Employee: Would you like to try a new Portuguese wine?
Customer: I love South American wines!
–Cabrini Wines, Hudson Heights
Employee: Would you like to try a new Portuguese wine?
Customer: I love South American wines!
–Cabrini Wines, Hudson Heights
College girl #1: I found out Mike’s cheating on me. I’m, like, totally devastated.
College girl #2: Ugh. What an asshole. How’d you find out?
College girl #1: Joe told me last week after we hooked up.
College girl #2: Ugh… Mike is such a jerk…
–Macy’s
Overheard by: Merlyn
Chick on cell, not visibly pregnant: I'm having a c-section and a cigarette.
–Simply Natural, 43rd & 10th
Overheard by: Pleased
Recurrent drunkard to bar: I'm not a smoker! I'm a libertarian, for fuck's sake!
–Peter McMannus Pub
LIRR conductor: There will be no pugilism on this train. Additionally, tonight marks the first night of Kwanzaa, and in the spirit of Kwanzaa, I ask you to not smoke on this train. This is the final warning: if you are smoking, you will be ejected at the next convenient stop. Also, no throwing up is allowed on the train. The two places where you may throw up are in the conveniently-located bathrooms, or on yourselves. Again, merry Kwanzaa.
–LIRR
Overheard by: Jenna K
NYU girl: Do you have a cigarette to ease my cough?
–Waverly & Mercer
Chick: Mad Men is like porn for smokers.
–172nd St & Broadway
Overheard by: Ladle
Bimbette: Oh my god, and he totally had pubes all over his bed–
Irritated chick, interrupting: –What the fuck? Why the hell do you care if he had pubes all over his bed?!
Bimbette: … I… Uh…
Irritated chick: Just shut up, bitch.
–Macy’s
Big guy: I read the other day on the internet that masturbating can really make you retarded.
Clerk: Really? (long pause) Wow!
–Porn Shop, Time Square
Overheard by: carepicha
Curly-haired chick: Your condom consumption should not intimidate people.
–Morningside Heights
Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy
Woman: He bought a car? With seven grand you buy condoms… or a house. But a car?
–6 train
Overheard by: Sabrina
Girl on cell: So I’m just at the pharmacy picking up a prescription… [Lowers voice] You know, my pills… What? My pills! You know, those pills I take so that I don’t get pregnant when your dumb ass busts inside me!
–Duane Reade, 34th & Park
Overheard by: Laughing my dumb ass off
Perky girl to friend: Yeah, and then he said, ‘What the heck?’ and flung the condom across the room.
–Astor Pl
20-ish chick: The ribs do nothing for me, but I buy ‘Her pleasure’ condoms for political reasons.
–Williamsburg
Overheard by: Ursula & Winifred
Young girl, panicky: Do you know where I can find the morning-after pill?!
–CVS
Woman #1: I really don’t think you’re leading him on.
Woman #2: That’s what everyone says…but they don’t know I’m grabbing his ass every day.
–Bloomingdale’s, 59th Street
Overheard by: djlindee
Girl #1: That’s weird, they don’t have any Tori Amos here.
Girl #2: Have you checked under “A”?
Girl #1: Why would it be under “A”?
–Virgin, Union Square
Guy: Once I told my friend Ivan that I like to eat my scabs, and he said he did too, so we ate each other scabs.
–Park Slope
Ugly drunk girl: Sometimes I pick people's noses. (pause) Usually nothing comes out!
–LIRR, Huntington Line
Overheard by: I <3 Commuters Black guy on cell: Then I put KY all over her pussy, yo, and she wanted to spoon that shit up and eat it!
–Lafayette St
Man to family: Well, I've got to assume he's getting sick anyway, judging by the snot I just saw.
–Grand Central Station
Male law student: That's the good thing. You can scratch all day and it won't spread.
–Fordham Law School
20-something receptionist: Urp! I think I just coughed up a fetus. I better Lysol the phone.
–5th Ave
Overheard by: BrooklynBorn
