Mom: I wish you were gay.
Adult son: So I would dress better?
Mom: So I’d have an excuse to hate you.
–L train
Mom: I wish you were gay.
Adult son: So I would dress better?
Mom: So I’d have an excuse to hate you.
–L train
Guy #1: What do you think about calories? I don't believe they're real.
Guy #2 (humoring him): Yeah…
Guy #1: Yeah, I don't know about atoms either.
–F Train
Chick #1: What is your middle name?
Chick #2: I don’t want to tell you.
Chick #1: Why won’t you tell me what your middle name is? I showed you a picture of me naked!
Chick #2: That is so not the same. Your naked picture is on the Internet. Anyone can see it!
Mid-30s guy two seats away: I’m sorry, but what’s the address of that website?
–Bronx-bound A train
Overheard by: Julia
Guy #1: I took the day off. I’m going up to Long Island City to see the doctor.
Guy #2: Oh yeah? What’s the matter?
Guy #1: I have to get this boil looked at.
Guy #2: Sorry to hear that.
Guy #1: Yeah, well…normally it’s not a problem. I just pop it and it all goes away, but this one, man, I’ve popped it three times and it’s still big and painful as hell. Normally I don’t complain about these things, but man, this one is right below my balls…and it’s killing me! They tell me it’s a hair growing the wrong way. How does a hair do that?
–A train
Guy: My wife doesn’t like my tattoos.
Woman next to him: I’ve always thought that marriage should be like a driver’s license. You can either renew it after five years… or not.
–F Train
Loud middle aged guy on cell: Hello? What? Where's the meat? It's on the counter. I took it out last night. It was half frozen. Okay. (some time goes by) Hello? Who is this? Kiah? I took it out last night. It's on the counter. No, it's good. It was half frozen. Noooo, it's fine. It's not ruined! It's good. Noooooooooo. It's not ruined! I'll eat it, leave it for me. I'll eat it tonight and all the way to Shabbat, it will be my pleasure, it will be delicious. (some time goes by) I'm getting off the train. I'm coming home. They're mad about the meat. (Now almost on the verge of crying) It's not ruuuined. Noooooooooooo. It's goooood. Why is the meat no good? It's not ruuuined. Noooooooooooooooooooooo.
–Q Train
Guy: Do you know that you have a cup of coffee on your roof?
Driver guy: Merry Christmas from Starbucks!
–Park Place & Church
Overheard by: Dirt “Chainsaw” Dog
Lady #1: Can you move?
Lady #2: I ain’t movin’ my cart! You shoulda waited for the next fucking train!
Lady #1: What? Do you care more about people or your cart?
Lady #2: Ma cart, bitch!
Lady #1: …No, you are the bitch!
Lady #2: That’s right, you da bitch!
Lady #1: This is my first train ride, this is fun!…And I learned a new word!
Man: Happy holidays, everyone!
–1 train
Woman #1: So she says, “I don’t want to celebrate Christmas.”
Woman #2: What, she worships the Devil now?
Woman #1: Yeah, I think so.
-Surprise Surprise, 3rd Avenue
Overheard by: Kat
Guy: I don't think bees even have vaginas.
–23rd & 3rd
Suit to another: I want him scrutinized. At a gnat's ass level!
–Midtown Office
Middle school thug: I been radioactivatin' spiders in my kitchen.
–C Train
Overheard by: Emily B.
Mother to five-year-old boy: No, you can't buy grandma a plastic spider for Christmas!
–74th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Harriet Vane's Husband
Guy on cell: Hey, did I tell you I got drunk last night and ordered 1,500 ladybugs off the internet?
–Brooklyn
Overheard by: Ashley
Swaying hobo with outstretched arms, as it starts to drizzle: I make it rain, I make it rain, I make it rain on you, hoes!
–14th St & University Place
Conductor over PA, on sunny 50-degree day: Due to inclement weather, the 2 and 3 trains will be running on the local track.
–Downtown 1 Train
Overheard by: Ladle
Bag lady: I'm not selling ass, just panhandling. It's too cold.
–9th Ave & 25th St
Really tall dude to no one in particular, very energetically: It's a beautiful day, oh my god! I'm gonna cancel all my appointments and go on a walk!
–2nd & Bedford
Angry stranded guy: And you were all like "it doesn't snow in the city, there are too many cars!"
–Bleecker St
Cop to others, coming out of bodega: I was into fucking rainbows even before the gays.
–Bedford & S 3rd
Overheard by: Rocky
Tall blue-collar guy to short blue-collar guy: So, how did your date with that guy go? Did you get any action?
–Broadway
Guy on cell: I still don't see how being a dude and preferring other dudes sexually makes me gay.
–Q Train
Hipster on cell: This isn't gay, it's revenge!
–Ave C & 7th St
Guy to friends, matter of factly: So apparently he went there for drugs and/or homosexual sex.
–Rockefeller Center
30-something woman to another: Because she's gay, does that mean I need to pay for everything?
–Central Park
Overheard by: Tom Guest
