Wednesday One-Liners for the Pod People

Hipster girl: You really need to hear his podcast about how technology is raping our souls.

–Bleecker & Broadway

Overheard by: Jekke

Hipster on cell: So I just got my new iPod… Yeah, it’s awesome! All I need now is a job, and I’m totally set!

–Stillwater, E 4th & 2nd

Overheard by: Pedro Van

Dude: I think my iPod’s gay.

–23rd St F stop

Overheard by: Eliot

Chemistry teacher: I am not liking annoying sound. Today on subway there was man with pants, like, here [motions to mid-thigh] and loud, how you call?… iPod! I am thinking, ‘He is going to lose his pants!’ And he stand on crowded train and sing with iPod. He give us concert, and am I thinking, ‘Why he not dead yet?’

–Fordham University, Lincoln Center

Little boy, about man blaring music from cell: Geez, just get an iPod, dude!

–Crowded A train

Overheard by: Neal Mortimer

Posted on November 23, 2014
All Wednesday One-Liners, iPod, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Are My Anti-Drug

Hot black girl: Where did summer go? Now we're all back to wearing glasses and snorting Adderall… or taking it with water.

–24th St & 3rd Ave

Guy to friend: If I just gave up speed I'd totally be getting more ass.

–Bleecker & LaGuardia

Overheard by: Jack

Guy to another: Yeah, so you take a gram of coke, then mix it with a ground-up Xanax, then mash up an E. Then you put it all into pill form, and down it with a Sparks!

–N Train

Architecture professor: Everything in moderation… except for heroin. Heroin, you go for the gusto.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: Denali

Posted on November 22, 2014
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Wednesday One-Liners–Not for the Calorie-Conscious

3rd grader, cheerily announcing to subway: I'm starving! I didn't even have breakfast! (jubilantly) Just candy!

–4 Train

Overheard by: i tried that once

Cosi employee to another: Dude, don't tell anyone, but I put a *special ingredient* in the brownies.

–Cosi Restaurant

Fat girl with three skinny friends and a large cupcake: So what do you think our cupcake choices say about our personalities?

–Crumbs Bake Shop

Overheard by: Damon

Old guy with ponytail: You bootlegged My Bloody Valentine? That's like breaking into the US Mint and stealing the chocolate sauce!

–7th Ave

Overheard by: Good Analogy

Girl: And by "jellybean," I mean "fetus"!

–Christopher & W 4th St

Woman: It's no longer a chocolate vagina, it's just a pool of chocolate!

–Manhattan Center Grand Ballroom

Overheard by: Ilyssa

Posted on November 22, 2014
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Wednesday One-Liners Start a Love Train

Student: I just always assumed everyone’s love of integrals.

–John Jay Hall, Columbia

Dude: I had her up against the wall and was all like, ‘Jimmy cracked corn,’ and shit. She was lovin’ it.

–A train, 42nd St

Overheard by: Ilyse

Man: I did scream, ‘I love you Lindsay Lohan!’ when I saw her at the costume thing, but that’s just ’cause everyone else was.

–20th & 5th

Man on cell: No, not that Jim. The Jim who loves acid and foie gras.

–Metropolitan & Union, Brooklyn

Overheard by: liza

Conductor: I know you’ve heard of the love boat. Well, this is the love train.

–Metro-North

Overheard by: Mark Schilsky

Guy to girlfriend at table of friends: You just love my average-sized cock!

–3rd & 2nd

Overheard by: Chuckles

Posted on November 22, 2014
About Celebrities, All Wednesday One-Liners, Drugs, Education, Food, Movies, Penis, Public Transportation, Science, Wednesday One-Liners, Wednesday One-Liners Vary

Wednesday One-Liners Expand Their Fecabulary

Cyclist: So he was all, "my shit is your shit," and I thought, "that's the most romantic thing I've heard."

–Central Park

Dude on cell, checking out sunblock: They don't have shit here. SPF 15 is too high!

–Duane Reade, Flushing

Toddler that dropped his toy: Oh, shit!

–7th Ave, Park Slope

10-year-old boy to friend: That was like the first time I ever took a shit in a public bathroom.

–2nd Ave & 9th St

Man in baggy jeans walking with gusto: Oh, yes, oh yeah. She wanted my shiiit… She wanted my shit!

–6 Train

Chick to friends: He is totally going to shit a tampon!

–84th St & Amsterdam

Posted on November 21, 2014
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A Wednesday One-Liners Reunion Tour

Wannabe hipster girl: There’s this band called ‘The Dandy Warhols.’ I, like, always confuse them with Andy Warhol.

