Little boy: I have the humor of a thousand men.
–LIRR to Huntington
Little boy: I have the humor of a thousand men.
–LIRR to Huntington
Boy #1: And I will milkshake all over your back.
Boy #2: And I will rub my lovely lady lumps all over your face.
–6 train
Overheard by: Alisha J.
Hot blonde: Do they kick in kick boxing?
–Upper West Side
Overheard by: haha
Tourist pointing to a church: Is that the Chrysler Building?
–E 10th & Broadway
Little boy, when train jerks to a stop: Did we just hit a deer?
–Manhattan-bound N train
Overheard by: paratactical
Teen tourist: Look, I know you guys have, like, musical theatres on Broadway and stuff, but do you guys have movie theaters?
–Canal & Broadway
Tourist pointing at S train car: This is the bus that will take us to Times Square, right?
–Platform for shuttle from Grand Central to Times Square
Overheard by: the answer is yes, but you’re not right
Young girl on phone: Hells yeah, I walked out of that class! I don’t even get why we still learn about immigration. I mean, who the fuck takes boats here anymore?
–23rd & Lex
Father to son: You see, women do the shopping, so you gotta go to a good store to find a good woman.
–Penn Station
Overheard by: Trainspotter
Young boy to guy accompanying him: There are things that Americans can do better. We can burp a lot louder than Chileans. And we can spend a lot more money while shopping.
—Tom Crean: Antarctic Explorer performance, Irish Repertory Theatre
Overheard by: Michael Baker
Dude to friend: … So every time he signs for a purchase on a credit card, he signs it ‘Not valid’ and Best Buy was the only store that ever caught it!
–Burns St, Forest Hills
Woman seeing old friend, and pointing to man beside her: Yeah, this is my new husband. He buys me Neiman Marcus. My old husband bought me Stein Mart.
–C train
Overheard by: Sarah F.
Valley girl tourist to street sweeper: Excuse me, where’s the mall?
–34th & 7th
Overheard by: Really!
Girl on cell: … That basically means your mother’s a whore.
–WaMu Bank, Staten Island
Overheard by: staten’s most hated
Guy: My mom was yelling at me, and at that moment I became aware of my consciousness. I mean, I really became aware of my being! I was at the top of the stairs, just thinking about the universe. That’s when I knew I really existed.
–Westway Diner
Thug: I’m gonna smack my mother’s monkey!
–Union Square
Overheard by: confabulation Nation
Employee on intercom: Yo’ mama, call extension 319*. Yo’ mama, 319.
–TJ Maxx, 6th Ave
Punk rocker to punk girlfriend: My mother knows what you are.
–11th & 1st
Young boy skipping by elevators, singing: Step on a crack and you break your mother’s back… [Begins stomping] Take that, mother! And that, mother! And that, mother…!
–Museum of Natural History
Overheard by: SBS
Boy: I still have no idea what you’re trying to get me to do.
Girl: Well, what do I do to you a lot?
Boy: Suck my dick?
Girl: Yeah.
Boy: Oh… You want me to suck your dick?
–Hot and Crusty, 87th & Broadway
Overheard by: Amanda Fox
Thug to friends: Yo, it’s not like I’m gay! Just… the kid had some nice hair!
–Ave M, Q train stop
Overheard by: LoRna
Teen boy: Yo, near the pubic hair, son… That shit is phat!
–Southern Blvd, Bronx
Overheard by: E.J.
Seven-year-old blonde to friend: … And if you get it in your hair, you lose all your points!
–Washington Square West
Overheard by: SELENA
Asian 30-something on cell: Well, he doesn’t have any hair, so he better be good-looking.
–13th & 6th
Chick on cell: Masochistic hair to go with a masochistic gal. Aw!
–Columbia University
Overheard by: McFreaky
Subway performer, finishing barbershop-quartet style song: We’d like to wish you all a beautiful afternoon. If any of you happen to run into Condoleezza Rice, please tell her we’ve got a sista in Harlem waitin’ to do her hair.
–R train
Overheard by: Marisa
Boy: Why am I friends with you? Seriously, why would God punish me like this?
Girl: ‘Cause he’s really Satan?
Boy: Don’t you fucking get all philosophical on my ass now!
–Grand Central
Overheard by: Lennon
Girl: Oh, has your ear been penetrated?
Boy: It’s called ‘pierced,’ Maddie, not ‘penetrated.’ Pierced.
–Central Park
Teen boy: Yeah, I read the audio book.
–Barnes & Noble
Overheard by: Sarah
Chick: My life has really changed since moving to New York. Like, in L.A. I use to read Us Weekly, and now I read The New Yorker.
–Lower East Side
Overheard by: Aileen
UWS mom to hippie college son: Darling, I’ve decided we must get this book because it feels really quite wonderful. [Customers gawk.] I know it sounds weird, but the way a book feels means a lot, and this one feels good. Oh, and I like the cover.
–The Strand
Overheard by: losaida lois
Literary agent: God, I’m so sick of domestic violence memoirs. I just want to go beat the crap out of them.
–W 35th St
Lit professor: Reading Ulysses for the first time, like other life experiences we have for the first time, is not quite as pleasurable as we might have hoped it would be. However, unlike other life experiences we have for the first time, reading Ulysses lasts much, much longer.
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: amelia
