Friends

The Au Jus Of Wednesday One-Liners

11 year-old boy throwing water balloon back and forth: It's like a hymen, perfectly intact after a minor rape! (balloon is thrown to him and bursts all over him) Oh, sweet hymen juices!

–Tompkins Square Park

Eight-year-old boy to another: God, just drink your spit!

–90th St & 2nd Ave

Drunk hobo with hand-down pants: I'm not going to ejaculate! (repeats it over and over)

–D Train

Overheard by: seat changer

Blind woman to blind friend: Sweaty people suck.

–W 23rd Street

Overheard by: Cool and Dry

Little girl: I don't like boys! They're mean and they sweat a lot!

–2nd & Ave A

Young girl to boy: Ewwww, I'm dripping cum!

–Hester & Allen

Overheard by: lower east side

“…but mostly, I’m grateful for emphysema.”

Guy #1: Hard to believe it’s Thanksgiving already.
Guy #2: Next week.
Guy #1: How much do cigarettes cost in Florida?

–Ranch 1, Times Square

Wasn't This a Teen Movie?

Teen girl to friends: I've heard that they unleash packs of Rottweilers here at night.
Friends: What?
Girl: Yeah, to keep people from just hiding in here and sleeping, or whatever. Because it's so big and they can't cover the whole thing… Packs of Rottweilers covering the woods… (friends gasp)

–New York Botanical Gardens

And I Wanted Him to Shave Me

Guy: You bought your boyfriend swords?
Girl: We had just started going out.

–NY Comic Con, Javits Center

Overheard by: Kevin Frost

They Can Describe the Hell Out of Things, Though

Svengali-type: Yeah, they’re really into Phenomenology over there, so they can’t really explain anything.
Lolita-type: Wow. Yeah, I’d heard that about them.

–Bedford Ave, Williamsburg

Come on In– The Wednesday One-Liner Is Fine!

20-something chick: Sea captains doing table-service is never okay.

–A Train

Overheard by: Ladle

Lady on Bluetooth: Well, if you prove to everyone that your vagina is as wide as an ocean, then go ahead!

–Brooklyn

Teenage girl to friend: So, I heard back from the lifeguard application. (pauses, then utterly bewildered) I need to know how to swim!

–Uptown 1 Train

Overheard by: totheworld

Loud woman on escalator: No, you don't get it. When you're under water, you're not wet.

–Queens Center Mall

Overheard by: Burning Vegan

Middle-aged man watching seven-year old swimming deftly in shallow end: Oh, yeah? Well, I can drive. Can you? My feet can touch the bottom. Can yours?

–CUNY Swim Class

Overheard by: obyun

You've Been Waiting for an Excuse to Use That One, Haven't You?

NYU girl: I'm not surprised that she has mono. I mean, she's been a slut for a while now. It was bound to catch up with her.
Friend: Yeah, she's a reverse jukebox.
NYU girl: A what?
Friend: You know how you put money into a jukebox and it makes noise? Guys put their dicks in her to make her shut the fuck up.

–NYU Silver Center

…Away from Witnesses

Mom on stoop: Don't you skate too far from the house!
Four-year-old boy on skateboard: Moooooooom! Go insiiiiide the hoooooouse! I don't need you!
Mom neighbor: Did he just tell me to go inside the house? Boy, you just wait till *you* come inside the house!

–Monroe & Franklin, Bed-Stuy

Overheard by: Tigertail

I Don’t Recommend Asking for That, Though

Woman #1: I’m so going to get pregnant this year so I can have a tummy tuck done cheaper.
Woman #2: Fuck that. Go to Vietnam. They do liposuction for, like, five bucks. They call it ‘five dollar sucky sucky.’

–6th Ave, West Side

Overheard by: Raychel

Washed Leather, Gin and Tonics, and Money

Waspy woman #1, walking into J.Crew: It smells like J.Crew!
Waspy woman #2: It smells so good!

–J.Crew, Soho

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