With This Ring, I Thee Wednesday One-Liner

Woman on phone: The point is, I asked you to marry me and you hesitated. You hesitated!

–Grand Central Terminal

Acting professor: Act as if you're fascinated by what they're saying, while thinking about something else. That's what boys learn to do when they get married.

–NYU

Overheard by: Lisa

Man, advising another flirting with hot woman: You gotta go for it–unless she's married!

–2 Train

Five-year-old boy to another: Yeah, well… I'll let you marry my daughter!

–10th St & University

Overheard by: Ricky

Man to male friend: So basically, I took her to a gay bar on our wedding night.

–Central Park

Chick to guy: Are we *seriously* arguing about whether or not aunt Jemima would support gay marriage?

–Park Slope

Overheard by: Ladle

Posted on November 29, 2020
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Central Park, Family Ties, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Grand Central, Guys, Kids, Marriage, Men, NYU, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Park Slope, Parks, School and studying, Street, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Theater & Dance, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

I’m a Silent, Consensual Killer

Boy: I’m a ninja… but not a tree ninja.
Friend: That’s good.
Boy: And I don’t rape people.
Friend: That’s also good.
Boy: Or trees…

–Bus

Posted on November 21, 2020
Boys, Kids, On the Bus

I Thought Your Pump-up Jam Was “If I Could Turn Back Time”?

[“Umbrella” by rihanna is being loudly played.]Stoned gay guy: Oh my god, I love this song. This is totally what you hear before you start shooting kids in the projects.
Gay guy: Uh, excuse me?
Stoned gay guy: Yeah. You know, it’s like your pump-up jam.

–E 10th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: Dying of laughter

Posted on November 20, 2020
Default, Kids, Music, Queer guys, Shoot, Stoners, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

The Au Jus Of Wednesday One-Liners

11 year-old boy throwing water balloon back and forth: It's like a hymen, perfectly intact after a minor rape! (balloon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hymen juices!

–Tompkins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to another: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I'm not going to ejaculate! (repeats it over and over)

–D Train

Overheard by: seat changer

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty people suck.

–W 23rd Street

Overheard by: Cool and Dry

Little girl: I don't like boys! They're mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I'm dripping cum!

–Hester & Allen

Overheard by: lower east side

Posted on November 18, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Body Parts, Boys, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Drunks, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Gripes, Hobos, Kids, On the Subway, One-liners, Rape, Retards & Handicaps, Sex, Smegma, Street, Sweat, Upper East Side, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday Undie-Liners

Guy: Oh, man! It is not a good day to be my underwear!

–Wine Store, 75th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Raven

10-year-old to little brother: Hey! C'mere! You wanna play Captain Underpants?

–Brooklyn

Overheard by: dogboy

Guy on cell: I'm not paying her to smell your underwear!

–57th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Lagsalot

Loud older gentleman watching people at subway entrance: They don't wear brassieres anymore!

–23rd St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Zombie Boyfriend

Older lady in funeral procession behind bag piper wearing kilt: I looked. He's wearing underpants.

–120th & Broadway

Posted on November 9, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Brothers, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Musicians, Offers and requests, Old People, On Cell, One-liners, Sensory Experiences, Store, Stupidity, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Get Their Mouths Washed Out with Soap

Gleeful little boy: We will, we will fuck you! We will, we will fuck you! [Bursts into giggles.]

–1 train

Overheard by: caitlinj

Guy: I mean, I wasn’t expecting being fucked, either!

–55th & 8th

Overheard by: Mariah

Guy on cell: You know what? Cleo fucked you, so fuck it — we’re fucked.

–Forest Hills

Tough guy with five-year-old: Hey, buddy! Don’t fucking push me! I’ve got my fuckin’ kid here!

–1 train

Overheard by: wba

Hispanic lady with stroller, on cell: Mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Fuckin’ asshole [Spanish]… Son of a [Spanish]… Fuckin’ mothafuckin’ [Spanish]… Bunny rabbit [Spanish]… Fuck.

–7th Ave, Park Slope

Overheard by: Mike N (doesn’t speak Spanish)

Posted on October 30, 2020
Boys, Dads, Default, Etiquette, Guys, Insults, Kids, Latinos, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Moms, Music, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Park Slope, Queens, Singing, Street, Violence, Weirdness, Women, Words

It’s Like Being Erased from the Book of the Universe

Young woman: How many children do you have?
Old woman: Two… well, I had three, but one moved to Florida.

–Doctor’s office, 166 E. 63rd

Posted on October 21, 2020
Kids, Office, Old People, Parents, U.S. Geography

Come on In– The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!

20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.

–A Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brooklyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: totheworld

Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Burning Vegan

Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Overheard by: obyun

Posted on October 20, 2020
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Brooklyn, Cars and Driving, College, Compare/Contrast, Education, Friends, Girls, Height, Jobs & Careers, Kids, Malls, Men, On the Subway, One-liners, Queens, Questions, Sports, Stupidity, Teens, Vagina, Wednesday One-Liners, Women

I Figure if I Wait a Decade or So, I Can Tell My Kids I Invented ‘D’oh!’

Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #1: DY-NO-MITE!
Kid #2: That’s funny. What’s that from?
Kid #1: My dad made it up. DY-NO-MITE!

–103rd & Lex

Overheard by: Matthew K Johnson

Posted on October 19, 2020
Kids, Parents, TV, Upper East Side