All Wednesday One-Liners

Wednesday One-Liners. (Allegedly)

Snooty female 30-something to friend: Pap-smears are, to me, the new fake eyelashes.

–Upper East Side

Overheard by: ianbobian

Aggressive New Yorker: So he pulls out his fucking fake-ass parking pass, and I pull out my gun. And I'm like "you still wanna park here, asshole? Go ahead!"

–60th St & Broadway

Screaming drunk girl to slightly sober guy: If you're going to be fake to me, at least be fake to my face!

–LIRR

Overheard by: Really!?!?

Girl on cell: Okay, call me when you're done entertaining the fake Jews.

–Cafe, Church & Walker

Loud woman: No, it was a fake. I'd have to like, sleep with him to get the real one, you know?

–Hester & Mott

Overheard by: Jensel

I’d Give an Arm and a Leg for a Wednesday One-Liner

Young society reject to same: You’re the psycho-freak out! You touch people’s ears at random!

–AMC Theatre at Lincoln Center

Overheard by: G-Lime

A woman to friend: My friend just became a manicurist. She had her first client today and she only has one hand.

–Forham University

Woman almost forgetting her sunglasses: I would lose my ass if it wasn’t attached to my neck!

–A Train

Overheard by: Don

Student: I think the guy selling cell phones on the street made off with my uterus.

–Touro College of Osteopathis, Harlem

Coworker to another: You have thighs now. When you came here, you had no thighs.

–1250 Broadway

Suit #1 to suit #2: He has the feet of a nine-year-old girl!

–44th & Lexington

Wednesday One-Liners Kinda Miss Bush's Speeches

President: Are they de-seminating the office?…I mean decimating?

–40th & Madison Ave

Overheard by: EScrillz

Girl reading poster: The fastest… (pause) "fastest." Is that a word?

–42nd St AMC Theatre

Overheard by: Steph

Man on cell: Yeah, well that's what the beasting is for!

–Penn Station

Woman to friends: You know me, I say what I speak.

–Fordham Road

Frenchman trying to learn English: I was a beef with those potatoes!

–TGI Fridays, Times Square

Overheard by: CS

Hipster art student to friend: As much as…like…whatever, like.

–School of Visual Arts

Overheard by: I guess that's English

Tourist: I feel so elated! Wait…no, I mean, "violated."

–Uptown 3 Train

Overheard by: Sally Tempo

The Island of Dr. Wednesday One-Liners

Man on cell: Was there a lot of bleeding? [unintelligible reply] Well, was it four sheep or five? [reply] We have to find a way to separate the cows from the sheep.

–Elevator, 56th & 8th

Drunk girl, yelling: All I want is a llama! Another cocktail and a llama!

–Terminal 5

Dude: So you’re enjoying acting, LA, monogamy, horses?

–Cafe Esperanto

Chick to friend: I don’t care how well you clean it, I am not doing shots out of that alligator!

–TriBeCa

Overheard by: lalala

Swanky pin-stripe suit on cellphone: The little shit will definitely get approved. He’s as healthy as a French gay ox.

–51st & 3rd

Overheard by: IG

Young black dude: You know the movie The Lion King? Yeah The Lion King! …You know, the one with all the tigers.

–4 Train

Overheard by: BQM lady

Man: Manatees are the most peaceful creatures in the world… They get hit by motor boats!

–Astor Place

Wednesday XXX-Liners

Overly flamboyant gay guy on phone: There is no way he can put himself through law school doing hardcore gay porn!

–Soho

Overheard by: Anastassia

Gay boy to another: Pornstars make good money.

–L Train

Girl: He wants to make money, but all his plans involve me being in porn. You know how long it takes to make a $1000 in porn? Three months!

–Destination Bar, 13th & Ave A

Overheard by: erkala

Heavyset dude to chick watching the Olympics: So I was watching curling porn the other day…

–Lucky Jack's bar, Orchard St.

Overheard by: Ladle

Guy to friend: I saw that girl in a porn video last night. She has a cock.

