Smug, Superior Wednesday One-Liners

NYU girl: I love authentic ethnic food, but not authentic ethnic service. Could you please Americanize your demeanor when you hand me a plate? I like service with a smile.

–Washington Square Park

Emo girl to friend, laughing hysterically, with a huge smile on his face: Stop! You've used up two of my three allotted daily smiles.

–R Train

College boy: We should put them on our penises. So it looks like a smiley face every time we pee.

–Williamsburg

Math teacher, seeing smiley face on board: Is that a penis?

–Hunter College High School

Posted on May 12, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ethnic Food, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Hunter, Laughter, Offers and requests, On the Subway, One-liners, Pee, Penis, Questions, Sorority Girls, Teachers/Professors, Washington Square Park, Weirdness, Williamsburg

I'll Take That As a Compliment.

Incredibly loud old black woman with cane, addressing two teenage boys with ponytails: Hey! You both got long hair! Are you faggots?
Boys, laughing: Nah, nah.
Loud black woman: You like dick?
Boy #1: Nah, we good.
Loud black woman: So you like pussy?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Boy #2: Yeah, we like pussy.
Random eavesdropping guy: I like pussy!
Loud black woman to boy #1: You a handsome motherfucker. You sure you don't like dick?
Boy #1: Yeah.
Loud black woman: Good. If you was a faggot I'd stick my cane up your ass.

–Uptown 1 Train

Posted on May 10, 2010
Black People, Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, Laughter, Old People, On the Subway, Penis, Questions, Threats, Vagina

Men: Encapsulated.

Guy #1: Badda bing! Bang up the asshole!
Guys #1,#2 and #3: Ahahahahhaha!

–Central Park West & 82nd St

Overheard by: Tati

Posted on April 29, 2010
Guys, Insults, Laughter, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

There's No Money in Rolling Corpses Anymore

Delivery truck man #1: You know what's great at that Chinese spot?
Delivery truck man #2: What?
Delivery truck man #1: Their pork dumplings.
Delivery truck man #2: I'll tell you what.
Delivery truck man #1: What?
Delivery truck man #2: That's definitely not kosher.
(they laugh)
Delivery truck man #1: But wait if I take it to a rabbi to bless, can it become kosher?
Delivery truck man #2: Good question.
Delivery truck man #1: Yeah… Wow! We are on the right side of the ferry, remember when the right side was for only cokeheads and weedheads, and your mother would say “don't go on the right side of the ferry” and people used to OD and you would find dead bodies? Those were the days!

–Staten Island Ferry

Posted on April 17, 2010
Animals & Nature, Cocaine, Coworkers, Death, Ferry, Food, Judaism, Laughter, Nostalgia, Questions, Staten Island Ferry, Weed

How Many Weight Watchers Points Are in a Wednesday One-Liner?

Average-sized woman on cell: He said "big boned." Yeah, "you're a big boned girl… Like your dad, kinda big boned." (pause) Yeah, so, I didn't really feel like eating much after that.

–Queens

Overheard by: bdlilrbt

Girl to friend: I always think I'm a thin person, but then I look into the mirror and realize I'm not.

–3rd & 13th

Super skinny Japanese girl: I brought my juice with me. Then I ordered dessert. But my juice just looked better than eating dessert.

–Downtown 1 Train

Overheard by: dignell

Middle aged women to friend: Yeah, we took her in for a few weeks. She was fine, but didn't eat much. But that's because she kind of has an eating disorder. (they burst out into a fit of laughter)

–F Train

Girl getting soda to friend: You know, it's the ice that makes you fat. I heard that somewhere.

–Cafeteria, Marymount Manhattan

Overheard by: Hannah

Posted on March 31, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, College, Compare/Contrast, Diet/Weight, Drinks, Food, Friends, Girls, Japanese, Laughter, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Physical appearance, Psychology, Queens, Skinny People, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

Any Weirder Than Eating the Body Of Christ? Weigh In, Readers!

High school girl to raucous group of friends: Oh man, remember the time we dared him to lick the church?
Group of friends: (wild laughter)

–Outside Grace Church, Broadway & 10th St

Posted on March 27, 2010
Church, Friends, Girls, Laughter, Licking, Students, The Village, Weirdness

I Love the Movies

Woman #1, singing: Follow the road, follow the road…
Woman #2: (is silent)
Woman #1, singing: Wiki, wiki, wiki, whoo, whoo! (does excited thumb dance)
Woman #2, joining in: Wiki, wiki, wiki, whoo, whoo! (thumbs dance)
Woman #1 and #2: (laugh together)

–Movie Theater, 66th St

Overheard by: April

Posted on March 18, 2010
Dancing, Laughter, Movie Theaters, Singing, Weirdness, Women

Dial “M” for Wednesday One-Liner

Man with entourage: So I killed one just before I went to sleep. (entourage laughs) Yeah, and I left it on her ceiling as a warning.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Dude walking down street: And if I kill him, I'm certified to bring him back to life…

–Brooklyn

Old man to another: You know, I don't even give a shit if I die anymore!

–E 84th St

Girl to friend: Why would you put the poison in milk?

–Union Square

Overheard by: Michela

20-something guy: Fucking corduroy! I've gotta tell ya, I fucking love corduroy! I swear to god, I'd kill for corduroy!

–J.Crew Men's Store

Overheard by: Pedro

Posted on March 17, 2010
All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Clothing, Death, Drinks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Insults, Laughter, Love, Men, Murder, Old People, One-liners, Questions, Store, Street, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Wednesday One-Liners Cunt Hardly Wait

Random girl: I think PETA should be informed any time an animal is fully submerged in a vagina.

–Webster Hall

Overheard by: Jen

20-something platinum blonde to another: Her vagina… Her vagina must be the size of, like, the Grand Canyon.

–7th Ave & 12th St

Girl, about her play: I don't think people are going to laugh about the vagina being killed on stage… Yeah, no one's gonna laugh when the vagina dies.

–NYU

Dude questioning another: What do mean by "moderate Taliban"? Like the women can wax their vaginas?

–Elizabeth Street

Young man shouting on cell: Then just tell her you don't like her vagina!

–26th St & Park Ave

Posted on February 24, 2010
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Compare/Contrast, Death, Girls, Guys, Height, Laughter, Lower East Side, Murray Hill and Gramercy, NYU, On Cell, One-liners, Pedophilia, Physical appearance, Questions, Religion, Street, Terrorism, The Village, Theater, Theater & Dance, Vagina, Waxing, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Words

Cuticle Porn's Kind Of a Niche Market

Girl #1: Anyone want to get a manicure? James?
Gay friend: Ha ha!
Girl #2: My dad gets manicures.
Girl #1: So does mine.
Girl #2: My dad's in sales, so he has to have nice hands.
Girl #1: My dad works at home. In porn!

–3rd Ave & 14th St

Posted on February 23, 2010
Body Parts, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Jobs & Careers, Laughter, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Physical appearance, Porn, Queer guys

Laughter