Wednesday One-Liners Are Down, but Not Out

Hobo with two jars in front of him: Food or drugs! Choose whether you’d like to sponsor my evening shot or dinner!

–Central Park

Homeless man: Hey, bindi-a, lookin’ good today! (Indian girl ignores his comment, begins to walk away). Fine! When you get mugged, I’m not helping you!

–Washington Square Park

Enterprising lady hobo: You could use your credit card to get cash, and give me the cash.

–Outside Dunkin’ Donuts, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Rich Mintz

Panhandling hobo: Spare some change for a large bottle of water and a nice Chef salad? Spare some change for bottled water and salad?

–Broadway & 10th St

Hobo: Hey lemme borrow those red Converse! I’ve got a hot date with Monica Lewinsky tonight!

–14th & 6th

Hobo to another: "You’re gonna turn me into a waffle?" That’s what she told me, you said! A waffle? Oh no, I don’t think so!

–23rd b/w 6th & 7th

Overheard by: sara

Crazy hobo: Watch out for traffic and knuckleheads! Beware! (points at random pedestrian) Him! He’s a knucklehead! Don’t trust him!

–5th Ave & 49th St

Posted on July 23, 2008
About Celebrities, Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bag ladies, Brooklyn, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Clothing, Crazies, Crazy, Dating, Drugs, Fears, Food, Hobos, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Multiculturalism, Overheard Style, Offers and requests, Panhandling, Questions, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Vegetarian & Vegan, Washington Square Park, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Go Great with Biscotti

Suit: Ladies and gentlemen, I have a financially stable family with two children. I just played fourteen holes at the country club and would kill for an iced cappuccino. Please give me some money.

–1 Train

Man, about two women passing: Fellas, you can’t let them get away! If you do, they’ll turn into a cup of coffee and a buttered roll!

–Bleecker & 11th

Toothless bum: Hey man, can I get two dollars so I can get myself a Cappuccino?

–B Train

Overheard by: Comack

Seven-year-old boy: Mom, I want to take a picture of Starbucks!

–42nd & Broadway

Posted on July 23, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Boys, Coffee, Hobos, Kids, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Pictures, Questions, Suits, Weirdness, West Village, Wishes & desires

The Tao Of Wednesday One-Liners

Subway rider to Japanese tourist: You guys need to stick up for yourselves, man. You know what I’d say if I was from Japan? I’d say: "I am yokozuna, muthafucka!"

–E Train, 42nd St

Male customer to clerk, after computer system goes down: I guess you have some little Chinese guy in the back working on the problem.

–Brooklyn DMV

40something woman walking dogs to friend: You know, these dogs are half Chinese. With all these things going on in China, they get very upset! (friend gives skeptical look) I’m serious!

–Upper West Side

Crazy lady, to no one in particular: All Carpenter songs are actually Korean national anthems. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. If a Korean is bludgeoning you, just sing a national anthem and they will stop. It’s the Koreans who do most of the bludgeoning, and that’s what upsets me.

–99 Cent Pizza, 41st & 9th Ave

Overheard by: Michael O’Connor

Worker, sounding pleasantly surprised: Oh, Asians! Damn! Asians!

–Canal Street and Centre Street, Chinatown

Posted on July 23, 2008
Advice, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Chinatown, Coworkers, Crazies, Crazy, Customers, Friends, Global Geography, Insults, Languages, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Music, On the Subway, Race, Restaurants & Cafes, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

Was That the Beginning of a Haiku?

Strange Latino man to girl: Excuse me, but I was wondering, do you like poetry?
Girl: (stares for a moment) Um, vomit.

–104th St & Broadway

Posted on July 19, 2008
Books & Writing, Default, Etiquette, Girls, Latinos, Men, Pick-up Lines, Questions, Strangers, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Vomit, Words

She Has a Nice Asian Personality

Female bartender: I forgot to tell you, I hired a new bartender. She will be here tonight.
Male bartender: Oh. Is she cute?
Female bartender: Well… She’s Asian.
Male bartender: Oh. Asian Asian or cute Asian?
Female bartender: Ehhh… you know.

