All Wednesday One-Liners

People Move to New York to Escape Their Wednesday One-Liners

Man introducing lady friend to pal: This is Lucille, my ex-wife… She’s my second cousin… She was also my second wife.

–136th St, Harlem

Middle-aged woman: I have such a bad memory! I know, I know. I know. There are times I go to my daughter, ‘How do I spell my name?’

–D train

Overheard by: Jess McGins

Loud woman on cell: She’s evil! Don’t you know she killed mama? That’s the family secret!

–Q83 bus

Overheard by: It’s Jady, BiTChesss!!

Guy talking on cell: I completely understand that she was pissed off, but I mean, come on! She did hit her sister in the head with an iron!

–11th Ave

Lady: So, I bought my niece a gift. I don’t know why… She’s such an ungrateful little bitch.

–Grand Central

Man on cell: … So she said, ‘There’s no easy way to tell you this, so I’m just gonna say it… You have a four-year-old son.’

–26th & Park

Overheard by: Nick

What's a Nice Wednesday One-Liner Like You Doing in a Place Like This?

Guy to girl with afro crossing the street: Hey gorgeous! Gorgeous! Let me massage your kinky tips!

–8th Ave & W 4th

Comedy club promoter to hot girl: Hi, do you like comedy? (girl keeps walking) Okay, do you like skinny white guys then?

–42nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Galina

Young boy reading aloud in halting monotone: I like that outfit. It would look great crumpled up on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning. You have 206 bones in your body, want one more?

–Borders, Kips Bay

Overheard by: Emily

Fat white guy in Mets jersey to hot blonde: Hello, my name is Tom and I'm horny. (blonde keeps walking)

–Lexington & 50th

Black man to female passerby: S'cuse me miss… Not to seem rude, but to be honest…for a white girl, you got a nice butt.

–5th Ave

Conductor on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, this last weekend I went to a club…never again. I walked in, sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. I saw a beautiful lady across the bar, went up to her and said, "Where have you been all my life?" She said back to me "I think for the first half of your life, I wasn't born." This is 59th, Columbus circle, have a good day, ladies and gentlemen.

–A Train

Don’t Get Your Wednesday One-Liners in a Twist!

Hot British chick on cell, looking through her bag: Oh, dear! I still have your knickers!

–Outside FIT

Overheard by: epsd101

Disgusted teen to pals: You don’t put dirty underwear in a Marc Jacobs handbag!

–75th & Park

Overheard by: Oh to be Priveledged…

Whiny girl: I feel so shitty tonight, like if my D cups were B cups or something.

–Grand Central

Overheard by: Trixie

Asian guy to another: By the end of the summer, both of us better be A cups!

–Bronx Science

Overheard by: LSB

Girl: What do you mean you don’t know?! Look in your underwear!

–12th & 1st

Overheard by: Thinking about my tighty-whities

Wednesday One-Liners Get Swept Away in Masses Of Humanity

Tourist: Hey look, it's 42nd Street! They named it after a Broadway show.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Really? REALLY!?!

Tourist dad, as shuttle to Grand Central comes in: No! We need to take the purple to Grand Central Station, then the green!

–Times Square Shuttle Platform

Overheard by: D-Law

Male tourist, watching stranger propose underneath Christmas tree: Hey buddy, did you go to Jared?

–Rockefeller Center

Southern tourist lady, as subway stops: Oh no, I think the train ran out of gas!

–F Train

Overheard by: Matt

Southern tourist: I guess the birds ate all the hands off the statues.

–The Cloisters, Harlem

Overheard by: M@

Wednesday One-Liners Will Do Anything but the Macarena

Hipster girl: I didn’t do too much… I had a dance-off with a shark…

–East Village

Overheard by: hoping she won

Conductor: No train Hokey Pokey! Either you’re in or you’re out!

–7 train, Grand Central

Overheard by: 7 train day tornado hit brooklyn

40-ish blonde on cell: So, he thought it was going to be more than a dinner date. That prick wanted to bang me after dinner. I just wanted a dance partner I could throw away at the end of the night.

