Wednesday One-Liners Eat Boogers

Man on cell: It's a swollen, pus-filled sebaceous cyst…

–Nathan's, West 32nd St

Overheard by: SuzeV

Chick leaving Duane Reade (exposing armpit): Air it out baby, air it out!

–Duane Reade, 14th & 1st

Overheard by: Lillian

Guy to friends: I'm just gonna rub my shit all over her face. All over!

–96th and Broadway

Fat girl on cell: Oh my god, seriously. My mom is *so* nasty whenever we go out to eat somewhere. I'm not kidding. Like, she is *never* happy where we get seated, and she's like, "This silverware is smudgy! This glass has grit in it! The lighting is awful! The tectonic plates of this location are shifting, I demand a patio table!" I try to be as nice as I can to the wait staff to make up for her. Seriously. I've seen waiting. Please don't shave your asscrack hair into my food because my mom was a douchenozzle.

–jet blue terminal, jfk

Overheard by: now questioning my pizza ingredients

Girl on cell: Yeah, you pretty much have the same body functions when you're dead as when you're alive. It's gross, but I love it.

–Mercer b/w 3rd & 4th

Overheard by: Threw up in my mouth a little bit

Posted on March 24, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Body Parts, Death, Duane Reade, Fat People, Friends, Girls, Gripes, Guys, Health and Hygiene, Insults, JFK Airport, Men, Murray Hill and Gramercy, On Cell, Parents, Poop, Restaurants & Cafes, Stupidity, Sweat, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Weirdness

Wednesday: Soft As a Baby's One-Liner

Drunk middle aged man, grabbing wife's shoulder: Watch this! Nine months from tonight! Count it, people! She's going to have a motherfucking baby! Nine months! Niiiiiine months!

–E 9th St & University Place

Overheard by: NYUTSOA2012

Tween to grandmother: There's this girl in my class at school who had a baby around Halloween, and she named it Starlight. It's a baby girl.

–F Train

Overheard by: office peon

Hysterical teen: If I had nine months left to live I would have his baby!

–Gee Whiz, Tribeca

Train conductor: Stand clear of the closing doors! Especially if you got a baby and a baby carriage!

–Uptown 2 Train

Attractive brunette: There were dead babies in the tree. Like Christmas ornaments.

–96th & Broadway

Posted on March 17, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Babies, Compare/Contrast, Conductors, Couples, Death, Drunks, Elementary & Middle School, Families, Girls, Men, Names, Old People, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Pregnancy & Birth Control, Public Transportation, Restaurants & Cafes, Teens, The Village, Time, Trees and plants, Tweens, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Women

That, and the Bagels

Girl #1: Why does it seem like everyone in California gets married so young?
Girl #2: Because they're all hippie and happy and love each other and stuff… That's why we moved to New York.

–Lafayette & Houston

Posted on March 16, 2016
Age/Aging, Girls, Happiness, Marriage, Only in New York, Questions, Wall Street, TriBeCa, South Street Seaport

NY v. NJ Explained in One Scene

NJ driver: Hey! Red means Don’t Walk!
Girl: It’s blinking!
NJ driver: That’s the same thing!
Girl: No it’s not, dumbass!

–74th & Broadway

Posted on March 15, 2016
Ahhh! Real New Yorkers, Assholes, Cars and Driving, Girls, Insults, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center

Wednesday One-Liners Admit Their Lives Have Become Unmanageable

Suit on cell: Never make any decisions after drinking two pitchers of beer. After the first one, I was like "okay, this is what I'm doing." But after the second one, I ended up as director of the D.C. United Way. At first, I wasn't too worried, because I figured they'd give me a drug test, and I knew I wouldn't pass.

–6 Train

Hopeful-looking guy to concerned-looking guy: Basically, you're not ready to be an alcoholic, so you should stay away from alcohol.

–Polk St

Girl to guy friend: She's a great drunk. She's probably one of the best people to hang out with when she's drunk.

–Pratt Institute

Overheard by: T

Hawker: It's happy hour! Come on up, and I'll watch your kids while you get drunk.