–Broadway Theater

Posted on July 17, 2008
Bartenders, Beauty, Default, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, Race, Theater, Women

Wednesday One-Liners May Not Be Suitable for All Audiences

Ex-girlfriend about ex-boyfriend: I mean, he’s not exactly the kind of person to say: "I hear there’s a really great documentary about genocide playing at the film forum."

–Café near NYU

Overheard by: robin

Chick with Super-8 to random stranger: Excuse me, would you mind being the pickpocket in our silent film?

–The Montauk Club

Overheard by: torchwood lesbian

Man on phone: I wanna watch it in June so I can watch it stoned… Watching Harold and Kumar not stoned is like eating bread without butter!

–Train to Grand Central

Girl: Indiana Jones is what type of movie? Is it a life movie?

–43rd Street and 8th Ave

Overheard by: Ferris

Girl to friend: Did you get it? There were like a lot of metaphors in that movie, like label versus no label.

–Chelsea Clearview Cinema, after Midnight Showing of the Sex & The City Movie

Girl to boyfriend: If I don’t like movies about belts, am I going to like this movie?

–Smith & Wyckoff, Brooklyn

Posted on July 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bars & Clubs, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Film, Friends, Girlfriends, Girls, Grand Central, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Offers and requests, On Cell, Park Slope, Questions, Relationships, Restaurants & Cafes, Trains Not Subway, Weed

Hey, Wednesday One-Liners Can Dream, Can’t They?

Old man: Hah! I fell asleep at her funeral!

–3rd Ave, b/w 10th & 11th

Overheard by: j

Man to woman: Hey you! You were in my dream last night. You, myself and a bunch of people in the office were having an orgy on a mattress right in front of our office. At first it was great, but then it became awkward because people kept walking into the office and we got in their way.

–34th St & 6th Ave

Man with French accent on cell: Do we have room for her, or will she have to sleep in the dungeon?

–32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: LC

(guy is woken up by a friend after falling asleep on the train)
Guy: You dude, why you wake me up! I was having the best dream. There was shorties everywhere. There was shorties in trees and shit!

–2 Train

Conductor: For all of you running late, we are being delayed by another train with the emergency break on. Or you could tell ’em you just slept in today.

–D Train

Overheard by: blistexaddict

Posted on July 16, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Dreams, Foreigners, Guys, Home, Sweet Home, Jobs & Careers, Lies, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Old People, On Cell, On the Subway, Orgy, Public Transportation, Questions, Subway conductors, Time, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

At Some Point, You Get to Eat and Drink What You Like

Old man: I drink three Cokes a day!
Lady: Three Cokes! You’re in bad shape!
Old man: *I’m* in bad shape? I am 90 years old!
Lady: But Coke is bad for you! It’s full of chemicals that will mess up your biology!
Old man: Are you a biologist?
Lady: (after a long pause) Yes.
Old man: Okay then. Bye.

–23rd St & 8th Ave

Overheard by: Bemused

Posted on July 15, 2008
Advice, Age/Aging, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Default, Diet/Weight, Drinks, Jobs & Careers, Men, Old People, Women

To Be Fair, Sir, You Do Look Like You Swallowed Another Person

(man and woman arguing with a foreigner)
Foreigner: How many passenger?
Man: Two.
Foreigner: Three?
Man: No, two.
Foreigner: Three?
Man: Two! Two! (holds up two fingers) Me and her! (points to the woman)
Foreigner: Ah. Three!
Man: Jesus fucking Christ, where did you come from?

–JFK Airport

Overheard by: Angie

Posted on July 13, 2008
Anger Management, Default, Foreigners, JFK Airport, Language Barrier, Men, Questions, Words

Noxema: Shrug Any Press Is Good Press.

Large 20-something tough-looking man: Dude, you have bags under your eyes, are you okay?
Large 20-something man: Yeah man, I’m just tired.
Large 20-something tough-looking man: Dude, I’m going to take you over to Duane Reade. We are going to get you this great stuff -it’s called Noxema! You just put some on your eyes before you go to bed and your bags will disappear!”

–A Train

Posted on July 12, 2008
Advice, Default, Men, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Questions

Men