Age/Aging

Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Bunch

Young lawyer: My little boy finally made the transition from diapers to "big boy" underwear. On his first day back to pre-school he dropped his trousers and showed the whole class his lightning McQueens.
Young lawyer: … And it created a domino effect of three-year-olds showing their undies.

–6 Train

Overheard by: POLA

Chick on cell: Better underwear than meth!

–Harlem

Overheard by: McFreaky

Boyfriend to girlfriend looking at lingerie in window: It’s kind of cold for that.

–University & 9th

Overheard by: Mary Crippen

Skank: So I’m thinking "Now I’ve got to get rid of those panties!"

–54th & 9th

Overheard by: thats gross

Earnest teen chick, calling to retreating waitress: Do you sell thongs? I’m serious, I really need them!

–Hard Rock Cafe, Times Square

Overheard by: Amanda

Man getting into elevator: … And she was all like "Hi, whatchu doin’?" And I was like "Whaaaat?" I didn’t know what to say, she was all over me, I could see her panties. [Everyone in elevator looks at him and laughs a little.] I mean, come on, we’re all adults in here. What was I supposed to do? Smile? Say "Hi" back?

–Elevator, Empire State Building

I Hear Them Whispering Together in the Wee Hours of the Morning

30-something guy #1: I seriously need to get laid.
30-something guy #2: Yeah ya do.
30-something guy #1: I feel like I’m 14 again, and all the boobs in the world are conspiring to drive me crazy…

–40th & 8th

Overheard by: Sympathetic

She’s Not Even the Toughest Woman on Avenue A

30ish girl, looking at twenty-year olds: Are they going on about how old they are? Oh, please.
45ish rocker chick: Yup, they are.
30ish girl: I think I’m older than they are!
45ish: Me too. From the look of things, they’re about the age of my first abortion.
30ish girl: [Chokes on beer.]45ish: Wonder how old that would be now?
30ish girl: Please stop.

–Double Down, Ave A

Overheard by: Happygirl

Not If She Fakes Orgasm –Then It’s Performance Art

NJ guy #1: So right after I left my parents house I met up with the hooker, best use of birthday money ever.
NJ guy #2: But you’re underage, that’s like illegal!

–McDonald’s, Times Square

Overheard by: Stewart Lane

Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

Did the Boy Oversleep, Too?

Big black guy: I thought she was goin’ to get an abortion?
Tiny Rican girl: Yeah, but she overslept and missed her appointment.
Big black guy: How do you miss an abortion appointment?!
Tiny Rican girl: Well she’s only seventeen, she’s not really responsible yet.
Big black guy, yelling: Well then maybe she shouldn’t have been thinking about sex yet! For Christ’s sake she missed her abortion appointment! What a whore!

–H&M, Brooklyn

Overheard by: SaraSil

Also, Stop Calling Yourself ‘Some 14 Year-Old’

Teen girl: So I found a picture of him on facebook, half-naked, being straddled by some fourteen-year-old with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. I swear, my brother has all of my precocity, but none of my charm.
Older guy: Oh yeah, and none of your humility either.

–96th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: kids these days…

Wednesday One-Liners Stray from the Syllabus

Professor: Old people will sign anything.

–Brooklyn College

Professor: What do you guys think of this poster? It annoys me. I would wear this on a t-shirt just to annoy people.

–Pratt Institute

Sociology professor: New York is a megalopolis, while Boston is only a metropolis, although Bostonites would argue that… Bostonites… Bostoners… Bostonians? Pshhh, whatever.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Philosophy professor, drawing: Here is the world… Here are some birds… And people. Here’s someone… Here’s someone hitting someone with an ax. Some people do axings… Some people don’t.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: no axings!

Old professor with French accent: Hot climate is associated in this book with passion or sex. I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.

–NYU Cantor Film Center

Overheard by: suddenly surrounded by students’ awkward snickers

Sociology professor: I’ll tell you a story that most people laugh hysterically at, but it actually makes me really sad… Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Hawkeye Just Wants an Audience

Supermarket stock guy, screaming into cell while loading cheese onto shelves: Yo! What up, punk ass! Call me back punk ass bitch!
[Hangs up cell and breaks into chorus of that “Oh What a Night (December ’63)” song.]100-year-old male shopper: ’63? You’re not even old enough to remember ’63.
Stock guy: Man, I was born in ’60. July 1960.
100-year-old male shopper: Oh, ’60, huh? I served in Korea…

–20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: LiAps

Until Uncle Walter Showed Me.

Girl #1: So, I watched that movie Thirteen the other night. It was awesome.
Girl #2: Yeah, that was a really good movie. The girls in that movie were so mature for 13-year-olds. When I was 13, I didn’t even know what an ovary was!

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

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