Businesschick: I was standing next to this hot guy on the train this morning and all I could think about was how bad my scallions smelled.
–43rd & Broadway
Dude: Vegetables don’t have calories. That’s why Japanese people are so skinny.
–Autozone, Bed-Stuy
Overheard by: Norm
Woman: First of all, he was too tall for the carrot costume. And he was all twitchy…and sweaty. And his eyes were popping out.
–F train
Drinking college co-ed: It was like, my brain shut off, and my genitals went ‘woo-hoo!’
–60th & Amsterdam
Guy on cell: Sorry, I couldn’t make it. I was tied up. Hopefully, next time it’ll be you.
–116th & Broadway
Gay black man to black woman: Girl, I know the perfect guy for you. He will beast fuck you. He will fuck you like a white girl.
–Greenwich & 7th Ave
Overheard by: Artie
Black guy: I’ll do the wheelbarrow on the first date, I don’t give a fuck!
–Downtown 6 train
Overheard by: biz
Girl in bathroom stall: How many guys can I sleep with in a week and not be a slut?
–Soundz Lounge, Lasalle St & Broadway
Girl: I wondered why you kept talking about pony play!
–Elevator, 168th St & Broadway
Overheard by: Peter Pecker
Well-dressed man on cellphone: He must have had a dildo in his pants, and she grabbed onto that. It’s the only way they could have worked it.
–La Giancoma, second intermission, Metropolitan Opera
Overheard by: Schroeder
Conductor: Last call for trash… Last call for trash… One last, desperate call for trash…
–Amtrak, Penn Station
Overheard by: wondering why he wanted trash so badly
Lady: I can say this without any rancor in my heart: She is a piece of human garbage.
–Houston & Hudson
Overheard by: Harriet Vane
JAP on cell: Ugh, I hate when they ask me to buy a Coach purse! I wouldn’t even buy it retail. Like, really, do I look like white trash?
–Canal St
Conductor: Ladies and gentlemen, this is a reminder not to litter on the trains… ‘Cause if you litter, I’ll get all up in your grill like George Foreman. Thank you.
–R train, Whitehall station
Overheard by: creepy
Guy on cell: Guess what I did yesterday? I peed in a bottle… Wait, that’s not even the best part! Afterward, I threw it down the trash chute. What? Too much information?
–33rd St, between 3rd & Lex
Overheard by: Emily Duncanson
Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.
–Bleecker & Broadway
Overheard by: Jekke
Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod… Yeah, it’s awesome! All I need now is a job, and I’m totally set!
–Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd
Overheard by: Pedro Van
Dude: I think my iPod’s gay.
–23rd St F stop
Overheard by: Eliot
Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?… iPod! I am thinking, ‘He is going to lose his pants!’ And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, ‘Why he not dead yet?’
–Fordham University, Lincoln Center
Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!
–Crowded A train
Overheard by: Neal Mortimer
Hot black girl: Where did summer go? Now we're all back to wearing glasses and snorting Adderall… or taking it with water.
–24th St & 3rd Ave
Guy to friend: If I just gave up speed I'd totally be getting more ass.
–Bleecker & LaGuardia
Overheard by: Jack
Guy to another: Yeah, so you take a gram of coke, then mix it with a ground-up Xanax, then mash up an E. Then you put it all into pill form, and down it with a Sparks!
–N Train
Architecture professor: Everything in moderation… except for heroin. Heroin, you go for the gusto.
–Pratt Institute
Overheard by: Denali
3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!
–4 Train
Overheard by: i tried that once
Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.
–Cosi Restaurant
Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?
–Crumbs Bake Shop
Overheard by: Damon
Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!
–7th Ave
Overheard by: Good Analogy
Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!
–Christopher & W 4th St
Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!
–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom
Overheard by: Ilyssa
Student: I just always assumed everyone’s love of integrals.
–John Jay Hall, Columbia
Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, ‘Jimmy cracked corn,’ and shit. She was lovin’ it.
–A train, 42nd St
Overheard by: Ilyse
Man: I did scream, ‘I love you Lindsay Lohan!’ when I saw her at the costume thing, but that’s just ’cause everyone else was.
–20th & 5th
Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.
–Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn
Overheard by: liza
Conductor: I know you’ve heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.
–Metro-North
Overheard by: Mark Schilsky
Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!
–3rd & 2nd
Overheard by: Chuckles
Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."
–Central Park
Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!
–Duane Reade, Flushing
Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!
–7th Ave, Park Slope
10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.
–2nd Ave & 9th St
Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!
–6 Train
Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!
–84th St & Amsterdam
Wannabe hipster girl: There’s this band called ‘The Dandy Warhols.’ I, like, always confuse them with Andy Warhol.
–The Knitting Factory
Overheard by: jengray
Tween girl: Duran Duran was not a Duran or a Duran, so just cease and desist.
–Borders near Penn Station
Overheard by: Mobtown Boy
20-ish guy to friend: Man, the way he sang ‘Humpty Dumpty’ was just incredible. When he sings it you have no idea he’s singing about an egg.
–59th & Lex station
Late-20s chick in Blink 182 shirt, on cell: Well, that’s it, then. She obviously doesn’t espouse or believe in the aesthetic of Blink 182, so she’s out. We can’t be friends with her anymore.
–The Mercury Lounge
Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.
–Outside NYU Dorm
Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?
–LIRR, Penn Station
Overheard by: Laura
Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.
–7 Train
Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!
–Runway Strip, JFK
Overheard by: PSUny
