Condoms

Concerned male friend: Well, aren't you afraid of gettin' like, an STD or something? Don't you use condoms?
Confused teen girl: Well, we did the first few times, but then we didn't. I mean, he's been coming inside me for like a year now and nothin' ever happened. (points to belly, implying she's pregnant)
Concerned male friend: And how old is he again? How old are you?
Confused teen girl: He's 18. I'm 16–almost 17.
Concerned male friend: Damn, I don't know. This is fucked up. What you gonna do when you wanna go out? Like with your friends and shit.
Confused teen girl: I'll take my baby with me!

–E Train

Headline by: Erica Neumann

Runners-Up:
· “$5 Says You Guys Don’t Get a Single Non-Palin Headline on This One” – twoferrets
· “Ju No What I’m Talking About?” – Barry P.
· “My Breast-milk Is Gonna Be, Like, Fifty Percent Jägermeister…” – Who Doesn’t Love A Drunken Infant?
· “That Thing Is Gonna Need One Hell Of a Fake I.D.” – MJP
· “There’s a Bristol Palin Joke Here Somewhere…” – S-Train
· “You Know, Like One Of Those Elmo Backpacks?” – All by myself.

Click here to see the new Headline Contest

Russki #1: You can have my girlfriend.
Russki #2: I don’t want your girlfriend, she has AIDS.
Russki #1: Use a condom.

–Staten Island

Overheard by: R

20-something-guy: Obama condoms, for long and hard times!
Tourist mom: What's an Obama condom?
Tourist dad: I have no idea.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Shannon

Blonde white girl to another: And I was all like, "I'm not throwing the baby over the fence!"

–Spring St

Overheard by: Maria Emma

Girl to mother: Oh, look at daddy with the baby in one hand and the bottle of bourbon in the other. And in the morning, too!

–Williamsburg

Condom vendor: Obama and McCain election special condoms! 3 for $10 and 1 for $5, all cheaper than a baby!

–Times Square

Overheard by: Aalok

Mom with stroller to friend: She's incapacitated already, so she might as well have his baby.

–6th Ave & 4th St

Guy on cell: OK, well, be safe. If you get raped make sure he wears a condom.

–Williamsburg

Overheard by: Daniel

Girl: Don’t let me talk to boys after I take blue pills.

–31st & 2nd

Girl #1: Sometimes he like to rape my ass.
Girl #2: Ew! Hee hee.

–outside The Brooklyn Museum

Overheard by: Josh Neufeld

Girl #1: Well, she was raped.
Girl #2: I wasn’t really raped.

–Vertigo, 26th & 3rd

Yuppie chick #1: Sweetie, you’re going to get raped dressed like that.
Yuppie chick #2: No. I have an umbrella.

–Delancey & Allen

Overheard by: Mitchell Linetti

Guy selling Obama condoms: Yes, you can… get laid! Don't do the big apple without protection. Obama condoms, get them here!
Frumpy Southern tourist lady: Oh my god! They are actually condoms. That is my President's face. It does not belong on a condom.

–Times Square

Overheard by: Sam

Girl: I’m done with threesomes. Someone always gets hurt. It’s four-gies only from now on.

–Duane Reade, 32nd & Broadway

Overheard by: Jaina Wald

Man on cell: You got the what? The what? So you got the queen-sized bed!! You whore! You whore!

–Wall & Water

Overheard by: Aubrie

Man: Hey, anyone want to go to an orgy?

–Central Park

Loud teen boy: Dad, do we need condoms?

–Pharmacy, 82nd & Columbus

Girl on cell: Well it’s not even like anyone there had any real porn background!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Natalie

Guy on stoop: Dude! I did not give that girl VD.

–22nd & Broadway

Loud female suit: Well, at least he wasn’t sleeping with an intern!

–45th & Lex

Preppy girl on cell: Hey, girly, I got myself two tickets for us to go to the Dominican Republic for next week, and you know what that means: 7 days of Dominican cock. Yum!

–34th St

Overheard by: naidababy

Dude: This sounds weird, but I’ve got enough condoms to fill up a piñata.

–Bike shop

Overheard by: Ken

Chick on cell: She had a condom stuck in her for four days!

–92nd & Columbus

Overheard by: Erin

20-ish male: Okay, who put a condom in my iced latte?

–Ozzie’s Coffee House, Park Slope

Old guy on cell: No, honey, it’s unsanitary to buy condoms on eBay.

–34th & 7th

Overheard by: Sam

Fat lady tourist to friend: Hey, I should’ve brang those condoms with us to get rid of them.

–4 train

Dentist: You don’t have any allergies, do you?
Patient: Penicillin.
Dentist: But no latex allergies or anything like that?
Patient: No! Oh my God, no! Wow. That would be totally horrible and depressing.
Dentist: Why, are you a med student or something?
Patient: …No.

–Columbia University Dental Practice, Amsterdam Ave

Guy to friend: When Obama wins, I'm going to slap a white person.

–Central Park Bench

Overheard by: Lane

Lady getting sprayed with perfume by her friend: Stop. Stop it! You gonna make me smell like white people.

–East Drive, Prospect Park

Overheard by: White smelly jogger

Black gay man sans shirt, upon seeing group of white girls wandering: Oh my god, white girls! Oh, I didn't mean it like that.

–Christopher St

Gentleman walking past Miss Mamie's Spoonbread Too restaurant: Man, black people eating tofu, white people eating spoonbread…

–W 110th & Columbus

Gingy, referring to ebony colored condoms: This way, when I fuck a white boy he'll still be black!

–E Broadway 99 Cent Store

Black lady in african garb: Too many white flower! Need more black power! (the only white girl around looks up confusedly, now black lady screams in her face) White flower!

–125th & Adam Clayton Powell

Overheard by: Ruby