Men

Girl on cell passing by: That sounds great, honey, but there is no possible reason you'd need to shove an entire lime in the garbage disposal.

–Lafayette & Houston

(tourist lady eats banana)
Ferry bag lady: Why are you eating that banana? You know it's not healthy for you. They say you need potassium but you don't need no potassium. You don't want no banana, it's nasty and mushy. Throw it out. Throw out that banana. You don't want no nasty mushy banana.
(bug-eyed tourist lady continues to eat banana)

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal

Five-year-old girl, sitting in the grocery cart next to her twin sister, as their mother pushes them around the store: You're squishing me like a pineapple! You're squishing me like a pineapple, I said!

–9th St Market

Overheard by: Elle Woods (Chelsea Huckabay)

Old man with Boston accent to prepubescent boy: Squirt that in your nose and it's like you have a blueberry bush.

–42nd & 5th

Overheard by: Anniemal

20-year-old bakery chick: I was in Brooklyn yesterday on 18th Ave. There were three Mexicans on bikes. One was dressed like a banana. So then I walked up to him and I was like: "Dude, you're dressed like a banana and you're on a bike, that's awesome. Can I take a picture of you?"

–Bakery, Staten Island

Overheard by: Traci Cuccurullo

Loud girl: I never wash my fruit! I eat things that have fallen on the floor! And that's why I don't have allergies!

–375 Hudson St.

Overheard by: Harriet Vane

Thug on cell: Wait, so you said you needed something for herpes? (pause) I said, you need something for your herpes? (pause) Well, I smoked a little before I came over here…

–Harlem Rite Aid

Man: Your wife! Your wife! Richard Dawkins is gonna get herpes from your wife!

–French Roast, 86th & Broadway

Overheard by: zdog

Girl on cell wearing a Puerto Rican flag bandana: I dunno, I mean, I just can't keep doing this. I don't want to get herpes again.

–Bleecker & Mercer

Overheard by: JLief

Girl on subway to friend: I've never looked at you and thought you looked like you had herpes.

–E Train

Mother to tween daughter, ecstatically hugging friend: Remember, girls: No sharing saliva. That's how you get herpes and ruin your summer.

–3rd & 92nd

Overheard by: rebecca

Man handing out free demos: You want a CD? It's free! It's really good! It's me! (passersby ignore him) Fine, but when I die you cannot wear a t-shirt with my face on it!

–Broadway

Overheard by: porkchop sandwiches

Guy promoting comedy club: It costs less than a movie and we'll get you drunk!

–7th & 40th

Overheard by: Erin

Guy at stall: We're slashing prices today! Today's the anniversary of Lorena Bobbit!

–Street Fair, Washington Square North

Guy selling perfume: Ladies, buy one and get my number free!

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Denah

Man advertising standup comedy event: Comedy and alcohol for all you miserable bastards out there!

–Broadway

Man selling tickets to a comedy club: I hate my job! Come get drunk! Sell tickets! Sell tickets! Drinks! Drunk! Come get druuuunk!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Kate

Man on cell: Do you have any (quieter and mumbled) bagms? (pause, more intense) Do you have any (mumbled)? (one word at a time) Weed! Weed! Do you have any weeeed? (pause) No? Nothing? Well you're not much of a drug dealer then, are you?

–77th St & 3rd Ave, Bay Ridge, Brooklyn

Overheard by: fet

Hipster: …becoming a teacher and then getting arrested for marijuana possession in South Korea.

–L Train

Overheard by: paola

Boy running by: They're playing frisbee! I have to roll a joint!

–Pratt Institute

Teenage girl to guy with long hair and long beard in a tie-dye shirt: You look like you could be some kind of famous stoner.

–L Train

Mother to seven-year-old son (angrily): Don't you ever tell anyone else at school that I smoke marijuana! I'll go to jail and you'll be dead! (suddenly calm) It is, however, something I personally believe people should have a right to do.

–M102 Bus

Female coworker: I would pay for it.
Male coworker: You are paying for it, they're just not putting it in.

–16th & 5th

Overheard by: Brownsvillegirl

Man: That’s a very cute dog!
Girl #1: Yes, she is. My dad got her at a pet store. He was going to get a dog at the shelter, but he didn’t want to.
Girl #2: Yeah, so the dog he would have gotten at the shelter died, because it was a kill shelter.
Dad: Um, I’m not really taking full responsibility for that.
Girl #1: The dog was killed. Just because you didn’t want it.
Girl #2: Yeah, dad.
Dad: Really. I think this is less than 5% my fault. Look, this where we get off.
Man: Have a good night! Sleep well.

–Elevator, 82nd & 3rd

Overheard by: emily

Hipster passing large, bald man blocking doorway: Excuse me.
Large, bald man: What are you in a hurry for?
(hipster points to condoms and goes to the counter to pay for them)
Large, bald man: You’re totally on a condom run!
(hipster smiles and glances back to the man)
Large, bald man: Did you pull out of that shit?
Hipster: Nope, just having marathon sex.
Large, bald man: I’d high-five you, but I know where those hands have been.
(hipster leaves, laughing)

–Deli, 7th Ave & Christopher St

Overheard by: a

(man and woman chatting, he has a slight pot belly)
Woman: Do you work out?
Man: Yes, I do, actually.
Woman (in disbelief): Really?

–Elevator 2, Penn Plaza

Man, watching display for track announcement: Oh, look, it says “Stand by”! Here it comes! Whaddaya think it’ll be? I’m betting on 9.
Woman: Oh, I say 10. What do you think, mom?
Older woman: Er, 11.
Man: How about you, Fred*?
Older man, not very interested: 5, I guess.
Man: 9 comes up a lot. I take this train all the time and it’s almost always 9. I’ll give you 2 to 1 odds on 5, though. 2 to 1, Fred*.
(older man ignores him)
Man: Come on 9! Damn it, now that guy’s standing right in front of it. Do you believe that? Down in front! Go 9!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Older man (looking at the Chrysler building): Look, there’s the Empire State Building!
Teenage girl: What do they do in there? I mean, what is it?
Older man: It’s a college.

–42nd St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Eric