Wednesday One-Liners Make “Unsafe Requests”

Homeless man: Eliot Spitzer for President!… Make the White House the whorehouse!

–Battery Park

NYU guy: So my friend who works for Eliot Spitzer called me the other day and asked me to ask his roommate to delete all his emails. He didn’t say why, but then about two hours later I found out about the whole prostitute thing… And now I’m a little worried.

–NYU Bus

AmNY newspaper guy, handing out papers with Eliot Spitzer’s picture on the front page: $80,000 for a ho, and we can’t get a raise!

–Outside 33rd St Station, 33rd & Park

Crazy guy, speeding on a bicycle through a crowd: Don’t even think about it people! I gotta make a party at Spitzer’s in ten minutes!

–43rd & Lexington

Overheard by: Dan J

Old lady: Why, if I were young like you, I could be a call-girl to scum-of-the-earth Spitzer!

–Laundromat, 34th St, Long Island City

Posted on April 16, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Battery Park, Booty Call, Celebrations/Parties, Crazies, Fears, Guys, Men, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Money & Class, News, Nicknames & name calling, NYU, Offers and requests, Old People, On the Bus, Orgy, Pictures, Politics, President, Prostitution, Queens, Street, Students, Subway stations, platforms, etc., Time, Women, Words

Did the Boy Oversleep, Too?

Big black guy: I thought she was goin’ to get an abortion?
Tiny Rican girl: Yeah, but she overslept and missed her appointment.
Big black guy: How do you miss an abortion appointment?!
Tiny Rican girl: Well she’s only seventeen, she’s not really responsible yet.
Big black guy, yelling: Well then maybe she shouldn’t have been thinking about sex yet! For Christ’s sake she missed her abortion appointment! What a whore!

–H&M, Brooklyn

Overheard by: SaraSil

Posted on April 6, 2008
Abortion, Age/Aging, Black People, Brooklyn, Default, Gender issues, Girls, Guys, Insults, Puerto Ricans, Questions, Sex & Relationships, Store

Also, Stop Calling Yourself ‘Some 14 Year-Old’

Teen girl: So I found a picture of him on facebook, half-naked, being straddled by some fourteen-year-old with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. I swear, my brother has all of my precocity, but none of my charm.
Older guy: Oh yeah, and none of your humility either.

–96th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: kids these days…

Posted on April 6, 2008
Age/Aging, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Facebook, Girls, Guys, Nudity, Pictures, Sex & Relationships, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Stray from the Syllabus

Professor: Old people will sign anything.

–Brooklyn College

Professor: What do you guys think of this poster? It annoys me. I would wear this on a t-shirt just to annoy people.

–Pratt Institute

Sociology professor: New York is a megalopolis, while Boston is only a metropolis, although Bostonites would argue that… Bostonites… Bostoners… Bostonians? Pshhh, whatever.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Philosophy professor, drawing: Here is the world… Here are some birds… And people. Here’s someone… Here’s someone hitting someone with an ax. Some people do axings… Some people don’t.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: no axings!

Old professor with French accent: Hot climate is associated in this book with passion or sex. I think that I, for example, really never did have sex in a sub-zero temperature.

–NYU Cantor Film Center

Overheard by: suddenly surrounded by students’ awkward snickers

Sociology professor: I’ll tell you a story that most people laugh hysterically at, but it actually makes me really sad… Kind of like Napoleon Dynamite.

–Fordham University

Overheard by: Sromeo

Posted on April 2, 2008
Age/Aging, Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, All Wednesday One-Liners, Birds, Brooklyn College, Classroom, Clothing, College, Compare/Contrast, Default, Education, Fordham, Foreigners, Heat, Insults, Laughter, Murder, Names, NYU, Old People, Philosophy, School and studying, Sex, Teachers/Professors, The Village, U.S. Geography, Visual Art, Weapons, Weather, Weirdness, Words

Hawkeye Just Wants an Audience

Supermarket stock guy, screaming into cell while loading cheese onto shelves: Yo! What up, punk ass! Call me back punk ass bitch!
[Hangs up cell and breaks into chorus of that “Oh What a Night (December ’63)” song.]100-year-old male shopper: ’63? You’re not even old enough to remember ’63.
Stock guy: Man, I was born in ’60. July 1960.
100-year-old male shopper: Oh, ’60, huh? I served in Korea…

–20th St & 1st Ave

Overheard by: LiAps

Posted on April 1, 2008
9 to 5-ers, Age/Aging, Compare/Contrast, Default, Guys, History & Geography, Insults, Men, Old People, Singing, Store, Stuyvesant Town, War, Words

Until Uncle Walter Showed Me.