–Planet Hollywood

Girl, during lunch: I'm not drunk anymore!

–W 4th & University Place

Posted on March 13, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Baristas, Bars & Clubs, College, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Friends, Girls, Guys, Jobs & Careers, Kids, On Cell, On the Subway, One-liners, Parents, Street, Suits, The Village, Weirdness

Doesn't Starbucks Charge $4 for That?

Girl, touching water bottle on hot dog stand: Wow, this water is really hot!
Guy: Yeah. When you drink it, it's basically tea without the flavor!

–51st St & 6th Ave

Overheard by: ThirstyEar2

Posted on March 12, 2016
Compare/Contrast, Drinks, Girls, Guys, Hot dog stands, Midtown & Hell's Kitchen

Wednesday One-liners for Chosen People

Girl: And it’s so weird to ask Jews if they are German. I just feel weird doing it, because of the Nazis and all.

–Columbia University

Overheard by: Dan

Posted on March 10, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Columbia University, Girls, Global Geography, Hitler/Nazis, Idiots, Judaism, One-liners

Wednesday One-Liners (the King James Version)

Cute chick on cell: If the Amish can do it, so can you. [Pause, then louder.] If the Amish can do it, so can you!

–113th & Amsterdam

Overheard by: Wild Dog Boy

Lady on cell: You tell my momma to get her ass to church and stop sinning!

–Grand Concourse, 205th St.

Overheard by: LSB

Black guy to another: Go to the Catholic church, cracka. They got good drugs.

–11th & A

Middle Eastern man: I believe in Islam and Allah, but I drink, I smoke, and I fuck. When I stop doing those things, then I’ll pray.

–C Train

Overheard by: Mark

Thug: I totally invented the Chuck Norris religion.

–Queens Mall

Overheard by: LSB

Posted on March 9, 2016
Advice, All Wednesday One-Liners, Asians, Black People, Celebrities, Church, Compare/Contrast, Drinking & Drunk People, Drugs, Girls, Guys, Islam, Malls, Men, Offers and requests, On Cell, On the Subway, Queens, Religion, Sex, The Bronx, Thugs, Union Square and East Village, Upper East Side, Women

Wednesday One-Megapixeliners

Pushy black woman to employee standing next to portrait studio samples: The next time I come in here, I want to see my daughter's picture up here, because she is beautiful.

–K-Mart, 34th St

Overheard by: EthanK

Guy: There were some pictures taken, involving, like, my penis and Caleb's penis and five other guys.

–4th St & 2nd Ave

Girl: Food is overrated, let's just take a picture and leave.

–100th St & Broadway

Hipster punk girl on phone: Hello? (pause) No, but I know a girl if you're looking. She also puts jelly on her toes. (pause) Who? I once sold a semi-nude photo of myself at an art show once. I think Brendan has a copy of it… no one would ever pay to see my feet. But again, I ask, who were you talking to? (pause) Dave was under the impression that I sold pictures of my extremities for money? That's awesome! I'm going to send him a picture of my elbow!

–Union Square

Overheard by: Ayenbird

Guy: The more bodies, the more pictures. That's what I always say.

–14th St & 7th Ave

Posted on March 7, 2016
All Wednesday One-Liners, Beauty, Black People, Body Parts, Clerks, Compare/Contrast, Food, For Sale, Girls, Guys, Hipsters, Money & Class, On Cell, One-liners, Parents, Penis, Pictures, Punks, Store, Street, Stupidity, The Village, Union Square and East Village, Upper West Side & Lincoln Center, Wednesday One-Liners, Weirdness, Wishes & desires, Women

She Misunderstood ‘Underwire Bra’

Girl #1: My nipples are really sore and I don’t know why.
Girl #2: Did you ever think that they might hurt because of the pieces of metal you’ve stapled through them?

–110th St

Overheard by: Not stapled

Posted on March 7, 2016
Girls, Harlem & Morningside Heights, Manhattan, Nipples, People, Places, Private Parts, Relationships, Topics

Girls