Vagina

“It's Not You. It's Wednesday One-Liner.”

Screaming, sobbing middle-aged woman to man: Why are you doing this to me? Why are you doing this to me? We made beautiful love last night! Why are you doing this to me?

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Angry woman on cell: You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me! We are done!

–147th & St Nicholas

Man on cell: I'm going to fucking dump that job, like girls dump me.

–45th & 8th

Girl on phone: No wonder he broke up with you, you are a pain in the ass!

–Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Laura

Teen girl on cell: Are you fucking kidding me? You're breaking up with me because I didn't let you lick chocolate off my coochie? That shit's fucked up!

–Bloomingdale's

That Would Be “Too Late” Jeans by Gloria Vanderbilt

Girl #1: Where’s those jeans — the coochie-hugging ones?
Girl #2: Oh, you mean the ones that cut your vagina in half?

–H&M, 51st & 5th

Overheard by: Adin

Their Sex Life Is Kind of a Downer

Lazy guy on bike: My tailbone hurts.
Lazy girl on bike: My vagina bones hurt.

–East Village

And Buy Some Baggy Jeans

Dirty old hobo to passing tourist girl: Mmm, mmm, mmm… I could eat for three days off your fat pussy.
Tourist girl: I'm not fat!
Dirty old hobo: No, but your pussy sure is.
Tourist girl, rushing away: I'm gonna cry.

–Soho

People for the Ethical Treatment Of Wednesday One-Liners

Girl to guy: I don't think that hamsters respond to you as much as, like, a guinea pig does.

–Bank St. & Greenwich St.

Overheard by: Katie Compa

Crazy redneck-looking guy to PETA circus protester: They're gonna do to us what they did to the lions! We'll be put in concentration camps!

–Madison Square Garden

Overheard by: Santiago and Catie

Guy: And she can ride him like a horse!

–W 103rd St

Graying Brooklyn guy to another: You know, the only thing I haven't seen is a bobcat.

–7th Ave & 4th St, Brooklyn

Underclassman to another: Lizards can't impregnate anyone. They don't even have penises.

–Townsend Harris High School

Overheard by: amused

Drunk man in tiger costume to McDonald's worker: There's an escaped zoo animal and he wants to eat your pussy. Stop serving your food and hide! (then steals bowl of jams used for breakfast menu)

–McDonald's

When “How Many Candy Corns Are in the Jar?” Stops Being a Fun Party Game

Guy: How many dicks can you fit in your vagina?
Girl: Umm, I'd say five.

–Fire Island

Overheard by: Pranav

Barbie Dolls Get More and More Lifelike Every Year

Girl: It was because her labia was so strong.
Guy: You aren't supposed to talk out of your labia.
Girl: She wasn't talking out of her labia.
Guy: It was a queef. It's still a sound.

–30th & 5th

Overheard by: Heinz

I Sell Dead People, and I Don’t See Them

Porn man: If you don’t have ID, I can’t let you in.
Minor guy: Man, I can sell pussy, but you won’t let me see pussy?

–Porn store, 42nd between 8th & 9th

…In 1995

Drunk girl, screaming at Adam Duritz: I want you in my vagina!
Friend: Would you stop?! Like 400 people hate you right now!
Drunk girl: I don’t care, they didn’t fuck him!
Friend: Actually… Like 200 of them probably did…

–Counting Crows Concert

Overheard by: Hating her

Hasn't That Exhibit Been Done?

Cute girl to drunk friend sitting provocatively with a miniskirt on: Sit up, Beth, your coochie's hangin' out.
Drunk friend: I can't get up. (yelling) Does anyone on this train have a problem with my vagina hanging out?
(train is silent)
Drunk friend: See? No one cares. Vaginas are like modern art these days.
Cute girl: I guess.
Drunk friend: You could take a picture of my snatch right now, frame it, make it look like Warhol, and it would sell in the MoMA for five thousand bucks. Hell, I should be charging admission fees right now. Anyone who comes to see my snatch exhibit and doesn't buy a copy is a misogynist.

–A Train

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