Guy on cell: But he didn’t get shot…Oh, the old man’s dead? Niiiice!
–Starbucks, 57th St
Little Boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what I dreamt about last night? I dreamt I was dead!
–Star Diner, 77th & 1st
Overheard by: Fruit Salad
Commuter: Well, I’d rather do it for a dead person than a handicapped one.
–LIRR train
Overheard by: LIRRider
Guy #1, to guy #2: I don’t want you to freak out about this, man, but when I die I want you by my side.
–Union Square
Hobo to chick: You’re looking nice this evening! [She ignores him.] Normally you look like shit.
–Lafayette & White
Hobo eating entire roast chicken: You got a quarter for some food? Haven’t eaten in days.
–73rd & Broadway
Overheard by: mosugs
Hobo: Hey, look! It’s everyone’s favorite bum! [He’s ignored.] Oh, geez, that went over well.
–Outside Gray’s Papaya
Overheard by: Zach
Hobo to high school students: Hey, kids — stay smart, stay in school… Yeah! Be cool, stay in school! Someone’s got to arrest me one day!
–60th & 10th
Hobo: The fed done lowered interest rates again! You gentlemen get to keep mo’ money in yo’ pocket. Please donate a dollar to help me keep these financial updates as a free service.
–Beaver St
Overheard by: Big Larry
Hobo: I take American Express!
–West Village
Overheard by: Only had a Visa
Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, please help keep our trains moving. Get out and push!
–A train
Bag lady on pay phone: Well, I’ll admit that she’s cold, but I don’t know about manipulative.
–Times Square
Jewish girl: She signs up for JDate, goes out to dinner, and is engaged in four months. I sign up for JDate, and I go out to dinner with a duck. What the hell!
–Astoria
Suit on cell: That's what you get when you start dating at age 18 while volunteering in a Croatian refugee camp.
–M66 Bus
Female 30-something suit: Why would you think I don't have taste in men just because I'd do a guy with a hook, or a guy in a wheelchair?
–31st & Crescent, Astoria
Loud woman on cell: It's called "communication," Larry! Communication! You are such an idiot!
–3rd Ave b/w 40th & 41st
Overheard by: Tom
College guy to friend: I don't understand it, man. Every time I go out with this girl, like her vagina is showing.
–8th St & University
Man on cell: 26 years? Damn! After 26 days, I'd be all like, "bitch, I love you and all, but the next word that comes outta yo mouth, I'm gonna have to bash yo head in with a frying pan. I'm sicka hearin' the sound of yo voice!" No, of course I don' mean that, baby.
–JFK Airport
Overheard by: Riot
Chick on cell: It was amazing! We spent the entire night together. We really connected. It just doesn’t seem like his wife knows him at all… Well, okay, Dad, gotta run. Love you, too.
–Smith & Baltic, Brooklyn
JAP with coldsore: I can’t date Jewish guys anymore. I mean, I really like Jewish guys, but I can’t stand them. Just because I’m dating someone, it doesn’t mean I can’t have sex with someone else!
–Murray Hill Diner
Chick: I thought it was bad being cheated on with an underage albino, but at least she wasn’t a fat tranny.
–42nd St
Girl on cell: I really had to talk about it, and I knew I couldn’t leave anything about our relationship on his answering machine! His wife listens to that! And his kids!
–67th & Broadway
Hipster chick: The married one I was having an affair with — if he MySpaced me, it’d be rude not to MySpace his wife, right?
–Mott & Prince
NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise…
–St. Mark’s & 3rd
Overheard by: Lexey
Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I’d kill him.
–Freddy’s Bar, Brooklyn
Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn’t know it because I came out black.
–Museum Mile
Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot… No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you’d have to try out and stuff, but it’d so be worth it.
–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St
Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!
–Cardozo High School
MTA elevator operator to another: You don’t have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.
–1 train station elevator, 168th St
Overheard by: martin gehrke
Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she’s messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!
–Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights
Overheard by: dutchman
Woman on cell: This is the same girl who has G-strings where her forks and knives should go.
–2nd St & Ave B
Salesgirl: Do you want your boobies up or down?
–Victoria’s Secret, Manhattan Mall
Overheard by: Linda
Woman: I told Terrence not to pack that stuff in my carry-on. Security threw out all my Victoria Secrets!
–Starbucks, La Guardia airport
Overheard by: Allears
Girl: Only fat girls and porn stars wear Ds. I want to be a C!
–Victoria’s Secret, 57th St
Man: Do you want to get some maternity underwear to make you feel sexy?
–Greene St & Prince St
Overheard by: deadzebra
Man: Are you a Jehovah’s Witness? ‘Cause I don’t want you comin’ to my house unless you’re going to drop your panties!
–PATH train
Overheard by: blkgirl
Girl on cell: Dad? Hi. I just bought a lot of panties at Victoria’s Secret. Can you reimburse me? Dad?
–Broadway & Prince St
Overheard by: djingo
Man on cell: Yo Hamster! Oh, hey Tomato, whats goin’ on?
–Bx12 bus
Overheard by: Courtney C
Girl on cell: I swear it had to be 8 or 9 inches long…yeah I know, I was shocked. It was the biggest damned cockroach I have ever seen…yes, a roach, what did you think I was talking about?
–Bx9 bus
Overheard by: ogie
Bus driver: Next stop 3rd Avenue. We’ll be arriving in a week to 10 days…Anyone want to get off here? That’ll be $50. Send me a check.
–M14D bus
Overheard by: Sherri
Guy walking by himself: I wish everybody who is not mentally ill would just drop dead!
–9th St, Park Slope
Overheard by: Rear Admiral Butts
Guy (admiringly, to attractive girl passing by): Damn, girl, I wish you were a guy!
–14th St & 1st Ave
Ditzy girl to another, about her boyfriend: He's teaching himself philosophy right now. He bought a philosophy dictionary. He can do that, you know, because he's so smart. I wish I could do that!
–Astoria
Overheard by: squarehand
Young guy to girl: Dude, I wish Dali was still around so he could do my album.
–Museum of Modern Art
Overheard by: Gino
Serious girl: I wish I had gotten the ovaries!
–Korean Baptist Church, Astoria
Overheard by: Evan
Girl: These fish are big, yo! Or is this tank magnetic?
–Petland, Greenpoint
Overheard by: miles