–William & Cedar

Overheard by: Laura

Wednesday Caniners

Stylish 20-something woman to overweight pug breathing heavily: Well, Winifred, you're out of breath because you're out of shape. (pause) No, you're not fat. You're voluminous. (pause) Yes, I am aware it's not all your fault. Mummy likes to watch you eat powder doughnuts. (pause) Pugs that look like they have a coke habit are very funny for mummy, yes they are.

–Central Park

Young hipster to Labrador, as people approach: Come on! Come on! Say hello! (dog remains seated, doing nothing) God! I've been training him for months to talk to couples and it just isn't working!

–Williamsburg

Woman to her dog: Don't be an insult to your species! Act like a dog!

–10th St & Broadway

Lady to little barking dog: Shut up. This is not your sidewalk.

–Brooklyn

Wednesday One-Liners Will See You at the Ren Fair

Woman: She had sex with a dragon. She had sex with a dragon! I keep seeing her and wantin’ to ask, “Yo, how’s the dragon?”

–Ollie’s, 69th & Broadway

Overheard by: Nick Draven

Virgin-For-Life on cell: Did you vanquish the dragon?…Yo, I told you to vanquish the dragon! Dumb ass nigga. Damn.

–Gristedes, West Village

Overheard by: KoryD

Nanny to little boy: I think each country must have its own Tooth Fairy.

–5th & President, Park Slope

Overheard by: b

Hipster on cell: It’s cooler, and you’re a vampire. Ok, I get it.

–6th St & 1st Ave

Easy, Breezy, Beautiful: Wednesday One-Liners

Woman on phone: So, should I continue not being a whore or should I go get an emergency Brazilian?

–Lexington Ave & 58th

Girl to friend: No, I can't do tomorrow afternoon. I am getting waxed for the weekend. Just in case.

–3rd Ave & 80th St

Salesgirl to customer: You so have an exfoliating face!

–Sephora, 57th & Lexington

Overheard by: Amanda

Creepy hobo on payphone: So, you're doing your nails? Mmmmmm…

–Bleecker & Thompson

Overheard by: Thompson

Girl with pounds of makeup on: Yeah, I'm going on lunch right now. I am so exhausted, I did five makeovers today. Yeah, I am so tired…I had a butch.

–Elevator, Macy's

Overheard by: K Melv

Thug: All I want is a mani-pedi.

–72nd & Central Park West

Overheard by: wb

Wednesday One-Liners for the Sociopaths

Teen boy: I was laughing ’cause this girl had no legs…

–175th & Ft. Washington

Latina on cell: Who died? Anna? How!? Hahaha! Finally.

–Jefferson & Wyckoff, Ridgewood

Dude: And she’s mad at me, ’cause I, like, kept telling her she sucked last week.

–Hunter College High School

Overheard by: i would be too

Blonde lady: I mean, it was only fun to tease the homeless woman for so long.

–1 train

Overheard by: Ein Ladle

Suit on Blackberry: I don’t give a fuck about other countries. To be honest, I only really give a fuck about myself. Starving black kids, welfare moms… Fuckin’ A! What gives?

–12th & 4th

Overheard by: Galen

Chick: I really wish he’d lost his whole finger — that’s what he deserves.

–Whole Foods salad bar, Time Warner Center

High-Motility Wednesday One-Liners

Professor: Skeet is when a man pulls out of the vagina or anus and has an orgasm on the man or woman. It’s also come to refer to the ejaculate itself.

–NYU classroom

Woman on cell: Nice. I just realized I’ve been wandering around with doughnut glaze stuck to my cheek like dried cum.

–44th & 8th

Sex ed teacher: The penis can’t urinate and, um, spermate at the same time.

–Berkeley Carroll School, Park Slope

Overheard by: i believe it’s ejaculate

Man on cell: I hired you to be a fucking porn director, not to make some artsy documentary! I mean, she’s supposed to get that on her face!

–Times Square

Woman to her Grizzly Adams-like companion: But, honey, you don’t have any sperm!

–Penn Station

Overheard by: Marissa

Guy on cell: Yeah, I called the sperm bank and told them your test came back positive… Yeah, they said it was no big deal.

–114th & Amsterdam

Dude on cell: I just ordered some soup and am drinking tea, so we’re on the same page. Except about cum, it seems.

–Office, Midtown

Overheard by: Argopelter

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