brooklyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: totheworld

Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Burning Vegan

Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Overheard by: obyun

Posted on October 20, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, College, Compare/Contrast, Education, Friends, Girls, Height, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Malls, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Queens, Questions, Sports, Stupidity, Teens, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

I Figure if I Wait a Decade or So, I Can Tell My Kids I Invented ‘D’oh!’

Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: That’s funny. What’s that from?
Kid #1: My dad made it up. DY-NO-MITE!

–103rd & Lex

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Posted on October 19, 2020
Kids, Parents, TV, Upper East Side

Hoping to Recapture the Life She Had Before Me and You

Little girl: Where’s mommy?
Father: I told you, sweetie. Mommy’s getting her new tattoo.

–10 St & 6th Ave

Posted on October 19, 2020
Dads, Default, Girls, Kids, Parents, Questions, Tattoos, The Village

Wednesday One-Liners Dropped Out of Lamaze

Girl: And it’s, like, strike two. You’re totally not getting a baby gift when I find out you’re preggers on Facebook.

–M23 bus

Suit on cell: My dad was making out with the nurse while I was being born…

–Fulton St

Overheard by: Miss Rach

Homeless lady: God’s pregnant! He wants the city dead! God’s pregnant!

–46th St & 5th Ave

Young boy pumping arms at sides and thrusting pelvis: Fertilize me!

–Starbucks

Posted on October 14, 2020
Homeless, Kids, On Cell, Pregnancy & Birth Control

…Ferragamo?

Four-year-old girl: Look at my new purse.
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, so?
Four-year-old girl: It's Prada.
Six-year-old boy: I don't think that's a Prada purse.
Four-year-old girl: But it's pink…
Six-year-old boy: Yeah, but I don't think that makes it Prada.
Four-year-old girl (very sadly): Oh.

–Henry St & Pierrepont St, Brooklyn Heights

Posted on October 10, 2020
Brooklyn, Colors, Fashion, Kids, Stupidity

The United One-Liners Of Wednesday

Female suit on cell: And if we get custody, we can take the girls to North Carolina! Fuck it! Yeah, we can!

–37th St & Madison

Overheard by: catching a train

Little boy: Mommy, is California really far? Would we have to take the f train to get there?

–N Train

Crazy-eyed lady on subway: The public schools failed my son! He flunked out, and now he's getting all As in private school! We need to stop putting money into Georgia and put money into our schools! You know what else we need to do? We need to drill in Alaska, because if we don't, Russia's going to get a pipeline in there and take it all!

–Uptown R Train

Overheard by: Anna P.

20-something woman: I think he's just going to club me…and drag me back to Alaska.

–Bleecker & 11th

Overheard by: Imma club you

Father to five-year-old daughter touching signposts and cars: You can rub anything you want in Connecticut, honey, but we have to be careful in New York.

–Union Square

Thugette: Ohio was mad crazy. Hillbillies be fucking chillin' on the block. Ain't no one had teeth! No one! You ever seen one of those movies where some white guy goes fucking crazy and kills, like, ten people? Like he's walking down the street and just stabs a cat in the neck? It was like that.

–V Train

Posted on October 8, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Crazies, Crazy, Dads, Family Ties, Gay Man's Best Friend, Insults, Kids, Money & Class, Murder, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Paranoia, Parents, Physical appearance, Public Transportation, Questions, School and studying, Stab, Street, Stupidity, Suits, The Village, Thugs, U.S. Geography, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women