Wednesday One-Liners for the Polyglots

Frustrated bouncer: You don’t speak Spanish, you don’t speak Chinese, what the fuck do you speak?

–Broome Street, Chinatown

Woman, talking to friends: And I love how his "Dominican" wife has an Irish accent.

–109th & Broadway

Overheard by: Cassandra

Crazy guy running: The British are coming! The British are coming!

–8th St & 6th Ave

Woman talking to friend: So this Chinese guy told me he was speaking Vietnamese. I never knew that Vietnam was in china! I felt so ignorant after that.

–St. Mark’s & 1st Ave

30-something woman to her female friend: I didn’t know he was gay. I just thought he was French.

–E 34th St

Foreign woman, after the entire audience has been screaming "Cunt! Cunt!" at the end of "Reclaiming Cunt" during "The Vagina Monologues": I think my English is improving!

–New School

Posted on April 9, 2008
All Wednesday One-Liners, Bouncers, Chinatown, Compare/Contrast, Crazies, Default, Fears, Foreigners, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Global Geography, Guys, Happiness, Insults, Language Barrier, Languages, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, New School, Questions, Street, Stupidity, Threats, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Women, Words

And Magically Concealed the Bruises?

Guy #1: Well, from what he told me, Fox has expressed “concrete interest”.
Guy #2: I don’t know… A reality show about magicians?
Guy #1: I know, it could be really bad.
Guy #2: It could be really good though. Like, if they were alcoholics who beat their children…

–Elevator, 57th & Broadway

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on April 8, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Elevators, Guys, Magic, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, TV

But Technically, Everything’s Free for Me.

Mom: So, when you send me a text message, is that free?
Twentysomething daughter: No.
Mom: Then stop texting me all the time!
Daughter: Oh, well it’s free for me. It’s just not free for you.

–D Train

Overheard by: NCS

Posted on April 8, 2008
Cell Phone, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Moms, Money & Class, Offers and requests, On the Subway, Questions

Everybody’s Saved. Now Could Somebody Buy Me Breakfast?

Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: You are all sinners. Jesus Christ is coming and you are all going to be condemned to hell.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: Jesus is coming and you all will be dining with Satan.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m already here. I’m Jesus.
Uptight middle-aged evangelist woman: No you aren’t.
Toothless eighty-year-old hobo: I’m telling you, I’m Jesus. How do you know I’m not Jesus?
NYU hipster: My lord! You have returned!

–6 Train

Posted on April 8, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, God Squad, Hipsters, Hobos, Homeless, Jesus, Old People, On the Subway, Questions, Students, Threats, Women

When I Press a Button on the TV, It Talks to Me.

Hipster girl: So I keep thinking inanimate objects are things.
Friend: They are things.
Hipster girl: I mean like thinking things.

–NYU

Posted on April 6, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Hipsters, NYU, Philosophy, Weirdness

Not Even If I Gave It a Little Doorag?

Little boy: Daddy, daddy! I wanna make a bear!
Buff dad: Nigga, I done told you a thousand times, thugs don’t make bears! [Tiny black boy bursts into tears.]

–Outside of Build a Bear Workshop, at 6th St & 5th Ave

Overheard by: Becca

Posted on April 6, 2008
Black People, Boys, Compare/Contrast, Dads, Default, Kids, Offers and requests, Parents, Pop Culture, Store, Street, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

Also, Stop Calling Yourself ‘Some 14 Year-Old’

Teen girl: So I found a picture of him on facebook, half-naked, being straddled by some fourteen-year-old with a bottle of Jack Daniels in her hand. I swear, my brother has all of my precocity, but none of my charm.
Older guy: Oh yeah, and none of your humility either.

–96th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: kids these days…

Posted on April 6, 2008
Age/Aging, Always Bringing it Back to You!, Comebacks, Compare/Contrast, Compliments, Default, Drinking & Drunk People, Facebook, Girls, Guys, Nudity, Pictures, Sex & Relationships, Teens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Because Then I Could Pull a Woody Allen

Little girl to her father: Stop telling me that! I’m not adopted!
Father: But sometimes I wish you were.

–Multiplex Cinemas, Flushing

Overheard by: Ms. Hazard

Posted on April 6, 2008
Compare/Contrast, Dads, Default, Girls, Kids, Movie Theaters, Offers and requests, Parents, Queens, Should've Used a Condom, Weirdness, Wishes & desires

Did You Even Read the Sign I Was Waving by the Side of the Road?

30-ish suit: I don’t think you really like me, just the *idea* of me. You know, I come off great at parties, and I make a lot of money, but really…
20-something hippie girl: Wait, wait…I just wanted easy sex.

–Union Square

Posted on April 6, 2008
Celebrations/Parties, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Hippies, Jobs & Careers, Money & Class, Sex, Street, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Wishes & desires

You’re Just Jealous Because Heath Ledger’s Housekeeper Called Me and Not You

Skinny girl #1: … And these guys always want to do blow with me, like all the time, it’s so weird!
Skinny girl #2: Awww, no one ever wants to do blow with me.
Skinny girl #1, whispering loudly: That’s because your ass is the size of Russia.

–Tiffany & Co.

Overheard by: EDW

Posted on April 5, 2008
Ass, Cocaine, Compare/Contrast, Default, Girls, Global Geography, Gripes, Insults, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen, Skinny People, Store

Compare/Contrast