Wednesday One-Liners (No Homo)

Professor: Let's take a poll: who thinks I am gay?

–Lehman College

Flamboyant gay guy to butch gay guy: You, like, sneeze glitter. That's how gay you are!

–9th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: TR

Daughter to sobbing mother: Mom! Seriously, stop! I'm going to slap you. (mom continues sobbing) I'm not gay! Relax, okay?

–New Utrecht High School

Overheard by: Straight girl

Tween girl to friend: He's 17 years old and he doesn't have any kids? What? Is he gay?

–A Train

Teenage boy: Even if it's with a girl, it's still gay.

–L Train

Overheard by: Sean

Posted on June 24, 2009
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Bitch-slap, College, Family Ties, Fast Times at New York High, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Gender issues, Girls, Kids, Moms, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Queer guys, Questions, School and studying, Stupidity, Teachers/Professors, Teens, The Village, Threats, Tweens, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness

Every Night, I Pray for More Wednesday One-Liners

Disgruntled MTA worker, to no one in particular: See? I don't like human beings all that much. I like animals, they mo' fo' real. (venomously) Y'all better be glad I'm not god.

–6 Train

30-something white guy to friends: I live in Mesopotamia, 'cause the gods are gangsta!

–W 83rd & Columbus Ave

Older MTA worker, comforting young passenger: GPS: Guidance, patience, strength. Give it over to god. Trust that motherfucker is going to handle it. Give me GPS and I can handle the rest!

–Union Square Subway Stop

Bag lady, drenched in rain: The joke's on you, god!

–9th St & University Place

20-something guy on phone: So then she tells me the reason my dad died is because god was trying to hurt me!

–Union Square

Overheard by: talker's remorse

30-something: I mean…he's a good looking guy, but then he found god.

–39th St

Posted on June 24, 2009
All Wednesday One-Liners, Animals & Nature, Bag ladies, Beauty, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Death, Friends, Gadgets, God, Guys, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Passengers, Physical appearance, Stupidity, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wiggers

If I Could, I'd Gargle With It

Woman: Why you using all that Purell?
Man: I don't want no pig AIDS.

–Q Train

Overheard by: Ben Solomon

Posted on June 22, 2009
AIDS, Cleanliness, Men, On the Subway, Questions, Wishes & desires, Women

Not When It's $100 for the First Ejaculation and $20 for Each Additional…

Young boy #1: But I can't hold it in!
Young boy #2: Just wait until we get to Grand Central.
Young boy #1: I can't, though. I got therapy. I'm into hitting people.
Young boy #2: And masturbating?
Young boy #1: Oh, yeah, masturbating. A lot.
Young boy #2: Man, therapy is the place to be!

–6 Train

Overheard by: pomy

Headline by: Roseknows

Runners-Up:
· “Every Session Has a Happy Ending!” – Derek
· “If Only I Had Issues..” – Moogley
· “It’s the Best Place To, You Know, Let It All Out” – Lukas
· “Sometimes You Just Gotta Pound Something!” – Therapy
· “The Doctor Says the Final Treatment Is Something Called “Donkey Punching”” – Sodajerk

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Posted on June 22, 2009
Boys, Fighting and ass kicking, Headline Contest Winners, Masturbation, On the Subway, Psychology

Why You Gotta Be Ignorant All Your Life?

Gangsta #1: Yo, before meiosis shit's gotta do DNA replication.
Gangsta #2: What you talkin about? It just splits in fuckin half.
Gangsta #1: Nigga, you dumb.

–Downtown 4 Train

Overheard by: I Love Biology

Posted on June 21, 2009
Gangstas, Insults, On the Subway, Science, Weirdness

Why Frazzled-Looking Ladies Make Excellent Drug Mules

Cop doing random bag checks to young woman rushing through station: Excuse me, ma'm…
Young woman: (glances at cop)
Cop, backing up: Oh, you're in a hurry. (turns around, woman keeps running, bag unchecked)

–F Train

Posted on June 21, 2009
Cops, On the Subway, Stupidity, Women

While I'm Coming, I'm Like, “Heeeere's Johnny!”

Guy #1: I jack off and eat at the same time! It's easy!
Guy #2: What? How can you do that? That's gross!
Guy #1: I do it all the time! One hand on my pizza and the other on Johnny!
Guy #2: TMI!

–4 Train

Overheard by: Olee

Posted on June 20, 2009
Food, Guys, Masturbation, On the Subway, Pizza, Weirdness

That's Exactly What My Plastic Surgeon Said!

Girl to friend: Oh my god, your boobs have gotten so big!
Friend: Thanks!
Girl: Yeah, it's like now no one has to even look at your face.

–6 Train

Posted on June 19, 2009
Body Parts, Comebacks, Friends, Girls, Height, On the Subway, Physical appearance, Rack

“Uh-Oh, SpaghettiOs!”– the NYC Version

Woman: Open up my pants, and what do you find?
Man: Bing-bong, it's chlamydia!

–E Train

Overheard by: HappyCamper

Posted on June 19, 2009
Comebacks, Men, On the Subway, Private Parts, Questions, STDs, Women

You Seem to Have a Gift, My Friend

(lady with 12-15 hula hoops walks onto subway and sits across a sleepy hobo)
Hobo, surprised: Oh! Why you have all those hula hoops?
Hula hoop lady: Oh, well, I'm a professional hula hooper…seriously!
Hobo: Nah, nah, I see it.
Hula hoop lady: I teach a class with hula hoops.
Hobo: Yeah… (very matter-of-fact) I see the physicality of it. (Hobo gets up and does a gyrating hula hooping motion for five seconds)
Hula hoop lady: Yeah, people really get into it.

–L Train

Overheard by: Rock the Red Sock

Posted on June 19, 2009
Dancing, Hobos, Homeless, Jobs & Careers, On the Subway, School and studying, Women

On the Subway