Wednesday One-Liners Find Their Niche

Ten-year-old wannabe thug: I'ma put this can of pepper spray up your ass! You want me to put this up your ass?!

–Old Navy, Harlem

Worried bearded 50-something: Yeah, but how are we going to film an anal birth!?

–F Train

Street vendor selling his wares: I will shove your foot up the devil's ass!

–St Mark's Place

Yankee stadium employee yelling to another: Hey, wouldja bend over for a minute? I'll be right back!

–Yankee Stadium

Overheard by: torrie

Gay teen: His hole was as big as a traffic cone!

–1st & 14th

Sinfully ugly girl: I have to stop putting things in my ass.

–forever 21 (queens center mall)

Overheard by: defragment my harddrive

Posted on March 5, 2015
9 to 5-ers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asshole, Backdoor, Boys, Coworkers, Dildos and Vibrators, Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Innuendo, Insults, Kids, Men, Movies, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Queer guys, Questions, Sexuality, Store, Teens, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Vendors & Street Performers, Weirdness, Words, Yankee Stadium

_UCK O__, YOU _RAZY _UNT

Black woman: You look like Vanna White.
White girl: Really?
Black woman: Don’t she look like Vanna White?
Queer: Yes, but better.
Black woman: What do you mean better! Vanna is rich and shit. And on TV. And this bitch over here has nothing. She’s on the subway, for Christ’s sake!

–Downtown 6 train

Overheard by: JR

Posted on February 28, 2015
Black People, Compliments, Girls, On the Subway, Public Transportation, Queer guys, TV, White People, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Refuse A Polygraph

Guy: Yeah, and he lied to me about dying, too!

–Bedford Ave, Brooklyn

Girl: So what is your name going to be tonight?

–6th Ave & 57th St

Queer on cell: She tried to tell me that I was fatter than him — that muthafucka is the worst liar in the world!

–Grand Central Terminal

Overheard by: She was probably right…

Guy: I just told her, ‘Keep on fakin’ those orgasms!’

–7th Ave & 32nd St

Suit on cell in McDonald’s: Yeah, well, I’m in Connecticut right now…

–Astoria, Queens

Overheard by: Blaine

Conductor: There’s another local train directly behind this one. I would never lie to you.

–W train to Astoria

Overheard by: MissPinkKate

Man exiting taxi: If anyone asks, we walked!

–Lincoln Center

Overheard by: Kyle

Posted on February 27, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Conductors, Girls, Guys, Liars, Lies, On Cell, Queer guys, Suits, Wednesday One-Liners

No, Dear Heart, I’m With You

Queer: I would never want my little girl to be in Girl Scouts!
Girl: Why?
Queer: Because Girl Scouts is for lesbians.
Girl: That’s not true! I was in Girl Scouts, and I’m not a lesbian!
Queer: Yeah, but you’re fat and alone.

–Washington Sq Park

Posted on February 24, 2015
Assholes, Comebacks, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Insults, Queer guys, Washington Square Park, Wishes & desires

I’ve Just Dated a Lot of Guys Who Really Loved Me

Queer: So, yeah, I told him I cheated on him.
Fag hag: Oh… So you don’t really love him, then.
Queer: You think so?
Fag hag: Oh, darling. When you really love someone…
Queer: I know, I know, you don’t cheat on them.
Fag hag: No! When you really love someone, you cheat and never tell.
Queer: You’re so ahead of me.

–Mercer & Broome St

Posted on February 22, 2015
Fag Hags, Infidelity, Lies, Love, Queer guys

Wednesday One-Liners Feel Pretty and Witty and Gay

Flamboyantly gay guy to gay friends: Why do I have to be the queen? Why can’t I just be regular?!

–Christopher Street

Overheard by: JMcheer

Queer to another: I just want to bury my face in his ass!

–67th & Park Ave

Gay guy on cell: Oooh! I love playing straight!

–1st Ave, East Village

Overheard by: B

Stressed gay worker: They always skip over my lunch break. Everyone else gets their lunch breaks but they always skip over mine. Ugh. Guys, I’m gonna take my 15 minutes. I’m taking my 15 minutes. I close tonight… Ugh, this is not the road to success! (storms off)

–H&M Store

Overheard by: nyu kid

Queer to boyfriend: You know Romy and Michelle? I love that movie… That movie made me gay.

