Wednesdays and the One-Liners Who Hate Them

Girl to friend: That’s because my heart is filled with hate and yours is filled with kittens.

–Something Else, Park Slope

Overheard by: jayloo

White guy: Well, if Kate* was my soulmate I wouldn’t hate having sex with her so much.

–W 57th & 11th

Well-dressed man to self, after making meowing noises: I hate my ex, I hate that fucking bitch! I’m going to stick a tennis ball in her muffler!

–Bleecker & Broadway

Teen girl to friends: And she, like, gave me an 88%. I can’t fucking believe her! I can’t even hate her, right? If she’d just failed me like usual, I could hate her. But she gave me a freaking 88%.

–Astoria-Bound N Train

Overheard by: Ben

Sad 30-something: My boyfriend’s mother hates me. She hates me because I’m out of work … And I shoot up in her house.

–7th Ave & 9th street, Park Slope

Drunk angry girl on cell: Answer the damn phone, you bastard! Answer the phone! I hate you! I love you! Call me.

–Port Washington Train

Posted on June 25, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Astoria, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Girls, Guys, Heroin, Marriage, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Offers and requests, On Cell, Park Slope, Relationships, Sex, Store, Subway stations, platforms, etc., The Village, Threats, Trains Not Subway, Violence, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, White People

Where My Wednesday One-Liners At?

Homeless man to barking dog: You can yell at me all you want! It don’t change a thing! I can hold shit and you can’t cause you don’t got thumbs, bitch!

–Union Square Dog Park

Man, talking to his dog as he walks it: I don’t understand it. Why won’t you talk to me?

–W 225th St

Man to barking dog: Okay, okay, we’ll go to the park.

–75th & Madison

Overheard by: tb

Woman carrying tiny white dog in doggy bag, walking ahead of man carrying another tiny white dog in doggy bag: It’s a temporary separation.

–W 66th St

Overheard by: Susan Volchok

Big ghetto guy talking to dog: Look forward! You know what your problem is? You’re too fuckin’ beautiful! Someone gonna see you and steal you. And they won’t treat you as nice, they beat you and burn your ass. You know they eat dog? Chinese people eat dog! They chop you up with a butcher knife and serve you. You the main course… with a side of flied lice. Look forward!

–19th St

Overheard by: Intellectual Steakhead

Man, to small white dog: Hey puppy, I’m gonna kill you! [Turns to scared-looking Asian girl.] I was trying to make you laugh. I guess it didn’t work.

–29th b/w 7th & 8th

Posted on June 11, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Crazies, Crazy, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Homeless, Insults, Language Barrier, Men, Murder, Parks, Questions, Street, Threats, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

For the Last Time, I’d Just Had a Vanilla Milkshake

Chick: No, seriously, man, I think your cat has rabies…
Guy, offended: And I thought you had rabies when I come home and find you hiding in my curtain yesterday, but I didn’t say anything then, did I?

–Greenwich Village

Posted on June 1, 2008
Comebacks, Default, Girls, Guys, Illness, The Village, We Love Our Pets

Well We Do Have to Determine There Was No Foul Play

PetCo employee: If your goldfish dies within the first fifteen days, you can return it for a full refund.
Customer: Do I bring back the corpse?

–Union Square PetCo

Overheard by: Jenny

Posted on May 30, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Business and Commerce, Customers, Death, Default, Money & Class, Questions, Store, Union Square and East Village, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness

It’s Not a Party ’til Steve and Lucky Show Up

Bald white guy: You know Steve, right?
Asian woman: Steve? Who’s Steve?
Bald white guy: Oh, he’s the gay guy with the three-legged dog.

–43rd & 9th

Posted on May 19, 2008
Asians, Default, Guys, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Questions, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, White People, Women

It Stems Back to a Traumatic Experience Involving One of His Bitches

Salesperson to small shaking dog: Are you cold or scared?
Man holding small shaking dog: He’s afraid of dildos.

–Babeland, LES

Posted on May 9, 2008
Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Fears, Lower East Side, Questions, We Love Our Pets

He Could Sand the Side of a Boat with That Thing!

Girl #1: What the shit? They have dog lip chap?
Girl #2: That reminds me, I need to pick some up. Andy’s dick chafes my lips so bad.

–Le Chien

Overheard by: Amy Araya

Posted on April 12, 2008
BJs, Default, Friends, Girls, Health and Hygiene, Medicine, Penis, Relationships, Store, Upper East Side, We Love Our Pets

But It’s So Sexy When She Cleans Herself with Her Tongue

Guy: Do we have to get it spayed? I mean, male cats spray — what do females do?
Girl: They whine and howl and bleed all over the place.
Guy: So they do just what you do?
Girl: Basically, yeah.

–Columbia University

Posted on March 23, 2008
Columbia (& Barnard), Couples, Default, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Menstruation, Private Parts, We Love Our Pets

What Retired Spies Do for Entertainment

Wife: So, I’m allergic to cats.
Husband: And I’m allergic to dogs.
Wife: So there was no choice, really.
Old guy: But aren’t ferrets illegal here?
Husband: If the city can let those damn marsupial-sized rats run around the tracks, then I sure as hell can have a ferret!
Wife: Besides, do you have any idea how fun it is trying to smuggle a smelly, squeaking animal out of an apartment right past the chain-smoking landlord? Getting the damn thing to the vet is even funner!

–Penn Station

Posted on March 21, 2008
Animals & Nature, Couples, Crime and Punishment, Default, Guys, Old People, Penn Station, We Love Our Pets, Weirdness, Women

Wednesday One-Liners Are Getting Carpal Tunnel

Man on cell: So, my boss texted me and wanted to know about fleshlights…

–B train

Loud lady on cell: So you’re the one who sent me a text message saying, ‘A penis is the best breakfast because it has two eggs, a sausage, and milk’!

–Q25 bus

Chick on cell: You may have texted me about him, but because it was Halloween, I was too busy flogging dogs.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: McF.

Plagiarist: … And he sent me a text message saying, ‘I guess I have to do your homework now, L-O-L,’ and I’m like, ‘What’s the L-O-L for? You think this is a joke?!’

–Baruch Collge, Newman Vertical Campus

Overheard by: I Am McLovey

Girl on cell: They were texting you from downstairs? Oooh, that’s gay.

–Starbucks, Columbus Circle

Overheard by: Jenya

Posted on March 19, 2008
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Balls, Cell Phone, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Compare/Contrast, Default, Dildos and Vibrators, Education, Frat Boys, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Guys, Holidays, Murray Hill and Gramercy, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Bus, On the Subway, Penis, Sexuality, Starbucks, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, We Love Our Pets, Women

We Love Our Pets