–The Knitting Factory

Overheard by: jengray

Tween girl: Duran Duran was not a Duran or a Duran, so just cease and desist.

–Borders near Penn Station

Overheard by: Mobtown Boy

20-ish guy to friend: Man, the way he sang ‘Humpty Dumpty’ was just incredible. When he sings it you have no idea he’s singing about an egg.

–59th & Lex station

Late-20s chick in Blink 182 shirt, on cell: Well, that’s it, then. She obviously doesn’t espouse or believe in the aesthetic of Blink 182, so she’s out. We can’t be friends with her anymore.

–The Mercury Lounge

Posted on November 21, 2014
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Wednesday One-Liners? Please Hold.

Guy on cell: I'm gonna come over and give you a big hug before doomsday.

–Outside NYU Dorm

Guy holding up drunk friend: I have to hug the fat kid?! Why don't you try hugging a fat kid?

–LIRR, Penn Station

Overheard by: Laura

Hobo to startled girl: If you give me a dollar I won't hug you.

–7 Train

Small boy, loudly, after some take-off turbulence: The plane is going down… Everybody hug!

–Runway Strip, JFK

Overheard by: PSUny

Posted on November 21, 2014
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Take Me Out to the Wednesday One-Liner Game

Drunk NYU dude: You guys know that loose skin around your shaft or whatever? Push it over the tip of your dick. It feels like you have three balls. Three balls! Fucking sweet!

–NYU

Overheard by: Quippy Pasqual

Dude: I swear to god dude, I can feel my balls moving from side to side today!

–5th Ave

Hipster girl: Balls have no place in my mouth. Gum, chicken, or any other kind.

–F Train

Overheard by: Teabag

Loud fat black chick : I wanna kiss the balls of the person who made these cookies.

–Broadway

Overheard by: sounds yummy

Meathead on cell: I got some good shit for you for the gym. Shoot this shit in your ass three times a week and you'll look like The Incredible Hulk in no time… I can't believe you're doing all this stuff to impress your wife. We'll see how impressed she is when you don't have any balls anymore because you're on steroids. Who knows, maybe she'll start fucking me instead.

–48th & 8th

Overheard by: vicky

Guy on phone: I know classical music well enough to know that Vivaldi had no balls.

–42nd St & 10th Ave

Posted on November 19, 2014
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Wednesday One-Liners for the Fine Young Cannibals

Hipster: Everyone I know is either married, divorced, gay or crazy.

–37th St, Astoria

Overheard by: Matthias Sundberg

Karaoke panhandler singing Gnarls Barkley: "Does that make me craaaaazy? Maybe I'm craaaaaazy!" It's Memorial Day and I'm sitting here singing to people I never met before in my life. Mmmmmm…craaaazy!

–Times Square Subway Station

Black woman to janitor companion: I am so glad I live in the ghetto. These motherfuckers down here are crazy! (companion nods) And I live in the ghe-tto, 2 train ghetto.

–22nd St & 5th Ave

Hobo, watching man and woman having sex against a statue: I think I'm going to have to move to Europe or something. This place is getting too crazy.

–Madison Square Park

Overheard by: Westsider

30-something guy on cell: Well, that's what my crazy sister said about my more crazy sister.

–Broadway & 114th St

Overheard by: mary e.

Little boy in abandoned shopping cart: I've gotta get off this crazy train!

–Target, Atlantic Ave

Posted on November 19, 2014
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Wednesday One-Liners Forget the Safe Word

Tall 30-something: With my corporate job, I couldn't afford a studio at $1,850 per month, so then I became a dominatrix. But after a while, it takes over your life. You end up thinking "Well, I don't have anyone to beat up today, I'll just online shop." So I had to stop."

–54th St & 10th Ave, in Line for The Daily Show

Man on phone: Oh…but I thought you said to leave $500 for you to pick up. (pause) I'm sorry mistress…I'm sorry mistress.

–Broome b/w Mercer & Greene

Guy on cell in line for NJ transit bus: Call me daddy. Call me daddy! Now slap that ass. I can't hear that, slap that ass harder! Yeah, that's what I like.

–Port Authority

Overheard by: Eric

Woman on cell: I'm going to spank you. Can I do that?

–Barnes & Noble

Overheard by: shelallie

Enthusiastic guy to friends: I probably could've whipped better today.

–Midtown

Overheard by: Eric

Six-year-old girl to little boys wrestling: Guys, why don't you to it to me? …cuz I don't care. My stomach hurts already. Guys, why don't you push me down? Because I like it!

–Central Park

Overheard by: nosey nafia

Posted on November 19, 2014
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