–Restaurant, 19th & 8th

Overheard by: batou187

Queer on cell: I know… I know! Gosh, that is sooo gay!
(bewildered elderly lady looks at him)
Queer to elderly lady (in shrieking voice): Oh my god, oh my god, the faggot said gay!

–Central Park

Posted on February 20, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Ass, Boyfriends, Central Park, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Coworkers, Eating Out, Gays and Lesbians, Gripes, Movies, Office politics, On Cell, Queer guys, Questions, Restaurants & Cafes, Sexuality, Store, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, West Village, Wishes & desires, Words

Dramatic Tension So Thick You Could Cut It With a Melon Baller

Really gay guy: So you know how there's nothing on on tv in the summer? I started watching the gayest tv show ever.
Really gay friend: Yeah? Like what?
Really gay guy, conspiratorially: Star Trek: Voyager.

–Kashkaval, 55th & 9th

Overheard by: office peon

Posted on February 17, 2015
Bars & Clubs, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Queer guys, TV

…Which Is Lick Delicately Around My Anus.

Frat guy #1: I’m totally into gay guys right now.
Frat guy #2: You’re into gay guys?
Frat guy #1: No, man, not like that. Like, I really respect gay guys right now.
Frat guy #2: Why?
Frat guy #1: I just really think it’s cool how they do what they do.

–Barnes and Noble

Overheard by: Molly

Posted on February 16, 2015
Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Queer guys, Store

Wednesday Two-Become-One Liners

Girl on cell: You're like the male version of me! Of course I want to have sex with you!

–Washington Square Park

Girl: I don't give a shit about your personal life, will anyone in this bar have goddamn sex with me?!

–Naked Lunch, Tribeca

Guy on cell: So anyway, I told her I'd come and fuck her brains out. Wait a minute, I've got another call coming in… (answers) Hi, mom!

–E Train

Gay queen, while female friends take photo of werewolf: It's worth having sex with just because of the foot…

–The Slaughtered Lamb Pub, West Village

Overheard by: Lost on Christmas Day

Girl on phone: I ain't denying you shit, motherfucker! You want to pound my ass? Come over and pound me! You want to fill my mouth with juice? Then fill me with juicy goodness! (pause) Okay, I'll see you later tonight, then.

–W 123rd & 8th Ave

Ferry queer on phone: Everyone looks like the sex they had last night.

–Staten Island

Posted on February 14, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Backdoor, Bars & Clubs, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Cum, Friends, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Insults, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Parks, Physical appearance, Pick-up Lines, Pictures, Queer guys, Sex, Staten Island, Threats, Vampires, Ghouls, and Ghosts, oh my!, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Washington Square Park, Wednesday One-Liners, West Village, Wishes & desires

Work Day One-Liners

Postal worker to another: Oh, no, don't worry. You do what you want. It is impossible for them to fire you, girl.

–Tompkins Square Park

Mr. Big, sarcastically on cell: Is there anything else that I can do for you, honey, while I'm out making a living?

–First Class Cabin, American Airlines

Overheard by: Frequent Flyer

Scruffy drunk hipster guy to frumpy drunk hipster girl: That's how girls touch me… at work.

–Cobble Hill Brooklyn

Guy on cell: I really need to give up drugs cause, like, no one will hire me. I'm gonna wait a few weeks and try to get a job at Food Emporium.

–Astor Place

20-something girl to another: See, the thing with sweatshops is, at least they have jobs.

–Chelsea

Overheard by: arielle

Well-dressed gay man to another: Doesn't she know the best part of her job is going through the OfficeMax catalogue to order matching office supplies? That should be the highlight of anyone's day!

–E Train

Overheard by: lk

Posted on February 12, 2015
Airports, All Wednesday One-Liners, Alphabet City, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Coworkers, Drugs, Drunks, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Jobs & Careers, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parks, Promiscuity, Queer guys, Questions, Stupidity, Union Square and East Village, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Queer guys