–39th & 3rd

Overheard by: Mark

Street performer, to crowd: Get closer — we don’t have weapons… Don’t be scared, it’s just black guys dancing!

–New York Public Library

Guy to female passersby, about Chuck Taylors: My grandmother had a pair of those shoes. She used to breakdance with a wooden leg.

–Paul Ave, Bronx

Overheard by: Lillian

Wednesday O-o-o-oooo-One-Liners

Skinny Spanish girl: That nigga was saying how he had me moaning and screaming, but I was like, "nigga, I'm just loud–that doesn't mean you're good!"

–Ft. Hamilton Parkway, Brooklyn

Overheard by: also loud

Ghetto chick to friend: Yo…in my country, it's illegal to not please your woman. You gotta fuck her till she begs you to stop.

–116th & 1st

Overheard by: DonnaRae

Man on phone: Yeah…I just fingerblasted her for like an hour. No big deal.

–E 4th St & 2nd Ave

Overheard by: intern2

Mom to teenage son: And I was like "sure, have sex in my bed, it never sees any."

–Mercer & W 3rd

Girl on cell: Oh no, he's back fucking his secretary now, so I'm like, completely free!

–East Village

20-something on cell, after loud graphic sex tale: And don't you be telling anyone! I don't like strangers knowing my business.

–Express Bus to Brooklyn

Your Wednesday Has Turned on the “One-Liners” Sign

Male flight attendant: Ladies and gentlemen, JetBlue welcomes you to the city which all other cities are reflections of… welcome to New York.

–JFK

Overheard by: SJK

Pilot over loudspeaker: Alright folks, get into your seats quickly. You don't have to love the person next to you and this ain't a furniture store.

–JFK

Overheard by: Allie

Witty flight attendant: And in case that you have not been in a car since 1962, I will now demonstrate how seatbelts work.

–JFK

Flaming flight attendant: In the event of a sudden change in cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop down in front of you. If this should occur, you may scream, then place the mask over your mouth and nose…

–JFK

JetBlue pilot: I hope you all enjoyed the flight. If you have any questions, please e-mail them to the Continental Airlines e-mail. Thank you for flying JetBlue.

–JFK

Overheard by: lonely passenger

Wednesday One-Liners Don’t Fear the Reaper

Guy on cell: But he didn’t get shot…Oh, the old man’s dead? Niiiice!

–Starbucks, 57th St

Little Boy: Mommy, mommy! Guess what I dreamt about last night? I dreamt I was dead!

–Star Diner, 77th & 1st

Overheard by: Fruit Salad

Commuter: Well, I’d rather do it for a dead person than a handicapped one.

–LIRR train

Overheard by: LIRRider

Guy #1, to guy #2: I don’t want you to freak out about this, man, but when I die I want you by my side.

–Union Square

Wednesday One-Liners Quit Their Day Jobs for Stand-up

Hobo to chick: You’re looking nice this evening! [She ignores him.] Normally you look like shit.

–Lafayette & White

Hobo eating entire roast chicken: You got a quarter for some food? Haven’t eaten in days.

–73rd & Broadway

Overheard by: mosugs

Hobo: Hey, look! It’s everyone’s favorite bum! [He’s ignored.] Oh, geez, that went over well.

–Outside Gray’s Papaya

Overheard by: Zach

Hobo to high school students: Hey, kids — stay smart, stay in school… Yeah! Be cool, stay in school! Someone’s got to arrest me one day!

–60th & 10th

Hobo: The fed done lowered interest rates again! You gentlemen get to keep mo’ money in yo’ pocket. Please donate a dollar to help me keep these financial updates as a free service.

–Beaver St

Overheard by: Big Larry

Hobo: I take American Express!

–West Village

Overheard by: Only had a Visa

Hobo: Ladies and gentlemen, please help keep our trains moving. Get out and push!

–A train

Wednesday One-liners Wander New York

Bag lady on pay phone: Well, I’ll admit that she’s cold, but I don’t know about manipulative.

–Times Square

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