Girl #1: So, I watched that movie Thirteen the other night. It was awesome.
Girl #2: Yeah, that was a really good movie. The girls in that movie were so mature for 13-year-olds. When I was 13, I didn’t even know what an ovary was!

–Whole Foods, Columbus Circle

Posted on March 28, 2008
Age/Aging, Body Parts, Compare/Contrast, Default, Friends, Girls, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Movies, Whole Foods

Haha! You Said “Wednesday One-Liners”!

Professor: So, the probability you’re dealing with a straight is determined by what comes out the back end here.

–Statistics lecture, Columbia University

Overheard by: Chuckles

Blonde hairstylist to male customer: Men are easy. I could do 15 men a day.

–Upscale hair salon

NYU professor about expertise involved in determining chicken gender: When was the last time you turned over a chick?

–NYU

Biology professor: Homo erectus? Homosapiens? I don’t know… So many homos.

–Wagner College

Overheard by: Catherine

Prim older lady: You guys could eat out. Also, you could go out for dinner… Yes, I’m twelve.

–Relish, Williamsburg

Overheard by: Ursula and Winifred

Posted on March 26, 2008
Advice, Age/Aging, Barbers and hairdressers, Barbershop, College, Columbia (& Barnard), Columbia University, Default, Eating Out, Education, NYU, Old People, Restaurants & Cafes, Science, Sex, Sexuality, Staten Island, Teachers/Professors, The Village, Williamsburg, Women, Words

The Wednesday One-Liner Says, “Move on Back”

Bus driver to lady at stop: There are three more buses behind me! They like to stick together! They don’t like to be alone!

–B41 bus

Bus drive: Next stop, Queensborough Community College — where dreams come true. If you ever thought of going back to college, but are too scared, thinking, ‘Oh, I’m too old,’ well, you should go to school. Now arriving at QCC… And remember, knowledge is power.

–Q27 Bayside bus

Overheard by: Caro-kun

Bus driver, about traffic jam: Ladies and gentlemen, Fifth Avenue will be the next stop. We will be arriving in seven to ten days. [Minutes later] Attention! The waiter will be around shortly to take your dinner orders. The next crosstown movie will be Gone with the Wind.

–M79 bus

Bus driver: Does anyone know the route once we get to the airport? If you do, please step forward.

–M60 bus to LaGuardia

Overheard by: Stephen B.

Bus driver to woman running towards the stop as the bus slows down: Calm down, lady! There isn’t any crack that way! Relax!

–Atlantic Ave

Bus driver, as passengers are disembarking: Leave my kingdom. Education is just two minutes away.

–B1 bus, Kingsborough College

Overheard by: Robert

Posted on March 26, 2008
Advice, Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Brooklyn, Bus Drivers, Default, Education, Laughter, Nice People, NYC Geography, Offers and requests, On the Bus, Only in New York, Public Transportation, Questions, Time

Uncle Tom’s Wednesday One-Liners

Short, fat sista: If she was only around my age, then I wouldn’t mind a slave for life.

–27th & 7th

Overheard by: tuna on rye

White guy in scrubs: Wow. Now I know what it felt like to be in the bottom of a slave ship.

–Crowded Franklin Ave 2/3/4/5 platform, Brooklyn

Overheard by: pmd

Punk girl to friend: I’m going to make him my Ukrainian sex slave!

–N 4th St & Driggs Ave

Overheard by: Hipsterrrrrs

Dude: Yeah, well, let me say this in English — she got arrested for selling people…

–Madison Square Garden

Black girl watching Asian girl mop floor: Slavery is back!

–NYFA, Union Square

Overheard by: kswin

Posted on March 19, 2008
Age/Aging, All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Compare/Contrast, Crime and Punishment, Default, Doctors, Fat People, Foreigners, Girls, Global Geography, Guys, History & Geography, Madison Square Garden, Penn Station, Punks, S&M, The Bronx, Union Square and East Village, White People, Women

But Isn’t That Malt Liquor in Your Carriage?

Black woman with baby carriage to people trying to push in: What’s the matter with you mothafuckahs? Are the goddamn stairs broken?
Old black man: You take the stairs, bitch! I’m a veteran! I fought for my goddamn country, and now you won’t make room for me in a goddamn elevator?! [Doors close, leaving old black man out.]Black woman with baby carriage: Fuck his old ass. Women and children first.

–Civil Court, 141 Livingston St, Brooklyn

Overheard by: Big Larry

Posted on February 28, 2008
Age/Aging, Black People, Brooklyn, Comebacks, Default, Gripes, Health and Hygiene, Men, Old People, War, Women

Age/Aging