Guy #1: Oh, yeah, I’ve been making money writing porn stories for years.
Guy #2: Really?
Guy #1: Yeah, I write with a female pen name.
Guy #2: That’s kind of weird.
Guy #1: Yeah, my pen name is —
Guy #2: OH! Don’t tell me, man!
Guy #1: Whuh?
Guy #2: I may have jerked off to it.
–Starbucks, 74th & 3rd
Overheard by: Naked Lunch
Girl #1: What happened to you?
Girl #2: Some fucking tourist walked into me and spilled her Hot Pocket on me…where the fuck did a tourist get a Hot Pocket?
–6 train
Woman #1: Guess who I sat next to at dinner last night?
Woman #2: I have no clue. Jimmy Fallon?
Woman #1: No. Denzel Washington!
Woman #2: Omigod!
Woman #1: I know, I love him!
Woman #2: I loved him as God in Bruce Almighty. That was him, wasn’t it?
Woman #1: No, that was Morgan Freeman, you dumb fuck.
–45th Street 7th & 8th
Chick #1: Yeah…I put all kinds of really weird stuff in it.
Chick #2: What, like carrots?
–27th & 3rd
Cute guy to German flight attendant on layover: So, do you have cars in Germany?
–Barracuda
Overheard by: barkeeper
Girl: So, my mom is Jewish and my dad is Christian. Does that make me, like, bi-racial?
–Eugene Lang College
Overheard by: Still ashamed I go to school here
Hispanic high school girl: Is the Fourth of July always on a Friday?
–N Train
Overheard by: D-Law
Guy to friend: Well, that's nice, they have these machines set up for the visually impaired, but what about the deaf people?
–ATM, 38th St & Madison Ave
Overheard by: jennyooooo
Student: Is Swedish even a language?
–Columbia University
Trucker: What are you, stupid, or both?
–M86 Crosstown Bus
Black woman: Sixteen dollars? That paper better be made out of Jesus's ass.
–Barnes & Noble, Lincoln Center
Overheard by: Emily B.
40-something to friends: And what's going on with the fucking baby Jesus over there?
–Starbucks
Guy on cell: In my class, we were talking about how Jesus was a Viking warrior.
–Queens College
Woman, about Matt Lauer and Katie Couric: See, this is why Jesus Christ and the Pharisees didn't get along.
–22nd St & Park Ave
Overheard by: Rachel Peters
Woman on phone on the night before Easter: No, I do not want you at my house right now. (pause) I'm going home to watch The Ten Commandments and read my bible–Jesus is coming back tomorrow!
–B44 Bus
Overheard by: Micah
Drunk high school girl: If Jesus had discovered a cure for dry mouth, he'd be a lot more popular!
–Union Square
Overheard by: Smudge
Man with beard to friend: You should stick with her. I mean, she's giving you her kidney!
–77th & Columbus
Teen hipster, commenting on girl's nose: It's not too nosy, but you know it's a nose.
–Starbucks, 71st & Broadway
Overheard by: Maddie
Girl: She just really needs that second body, you know?
–W 16th St & 6th Ave
Overheard by: Emily B.
Guy yelling to friend: So I said "My rectum? My rectum!?"
–Broadway & John St
Guy on phone: No, bitch, you rub my belly!
–Houston St
Conductor over intercom, after train stops: Folks, I apologize for the delay, the conductor had to make a pit stop…when you get old, your kidneys start to fail.
–Metro North Train
Overheard by: Kristin
Guy in monk costume: I mean, it would be so easy to hide in this outfit.
Friend: Yeah, really.
Guy in monk costume: I'll just shoot it under the robe. I mean, after all, it is Halloween!
–26th & 5th
Girl on cell with dog in her bag: So I was just like "You're a friggin douche!" (pauses and looks in bag) Fuck! My asshole dog just shit in my bag! (takes dog out) Oh my god! It shit in my lap! It's everywhere! Help me, Dana!
–D Train
Overheard by: Hahahahaaaaa
Passerby to young woman tying up about 10 dogs, singing: Who let the dogs out? Who?
–E 90th St
Six-year-old girl to mother: And then I said, "Oh, Shihtzu!"
–Houston & Orchard
Overheard by: j
Man on cell: I mean, I don't want to compare her to a dog. But, I just don't want to pet that, if you know what I mean.
–E 4th St & Lafayette
Overheard by: amanda
Large scruffy man in deli apron, watching hot Latina: Woof! (pause) Sorry baby, it's just the dog in me. Woof!
–2nd Ave & 94th St
Fat man to female friend: I don't know that dogs are delicious. Rather, I know that pork is.
–Broadway & Chambers St
Overheard by: Carolyn S
Girl, pointing at Dachshunds: Look, Chihuahuas!
–Winter Gardens
Dude #1: …so she like told me all penises were ugly. That they were just ugly organs, so I was like, “Yeah? Well, then from now on you can’t get any of mine!”
Dude #2: Ha, ha.
Dude #1: So she all took her clothes off and then we did it.
Dude #2: Ha, ha.
Dude #1: The best way to get a chick is to act like you don’t care and you get laid immediately.
–19th & Broadway
