Shopping

I Did, for Christ’s Sake!

Chinese customer: Hey, do you work here?
Chinese salesman: Yes.
Chinese customer: Okay, are you guys going to have the PlayStation Three when it comes out?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: I know — are you guys going to have it?
Chinese salesman: It comes out November 17th.
Chinese customer: Okay… I know that. Are you guys going to sell it?
Chinese salesman: I don’t know if we have pre-orders.
Chinese customer: So, are you going to sell it on November 17th?
Chinese salesman: Yes, yes, we sell on November 17th — first come, first serve.
Chinese customer walks away mumbling: Damn, man, learn some English.

–J&R Music, City Hall

Overheard by: Hugh

20 Years Later, Golden Girls Still Hits the Humor Jackpot

Old lady #1: Do you really think she’ll like that?
Old lady #2, carrying large mixing bowl: Oh, yes! I’m sure she will! I’m sure she’ll… You know what, Mom? Do you really care if she does or not?
Old lady #1: No, no I don’t.
Old lady #2: Well, there ya go.

–Macy’s

Overheard by: beth devlin

Wednesday One-Liners Always Have a Date

Man on cell: I had never used a dildo before, you know? It’s just never come up, I guess. So I think, ‘Okay, I’m not that young anymore — I’ll take what I can get…’ and it was going fine, but then I didn’t know you’re not supposed to shove it in that fast…

–14th St & 3rd Ave

Overheard by: Peter L

Dude on cell: Why would I get the pink one? It’s not a dildo, it’s a back massager from Duane Reade.

–Christopher & 7th

Girl: I’ve got my Reisens and my vibrator, and I’m all set!

–Duane Reade, Montague & Court, Brooklyn

Young woman turning to male friend: So, bud, conquered any good buttplugs lately?

–6 train

Girl whispering: I think that girl in line behind me just read this text about rubber pussy cups!

–Victoria’s Secret dressing room

20-something guy to pals at brunch: I’m tired of being the guy with all the good sex toys!

–56th & 9th

Hates Any Group Whose Stereotype Is Smarter Than Her Own

NYC woman: We’re here!
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura, I thought we were here to get cheap fake purses?
NYC woman: We are — this is Chinatown.
Southern tourist bimbo: Why are there so many Chinese people?
NYC woman, slowly: This is Chinatown…
Southern tourist bimbo: Laura! You know I hate Chinese people!

–Canal St

Overheard by: The Wizard

Because Anyone Who Drinks Lychee Guava Peach-Flavored Vodka Cognac Is Hard-Up for Friends

Woman #1: Have you tried Lichido?
Woman #2: Is that a new kind of karate or something?
Woman #1: It’s a liquor.
Woman #2: Don’t you mean ‘kicker’?
Woman #1: Why do I talk to you?

–Astor Wines & Spirits, Astor Pl

I Think One of the ‘Make a Wish’ Kids Asked for It Already

Guy #1: What is wrong with this district?
Guy #2: I know! Every store is a liquor store.
Guy #1: There should be district liquor summer camps or something.

Headline by: Menzer

Runners-Up:

· “An excerpt from “The History of Catholic Camp”” – Manda

· “But that’s what New Jersey’s for!” – cinekat

· “Captain Morgan gains close victory in district 7, narrowly beating Corporal Cocaine and Major Methamphetamine.” – Victor

· “I Don’t Want to Know What You Did Last Summer” – Laura

· “I’m going for the “Finding a Bruise of Unknown Origin” Merit Badge” – Syd O

· “Kumbaya with a twist” – danny

· “Southern Comfort Proudly Sponsors Boy Scout Troop 741” – Bevan

· “With Sailing Lessons from Captain Morgan” – Greene

· “Wyoming is way ahead of you.” – Merk


Click here to see the new Headline Contest

In the Same Way that Those WMDs Were ‘Sold Out’

Loud customer: Do you have She-Ra: Princess of Power?
Cashier: No, we don’t carry it.
Loud customer: It’s sold out?
Cashier: No. We don’t carry it.
Loud customer: It’s sold out?
Cashier: …Yes.

–Virgin Megastore, Times Square

Wednesday One-Liners Are as Dumb as They Look

Prep chick: Is it amoebas that come from Mexico? Or am I thinking of armadillos?

–5th Ave

Overheard by: Francesca

White teen girl: So, is there a Friday next week?

–4 train

Overheard by: Gregorio

Girlfriend: If your friends told you to jump down a bridge, would you do it?

–D train, Grand Concourse

Suit to black gangster holding large chameleon: Excuse me, sir. What species of dinosaur is that?

–Manhattan-bound F train

Overheard by: Josh

Teen: So how much would the game cost if it was $17.99?

–Game Stop, Forest Hills

Future zoologist: They have sea lions here! They’re like lions — from the sea!

–Central Park Zoo

Overheard by: Andrew K.

You Can Lead a Ghetto Girl to the Gap, But You Can’t Make Her Ass Fit into the Pants

Ghetto girl #1: My boyfriend, he’s ghetto, you know.
Ghetto girl #2: Ghetto how, like ghetto ‘Can’t bring him to a work function ghetto,’ or ‘Ghetto, can’t bring home to mama ghetto’?
Ghetto girl #1: Definitely ‘Can’t bring him to a work function ghetto…’ And ‘I can’t bring him to mama ghetto.’
Ghetto girl #2: Yeah, he’s ghetto.
Ghetto girl #1: Yeah, but we are too.
Ghetto girl #2: No we’re not! Hey, where are you going, we were supposed to go into the Gap.

–34th & Broadway

Overheard by: kate

This Bookstore Has Had Several Owners, Yes

Girl: Is this the cheapest copy of Steal This Book that you have?
Cashier: Yeah, we only have that one new.
Girl: So then this isn’t exactly a used bookstore, is it?
Cashier: Well, you are going to use it, right?

–Village Bookstore, St. Marks

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