Suits

Wednesday One-Liners Are a Bit Fruity

Young barista to another, peeling a banana: You like your women like you like your bananas.

–Bedford Ave

Man outside fry place: They don't sell watermelon here. I read the menu three times, and no watermelon.

–Pomme Frites, 2nd Ave

Dude on cell: Banana. Banana banana banana banana. Banana.

–Flatbush Avenue, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

30-something suit to another: If I'm hungry I'll eat a banana, but I can't eat more than one. Because bananas, like, annoy me.

–Metro-North Harlem Line

Employee: All natural mango juice, on sale for 66… no, 69 cents off the regular price.
(customer walks away, uninterested) Where do you think you're going?

–Whole Foods

Overheard by: Sac

Scabies Can Be Cured; Winter Only Goes Into Remission

Short girl: I just don't like the winter, it's so depressing.
Suit #1: I know. And I have scratches all over my body.
Suit #2: How did that happen?
Suit #1: I'm not sure, but…
Short girl: Maybe you have scabies!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: The WC

What a Terrible Way to Talk to Your Parents

Suit on cell, leaving voicemail: Hi, June*, it's Tom*. I'm calling because I heard that you've been sleeping with Bill*. I just wanted to warn you to be careful, Bill* doesn't tell people that he has genital herpes. Definitely call me back if you're worried, okay?
(suit hangs up, phone rings moments later)
Suit on cell, answering: Bill*, dude! I heard you've been banging June*!

–Lobby, Midtown

Overheard by: Thankfully not sleeping with Jane

Active Listening Can Be Very Persuasive

Suit #1: So if he was so great, why did you break up with him?
Suit #2: He was apparently trying to build a consensus among my friends that he gives great head.

–Evolve Bar, E 58th St

Wednesday One-Liners: a Space Odyssey

30-something suit on cell: We live in an infinite universe. That means there are infinite possibilities. You are insignificant compared to the size of the universe. You mean absolutely fuck-all nothing, so get off your high horse and do what you're told.

–40th St & Madison Ave

Overheard by: Megan

Guy on cell: Dude, so how much more time do you have in Russia before you go into space?

–Ave A & 8th St

Overheard by: Daniella

Guy on cell: The subways are like the planets. Generally they're in their orbit, but you never know. (pause) Really? C'mon, Mars!

–Uptown C Train

Overheard by: furf

Three-year-old boy to adult family friend: I love you to outter space! Outter space goes upupupupup!

–West Village

Crazy man straddling bike: Goddamn! I can't believe I missed the last rocket ship to the moon! (in high-pitch voice) It's okay, man! There's another one in five minutes!
(back in normal voice) Okay, man, that's cool. Roger that.

–1st Ave & 1 St

Sales associate: They worked with NASA scientists. This is what the moon actually smells like.

–Home Fragrance Department, Bergdorf Goodman

Overheard by: Heather H.

Don't Torment the Homeless, Dude

Hobo: Spare some change, fine-lookin' sir?
Suit: Would your name by any chance be Henry?
Hobo: Do I look like a mothafuckin' Henry? Hell no!
Suit: Well, that would be a correct assumption, as Henrys are usually successful.
Hobo: Well then, are you a Henry?
Suit, proudly: Yeah.
Hobo: Spare some change, good-lookin' Henry?
Suit: Nah.

–1 Train

Overheard by: i could've been a henry

Death Comes As a Relief to New Yorkers

Suit #1, looking at his BlackBerry: I have a 10:00 and a board meeting at 1. How about 10:30?
Suit #2, looking at his BlackBerry: Conference call at 10:30. 11?
Suit #1: I'm expecting a call then. 11:45?
Suit #2: Appointment downtown at 12:30, need travel time. 11:30?
Suit #1: I can't commit to 11:30. How about 9:30?
Suit #2: 9:30's now.

–E Train

Overheard by: Chuckell

…In the Chuck E. Cheese Ball-pit Of My Love.

Young suit #1: So she told me next week was better for her. Do you think that means anything?
Young suit #2: I don't know, man! (laughs)
Young suit #1: Well, she told me she can go swimming!

–Elevator 3rd & 44th

Wednesday One-Liners Bring Something Unique to the Table

Guy: I hope you got a fuckin' Dixie Cup, 'cause that's what you're gonna need to hold it!

–42nd & 5th

Middle aged suit, to no one in particular: Spoon! Spoooon! Spooooon!

–Au Bon Pain, Broad St

Overheard by: Sarah Booz

Young guy with backpack to young wife: Teacup, teacup, teacup, teacup, teacup.

–Sheridan Square

Crazy hobo on subway: Hey you! Did you take my spoon? I know you took my spoon! Why would you do that to a guy?

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: Scared British Tourist

Indignant yuppie: I wanted to stab her with a fork! It's a good thing we were at a sushi restaurant.

–69th St & Broadway

Overheard by: Rose Fox

Begging Works More Often Than You'd Think

White guy in suit to drunk Asian girl coming out of the subway: Will you come home with me?
Please?
Asian girl: What? Why?
White guy: I'm lonely and I want to sleep together.
Asian girl: I'm not a prostitute, you dick!

–Time Square

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