Wednesday One-Liners Dread Ending Up on The Surreal Life

NYU guy to pal: If you could pick any five girls, and one of them had to be Tom Cruise…

–St. Mark’s & 3rd

Overheard by: Lexey

Man: If Leonard Cohen were a hamster, I’d kill him.

–Freddy’s Bar, Brooklyn

Hobo: Donald Trump is my cousin, but he doesn’t know it because I came out black.

–Museum Mile

Teen girl on cell: Hey, I just read that Brad and Angelina decided to adopt their next kid from Vietnam. You totally have a shot… No, seriously, you should apply. I mean, I guess you’d have to try out and stuff, but it’d so be worth it.

–Staten Island Ferry Terminal, Whitehall St

Skinny black goth girl: Am I gay, or am I Paris Hilton?!

–Cardozo High School

MTA elevator operator to another: You don’t have to be forgiven. Clint Eastwood taught us that.

–1 train station elevator, 168th St

Overheard by: martin gehrke

Guy on cell in line: Yeah, she’s messing around with Michael Jordan and shit! You do not want your lady messing around with Michael Jordan!

–Rite Aid, Brooklyn Heights

Overheard by: dutchman

Posted on April 22, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Black People, Brooklyn, Family Ties, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, On Cell, Race, Staten Island Ferry, Students, Train Station, Wednesday One-Liners

Mind the Gap (Stand Clear of the Closing Doors)

Chick #1: I went back on birth control this month. I’m using the Ring, except I don’t know if I’m using it right. I don’t want to take it out every time we have sex.
Chick #2: Wait, you shouldn’t have to take it out during sex.
Chick #1: That’s what I thought. Except, maybe I’m using it wrong, but I had sex and then afterward we couldn’t find it.
Chick #2: It can’t get lost up there!
Chick #1: It went so far up my cooter. And I swear I must have put my whole fist in there to fish it out.
Chick #2: There’s nowhere for it to go! It can’t get past your cervix.
Chick #1: How far up is my cervix?
Chick #2: Well, depends how long your vagina is. I think everyone’s is different. Maybe you have, like, a subway tunnel in there.

–Bleecker Playground

Overheard by: LMF

Posted on April 20, 2015
Advice, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Friends, Girls, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Sex, Stupidity, Talking/Convos, Union Square and East Village

Bisexuals Only Get a Block?

Drunk girl, holding hands with a boy and a girl: Oh, this is the bisexual block!
Less drunk friend: Uh… Let's take a picture of this diner so I don't forget it.

–14th St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: Teri

Posted on April 19, 2015
Default, Drunks, Friends, Friendship, Gays and Lesbians, Girls, Pictures, The Village

Teenage Girls: Unfiltered.

Guy: Don't smoke a cigarette. Seriously, put that out. You shouldn't be smoking! It says so right on the pack!
Drunk friend: Shut up! I want a cheaper abortion!

–Bleecker & McDougal

Posted on April 18, 2015
Abortion, Advice, Compare/Contrast, Drunks, Friends, Guys, Money & Class, Smokers & Smoking, Smoking, The Village, Wishes & desires

Wednesday One-Liners Are So Not the Freshmaker

Bimbette: I don't think I've ever been that grossed out during the day. It all started when that woman smelled like pee…

–6 Train

Overheard by: j

Female suit: We were above an Indian restaurant and he was banging me from behind. I could smell the curry, and while he was banging me I was gagging.

–NJ Transit

Chick: You smell like vag and pizza.

–Borders

Girl to friend, after bending head down into her: Damn my puss stank.

–E Train

Overheard by: Nicole

College guy (screaming at friend): Dude! How are you even in college?! You smell like Oust! You smell like Tropical Glade!

–1 Train

Concerned hipster: I know you just orgasmed, but what's that smell?

–E 9th & 3rd

Overheard by: Peanut

Posted on April 17, 2015
All Wednesday One-Liners, Backdoor, Bimbettes, Compare/Contrast, Ethnic Food, Ew, Jersey, Frat Boys, Friends, Girls, Hipsters, On the Subway, Orgasm, Pee, Pizza, Scents of the City, Sensory Experiences, Store, Suits, Union Square and East Village, Vagina, Weirdness, Women

Its Gravitational Pull Drives the Ladies Crazy

Pretty boy: You know, penis density is really an under-appreciated quality.
Fat friend: Yeah, I may have a one-and-a-half-inch dick, but it weighs 50 pounds!
Girlfriend to other chick: At least they aren’t talking about circle jerks anymore.

–35th & 9th

Overheard by: Brad

Posted on April 17, 2015
Chelsea & the Meatpacking District, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Masturbation, Penis, Talking/Convos

…And We've Been Together Ever Since.

20-something burnout: Would you like to know what this girl said last night, when she was tripping balls and the cops came to my house?
Friend: She thought she was in a nursing home!
20-something burnout: She was screaming all this crazy stuff. (pause) Wait, are you offended by dirty words?
Friend: Go for it.
20-something burnout: “You dick!”
Friend: Excuse me?
20-something burnout: “You fucking nigger faggot! Bitch-ass spic! I'm a fucking lesbian! You're a fucking lesbian!”

–Mineola Ave, Queens

Posted on April 16, 2015
Cops, Crazies, Crazy, Friends, Gays and Lesbians, Insults, Nicknames & name calling, Queens

Can I Put My Laptop on Your Back?

Awkward NYU guy: So, last night I watched two movies.
Awkward NYU chick: Cool. By the way, what are you doing these next few nights? I need a night where I’m guaranteed to get laid.
Awkward NYU guy: Oh, well, tonight I have to do my writing the essay homework.
Awkward NYU chick: Sorry to be so blunt, but I just love how you’re always available.
Awkward NYU guy: Yeah, I’m like an RA — I’m always on call.

–Faye’s Starbucks, Washington Square Park

Overheard by: Emily